We keep going shopping for prom stuff which is super fun, and now I think all I have left to do is accessorize. I am gonna get this one really cute ring and a head band or something adorably queer to wear on my head. When we were at the mall today I saw one of the cutest lesbian couples ever, which I typically wouldn’t say. I’m fine with lesbians; they just tend to scare me a bit. Speaking of being frightened, I was on a walk with my friends tonight and we were nearly attacked be a huge ass spider. I am terribly arachnophobic and was freaking out while they took pictures of it.
I have determined my Natural Disasters teacher is on crack after he ran around the room pretending to be a train one day. We also had the WORST pep rally imaginable today. t-o-r-t-u-r-e.
I want to rip my bitch-ass cunt-face moms head off. About 9 or 10 months ago when both of my parents were drinking a lot they were stealing money from me. I had $1,500 in the bank and when I went in to go cash a check or something last summer they said my balance was about -$450. Today when I went in to withdraw $50 or so dollars for prom stuff I found out I only had $32 dollars in there even now. Fucking bitch never paid me back the money that she took without permission!! And over half was money I raised and the rest was college money. I FUCKING HATE THAT BITCH!!! Tomorrow I’m gonna bring up needing to withdraw money and when she tells me there is nothing in there I'm gonna bitch her out. I'm so pissed!
I am gonna start applying for jobs again this weekend. I also have a coffee date with some old friends Sunday and I’m super excited!
I have been thinking a lot about growing up and moving on with life and I have decided I don’t want to. But I won’t make this post too long so I will save that for another day. ~Anton
Im Im not really in the mood to do a real post. I have had a lot going on and I havent been exactly the happiest person ever. But I'm dealing... Anyways, this really cheers me up. Adam Lambert is one of my biggest celebrity crushes ever and this song is one of my faves(which you probably know cuz i have posted another version before). I found this version and fell in love! Enjoy:
Yesterday my friends came over and we just hung out and watched movies and stuff. We went on an adventure through these rain drains that are about 2 or so miles long at 9 at night... that was pretty fun and creepy! haha We were talking about how we are all excited about prom and where we wanna go eat beforehand. Then someone brought up dates and who some others were taking, and John got brought up. They said that he really liked me for about a week or so after the first night in October when we made out and stuff. They had hinted at it before, but he never seemed to show signs of it, that’s why I never acted. So I have been pissed at myself for the past several hours... If I had acted I may have the thing that I really want right now! oh well... I guess =/
The idea that he liked me at one point thought made me excited for prom even more. If I play my cards right I may make him realize he likes me more than he thought and maybe something will come out of it? Also, our gay friend who lives in Texas and who I have a crush on broke up with his boy friend a couple days ago... He is coming back here in August so I may see what I can make of that situation then.
I’m just taking the bad and looking forward to possible good, even if I’m doubtful that anything will come of either situation. Love you ~Anton
Anyways, yesterday was one of the craziest in a long time. I won’t go into detail and bore you, but there was a lot of good that came out of it, and some difficulties, but over all I went to bed a happy person last night.
School was incredibly normal, and not much to say there. As far as after school, things got interesting. John came over to take pictures of Rabbit for his photography class. It was super cool cuz she put beautiful make-up on half of her face and left the other half plain. It was super pretty and creative.
The topic of Prom came up, and following the direction of the conversation I asked him...HE SAID YES!!! Not only did he say he would go with me, but when I told him my plan with my parents he got really excited and said he'd LOVE to be my come-out date!!! Today I told my mom that I had a date but I wouldn’t tell her who, which annoyed her. I just told her that she "would meet them at the before party." I’m really excited and scared.
After that we went and got some delicious doughnuts and went to Peacocks house to meet a German foreign exchange student, play life and smoke hookah. We kinda cold shouldered Peacock a bit and made our point a little more clear. Then we went to Taco Bell and all of us refused to borrow money from him, as we intended to break ties with him. Then we went to walk around on the golf course by Dolphins house and there we confronted them. We made our case, told them how we felt and how hurt and pissed we were. They knew what they did was wrong. Instead of kicking Peacock out, which I wanted, we just suspended him from hang outs and sleep over’s for about 2 weeks... he thought it was fair and we could tell he felt guilty. He also told me in confidence that he realized how much he needed us. I now know that we do in fact have power over him if he acts up again. As far as Dolphin, she started crying really hard last night during the confrontation and was saying things like "I don’t deserve your love" and whatnot. Now for anyone who thinks that they could contend with the weirdness of me and my friends, you are sorely wrong. We comforted her be all taking off some of our clothes to put over her to warm her up cuz she was so cold, at one point leaving Peacock and Panda in nothing but their underwear. We sand Tik Tok at the top of our voices over the golf course until the sprinklers came on. We went to another area, fully clothed again, and invented a new tag game called ‘Sea Bear’ (from SpongeBob) and ran around like idiots in the black of night. Then we raced to a park and almost killed ourselves running there. We wrote love songs about the Taco Bell worker named Dee Dee, out Natural Disasters teacher and a ton of other random shit. It was awful, but very fun. Things seem to be going well on that front, although it still isn’t what I wanted. I just had to compromise a bit.
Today I had a parent teacher conference and I have a 4.2 GPA, proving to myself that even though I'm not the good kid I used to be, I can balance social life and school very well. I also have been eating black berries and blasting Lady Gaga, making me all that happier. Things are certainly better. Hope I didn’t bore you ~Anton
Today has not been my day. I am really miserable right now. My head is racing with negative thoughts, my iPod insists on playing depressing music, and people are causing me so many problems right now.
I’m scared about the whole John thing and tomorrow we are starting the war with Peacock to get him out of the group. Noelle (from Dark Orchid) was being obnoxious when I saw her earlier; even though most of our conversation was good... it just brought me down a bit. IttyK is being selfish and stupid and making some decisions that are gonna hurt her and me... It actually drove me to tears earlier, which hasn’t happened in quite a while. My mom is continually bitching me out about not finding a job, but I am sustaining my social life all on my own and she is just making me feel bad about not being ambitious. I should get one, but she is just being a bitch, and my dad backs her up. They also blame me for losing my house key, even though I think it was stolen, because, as they know, I am super careful with everything. I can’t remember the last thing I lost. After that is the 2nd time I broke down in tears tonight. Life is completely overwhelming me today. I also got some really disappointing news too, but it’s not even important and I won’t get into it now... but it kinda hurt after what happened yesterday, which kinda made me excited. Maybe I'll explain some other day =/ sorry, idk why I brought that up. Its making me wanna cry for a 3rd time though.
This is completely turned around from Friday. I was excited about John and the war with Peacock. I went dress shopping with my friends for prom and had a blast helping making them all look amazing. I even got a confidence boost from myself when I accidentally checked myself out in a mirror in Dillard’s and was like "Ooh! Cute gay boy!" but it was me... I know. Lame, but it felt good anyways. We are also making friends with a cashier named Dee Dee at Taco Bell. I know... weird. But she is really cool and gives us free drinks. I’m oddly attracted to her, not in a sexual way, but just her personality. She is very intriguing. IDK. We also finished our revised version of our Life game that we were working super hard on and got to play it.
The best part of my day was an invite from my uncle and his wife to go live with them for a while this summer in Oregon and work on her Sons State Senate campaign. It sounds awesome, but I’m not sure if I will have time.
Everything was so good on Friday, but it has all kinda been fucked up today. At least I do have a few good things going on and I will deal with it all. It’s just seems like much more bad has happened to me today then good and it sucks. Anyways, have a good night. ~Anton
I know I said I wasn’t gonna really talk about friend drama anymore... but I will add this last update. Compromise and compassion were pushed out the window last Wednesday. We were at my house drinking a little and while me and 2 others were inside, Peacock was in the mud hut fingering Dolphin... in front of Rabbit! And then later denied it. And he wasn’t even drunk; he still had all his judgment. He is just fucking selfish and stupid. Then he goes on this rant about how he can kill a Bear in a one on one fight. It just showed how stupid he really is and how far up his own ass he is. This is the last offense in a long line of them. He is out. We are in the process of figuring out how to do it and what effect we wanna cause. We are also gonna smack dolphin on the wrist, but we have chosen to keep her because of the larger problems that would cause. She can leave on her own if she wants and we won’t fight it, but Peacock is out one way or another.
In other news my emotions are exploding. I am changing emotions and moods constantly, and they usually conflict each other in many ways. I have the drama with friends, excitement about the summer and a few other things, but most of it has to do with relationships/love. First off, I keep getting these 'looks' from this one guy, who I admit is cute, but is an ass... and then I feel like a keep flirting with this other kid, but I have no idea what’s really going on, and I’m not all that interested. There are a couple other little things going on too, but nothing big or realistic or even interesting... Oh, and the situation with IttyK seems to be getting worse... IDK. I'm kinda having a relapse with John. (If you don’t know who john is, go back to my posts from the end of last year) We got really excited together over the Lady Gaga Telephone music video premier, and had a great time at the mall about a week ago. Then after healthcare passed we got into a great conversation about it and I hoped that he would realize how perfect we are for each other. Didn't happen. We don’t seem to get along all the time anyways, and he has his hook-up buddy, CJ.
So this brings me to my Prom plans. I am going to ask John. Probably Monday, and probably just as friends. I don’t expect him to say yes, and I don’t even necessarily want him to. I will offer, because he is my friend and he is a Junior and won’t be able to go unless he goes with a Senior. He may already be going with some other friends anyways, and in that case I will probably just go with my friends. My whole motive to have him come would be to have the before party at my house and introduce him to my parents as my prom date... and come out to them that way. I will, of course need to run that by him first, but I don’t see him opposing to it. I don’t even care what he does once we get there, I just kinda want him for the before party with my parents. There is probably about a 20% chance that it will all work out, but I will try. Otherwise I will wait and see what happens and not push anything.
OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES YES YES! Tonight the Senate Reconciliation Health care Bill passed in the House 219 yea - 211 nay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I Credit Nancy Pelosi for this. I may not have liked her a few years ago, but since Obama took charge she has been the only solid source of Democratic leadership we have had. But i do have to credit Obamas deal with Rep. Stupac and other anti-abortion democrats to eliminate the possibility of federal funding for abortions. Although I would have liked to see it pass with that still in it, it was necessary and a well played political move by Obama.
I have waited 15 months to see some god damn change and here it is. I now believe that Congress is capable of doing what needs to be done for the interest of America, even if it isn't totally willingly. It isn't the best bill in the world, but it is all we could have hoped for...
It was especially sweet using Reconciliation against Republicans to pass it with a simple majority, so we could keep a lot of the really important stuff in there. Just a day or two ago protesters were spitting at Democratic Congressmen and cursing them out. They were shouting "Nigger" and other awful derogatory terms toward black Congressmen and shouted 'Faggot" at Rep. Barny Frank. Some Congressmen said it was as bad as the Civil Rights Act passed in the 60s as far as the mentality of the crowd.
It was sooo funny seeing Minority Leader Boehner flit out as he pleaded to democrats to vote against it! He looked just like the fucking idiot he is!
As the bill reached the 216 needed to pass the democrats on the floor of the house were cheering and began the classic chant of "Yes We Can!" I would have died to be there tonight, and yes, i know I'm a nerd, but i love politics! Even though it isn't as great as what i hoped for when health care debates started, tonight was still at least as exciting to me as election night 2008. This needed to be done and here it is!!!
Now the Senate has to pass major amendments to the bill, which will take a long time and will be another major battle, but the main portion has been passed.
I will shut up now, but i am sooooooo fucking excited! I didn't expect this and now i am overwhelmed with joy!!!
So 1st things 1st. I wanna introduce a new blog and give a shout out to another. First off, I have this neighbor that we shall call Noelle. She is 13 and has all sorts of stress going on, so I helped her set up a blog today to help her vent and stuff. I don’t think she has posted yet, but follow her and check it out when she does. Second, Check out Ben's World. He is awesome, and writes really well. He lives like 20 minutes away from me too, which is pretty cool!
Also today my dad and I went to this burger place in Albuquerque that we were told was really good. It wasn’t. The food wasn’t bad, well, the fries were, but it was scary! It is called 'Lumpies' or something really unappealing like that; it’s on a really shady part of Central Ave. in Albuquerque (NOT where you wanna be if you are a 125 pound white boy like me). You line up outside and write down your order on paper bags with red crayons and go up to pay and just wait for it off to the side with all these ghetto-ass cars zooming by. It was super expensive and greasy so I don’t recommend it to any Albuquerquians out there or people who might visit one day.
Now on to the philosophy. When our friend from Texas was here we shared a lot of our philosophies. Like me he comes up with a lot of his own philosophies and stuff. Although he is 'gay' he strongly advocates Pansexuality. He thinks that physical attraction (being straight, bi or gay) is one thing, but people all have a pansexual side. Pansexuality is simply the love of the soul, no matter what the person’s sex or appearance are. IDK how I wasn’t aware of 'pansexuality' up to this point in my life. We talked about it for a long time and specifically explained it. It was really fascinating, and it explains a lot of emotions that I have. Anyways, you might wanna research it more.
I am freaking scared about the Healthcare vote going on in Congress this weekend! If it doesn’t pass I will have officially lost all faith in Americans and out political process. I am not hopeful that it will pass, but… *fingers crossed!*
And you guys have sucked at asking me things on Formspring lately! Love you! ~Anton
OMFG! I’m so sorry it’s taken me forever to post something! It’s my Spring Break and I'm living it up! We have an old friend that is visiting from Texas who is super fucking cool and really cute... but he has a boyfriend. Also I think vodka may have opened us up well enough to salvage our group from kicking someone out... I am also in contact with my best friend from elementary school that I haven't talked to in years and years... it’s really cool.
So I have decided to stop bitching about my friends... I do it too much and I know it isn’t very interesting. I do have some love interests and issues, but those can wait. For the next post or two I’m just gonna be sharing my philosophical nonsense.
Today I’ll talk about '___ism's. The way I think about it is that there are two scales that people can call on that are independent from each other, but often times coincide.
People fall on both of these scales and usually they line up like I have written them.
To clarify; here is how I use all of these terms in my model -An Optimist is somebody who tends to feel hopeful and positive about future outcomes. -An Objectivist is someone who thinks that moral truths or external objects exist independently of the individual mind or perception. -A Pessimist is somebody who always expects the worst to happen.
-A Realist is somebody who only considers things as they are or appear to be, and avoids ideals and abstractions. -A Pragmatist is someone who looks for compromise and wants to make everyone as happy as possible. -An Idealist is someone who looks for and expects the best things to happen for everyone, no questions asked.
I am mostly a Pessimistic-Realist... For me I like pessimism because you aren’t disappointed when things go badly and are extra happy when good things happen. As far as my realism, I don’t see any other way to operate. Yes, my pessimism interferes a bit with seeing everything, but over all I have trained myself to make quick and logical decisions with a pretty good success rate based on looking at things realistically. By nature I dislike Idealists because they miss major points that hinder what they want to happen from taking shape. They waste time and energy on tasks that can’t be accomplished. Pragmatists just make idealistic ideas seem realistic, but usually change little or nothing, unless they are very good at what they do. Optimists are let down to easily and make themselves vulnerable to disappointment. Objectivists, however are able to identify all points and make fair judgments, which is incredibly rare and useful.
Of course this is just how I view all of these things. I believe my model works, but it is open to interpretation. I hope in interested you.
And at the very least check out the last like paragraph of IttyK's post and help her out if you can =) http://ittyk.blogspot.com/2010/03/descending-into-madness.html
1: The Unexpected So one of my 'friends' that is kinda in our group is a total bitch! I have mentioned her a few times (under the name of Tiger) and at this point I’m pissed at her. At lunch we were sitting around in our usual spot and I finished my friend’s muffins and being too lazy to get up and throw it away, I throw it at Dolphin so she will do it. Then she throws it back at me and I throw it at rabbit and we just toss it at each other for like a minute; pretty innocent, right? then I toss it to tiger who like runs over and fucking attacks me! she like rips out my hair and we almost get into a full on fight, but I figure it’s bad to fight a girl, even if I’m barely stronger then her. whatever. Any who, at the end of lunch I pour my water bottle on her and storm off... I doubt we will be ok for a long time even though she sent a note along with Panda to Rabbits house after school sincerely apologizing. I have never been one to forgive easily and she crossed the line and totally over reacted.
2: The Expected War Our group was hanging out today, everyone except for Peacock. Turtle, who keeps trying to win Dolphin back was there, and earlier wrote her a 3 page note telling her how important she is to him. The rest of us have been PISSED at how long their break up took and how she dragged it out. She keeps leading both boys on and sending mixed signals to Turtle. Because of that he thinks there is still hope, even when there really isn’t. We all adore him, he is such a good person but Dolphin is shallow and stupid and selfish. When we were at Taco Bell today, before Peacock arrived, she was secretly caressing Turtles leg under the table... he told me about it later in the day. Peacock showed up and it was soooo awkward, especially when Peacock and Dolphin kissed. Turtle pulled me aside and told me how hard it was for him, especially with what happened at Taco Bell. We know that he has seen us as really good friends through this whole thing cuz we have all been on his side. This evening he sent me the following text: "Hey tell the gang I had a great time today with all of you guys but today was the last. Thank you all for all the great times. Good bye" IDK what to make of it! Is it suicidal? Is it him surrendering to her bull shit she has put him through and giving up? IDK!!! I am still talking to several people about it and formulating a plan. I will have less than 5 hours of sleep and I have a HUGE day tomorrow, but this is too big to ignore. We have decided to begin cutting like 90% of our ties with Dolphin and Peacock. Were done! they are inconsiderate and dramatic and this is TOTAL BULL SHIT!!! Way over the line!
I will keep you updated. I may not post again till like Monday. Big weekend, but I shouldn’t be doing anything too bad. Any questions e-mail me or formspring me.
So it’s gotten to the point where we are gonna slowly drop Dolphin and Peacock from our group. If they don’t like it then they will clean up their act around us and stop making us feel uncomfortable. panda and I have been devising out battle plans to accomplish our goal, and tomorrow we are drawing the line in the sand, telling them where we stand, and giving them a week before we just stop inviting them to our parties and such.
It seems to be too easy for me to do this to them. I am a soulless cut-throat ass hole, but I have made myself that way to protect myself. I would do well in politics.
My shingles is doing very well, it should be gone in a week or so I’m guessing.
Spring break is next week and with this turn of events with Dolphin and Peacock I’m not sure what all we're doing. I know Friday we are having a 25% clean bonfire, Saturday an old friend is coming into town. I kinda replaced him as gay of the group, and he is really cool, even though I don’t know him as well as everyone else. Sunday some of our group is shaving their heads for a St. Baldric’s fundraiser for cancer patients. It’s really cool of them to do, but I can’t part with my hair. We will probably have a party at Peacocks house sometime too cuz his mom is outta town. We will see what happens there with him and Dolphin, but I don’t expect good things...
We also learned about the Yellowstone volcano today in Natural Disasters. They are saying it could blow anytime and if it does it will cause a mass extinction. As scary and awful as that is it excites me, a lot. I dislike what humanity has done to Earth. We are a parasite and we need to have some kind of population control. IDK, I’m a sick person but, whatever. =)
I have been quite unhappy lately and i have been thinking a lot. Im sure i will share them with you soon enough...
First off, drama continues with friends, but everyone else is seeing things my way and I think we are gonna end up doing our own thing for a while. The shingles are doing alright, and are noticeably getting better. And homework (thesis in particular) has been time consuming and I’ve been catching up with some old friends, so my posting may be irregular, so sorry about that.
So Friday I went with my friends to see Alice in Wonderland. I thought it was very good. It was colorful, original and all around well done. I loved the cast and although it was lacking in some areas it was amazing. I also finally watched UP. It was absolutely one of the best animated kid movies I have ever seen! I even cried a couple times during in, which isn’t common for me at all. Another movie that I would recommend is Incendiary. It is very good and at least for me, thought provoking. There are several movies I’m looking forward to seeing. One is the Hurt Locker, not only because it won all sorts of awards, but it just looks well done and interesting. Clash of the Titans looks like it may be interesting. The main one I’m looking forward to see is Percy Jackson and the Olympians. It looks like an alright story and fairly well done, but my major interest in Logan Lerman, who plays Percy. He is positively the most attractive thing in existence. I literally started salivating when I walked by a poster of him on my way to Alice in Wonderland. I can’t wait to go see it and just stare at his sexiness for 2 hours.
That’s about all I have for you today, sorry if I’ve been boring, but I am busy and stressed. Love you guys! ~Anton
1) I went to the doctor yesterday. I have shingles. It sucks, and is itchy and kinda hurts. I’m on an anti-viral regimen. fun fun.
2) Elsa and I are done fighting. I am happy about that.
3) I have been super stressed about my friends lately and they continue to piss me off. Not 3 days after Dolphin broke up with Turtle she was making out with Peacock. It’s like, SLOW IT DOWN! GOD! And to make things worse, they were doing it in front of me when I was alone with them which was really uncomfortable for me. They intentionally did it RIGHT IN FRONT of me and then the fucking ass holes told me off for making it awkward and staring, when I was just trying to mind my own business. I’m sorry, but I’m pissed at them and I’m hardly talking to them and I haven’t been hanging out with the group for a couple days. I am lobbying to get them kicked out of our group, but I don’t think I have enough support from everyone else so I will just deal with it.
4) I think I may be getting addicted to coffee. I love it, even though it doesn't really wake me up or anything. And it can’t be black or anything, but lattes are amazing.
5) I am once again caring a lot more that I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t even know who I’m really interested in who is a realistic option though. Its reeeally frustrating.
6) Thanks for the formspring questions, I enjoy answering them. Good job everyone! haha =)
7) I was proud of myself today when my English teacher wrote down something I said today during a class discussion. The fact that he thinks I’m quotable is cool.
8) This girl who is a friend of a few of my friends in Utah, and who I talked to once or twice tried to kill herself, but fortunately didn’t succeed. She seems really cool so I’m happy she’s ok. Suicide is EVERYWHERE lately, I know way too many suicidal people. This is NOT good! Gah!
Lately people all over are continually disappointing me in enumerable ways. And the doctor said stress is a probable cause of my shingles onset at such a young age. *sigh*
Hello! So i a couple posts i talked about my "Mud Hut" and there was some confusion about what the hell it is. Basically think: African Hut...
New Mexico is super sandy and has little in the way of trees, well, the part I live in... up north is a lot better. There is also very little to do around here. One day a couple neighbors and i had this idea to make a building out of all the fine New Mexico dirt that we have soooo much of, and we started building. We mixed hay, mud, rocks, wood and whatever we could find all together into our basic, primitive adobe building material.
We would find other random things to stick in the walls like cinder blocks, 2X4's, metal wiring and even a cupboard, which we use and is just there, built into the wall.
My dad built a wooden roof over it for us and it is shingled and weather resistant. although we still need to put in some covering on the windows and get a real door, both are still just covered by sheets or fabric that serve as makeshift doors/shutters.
All together it took close to 2 years to build, and until my school friends started coming over, had seen little use, despite the hundreds of hours of work my neighbors ind I put into it... although building it was fun too.
Its 7 feet tall and has enough room for about 7 or 8 people to sleep, so its pretty big, although we have considered adding a second room so we can have more people over. But that sounds like way too much effort! haha
Its really cool and unique. I am proud of my mud hut!
Hey. Sorry its been a while, I'm sick and pretty stressed and such, and typing a post just seemed too difficult. Before I get into the stuff with my friends, I wanna thank Scottie for giving me a shout-out. And: FORMSPRING me!
It was my mom’s birthday today and we went out to eat. It was pretty relaxing even though I've been feeling like shit. When we were at the restaurant I was reeeally close to coming out to them, but one of my friends I was texting convinced me not to. I don't know if I should have... Our waitress was also pretty cracked out and poured the iced tea all over the table and didn't even notice.
Now I'll start with my out of state friends first. I have been talking A LOT with that one girl friend of mine that I told you about that said she liked me. I have some intense feelings for her too, despite the fact that she has an icky vagina and all. We don’t seem to be making a lot of progress dealing with everything. hmm... oh well. Elsa is pissing me off. She won’t explain something that I really want to know and feel like I deserve to know cuz it has to do with me. Its unreasonable and mean. And being sick does not help my patients level either. I’m sure it’s not a big deal to her but it’s important to me and idk why she’s being such a bitch.
Now for my friends here. So Dolphin and Turtle officially got back together this week. I was super happy and we all thought things would get back to normal. Wednesday was Peacocks birthday so Rabbit, Dolphin Lion and I ditched school and hung out with him and had fun all day, completely not awkward.
On Thursday Panda and I were at Rabbits house baking cookies for another one of our friends, Tiger, who’s birthday was on Friday. Dolphin went to go spend quality time with Turtle, and Peacock decided to go do homework. We were suspicious that Dolphin and Peacock were secretly together because they would text us at about the same time and then both go 15 minutes or whatever not texting us. Peacock came over eventually and Dolphin arrived about 15 minutes later with some intense sex hair. We were suspicious about the two of them, but we eventually found out that it was Turtle that Dolphin had been with. Peacock Dolphin Rabbit and I went on a walk late at night and had some deep conversations, but everything seemed to be fine.
Friday things began to go to hell. After school Dolphin Lion Rabbit and Peacock all came over for one of our parties. While we were at Subway getting dinner, Turtle was texting me telling how important it is that he can’t lose her, and that he was pissed that Dolphin and Peacock would be spending the night together. I told him that I would let him know if anything happened and that I was on his side. Also at Subway I saw my really cute neighbor who I haven’t seen in weeks. He seems to have changed a lot. Later on Tiger came over, got drunk, and went back home, after kissing everyone and being loud and crazy. Panda and her sister came over and we messed with her head for about an hour until they left. Then we all drank a little, much less then last weekend, and Rabbit and Lion told Dolphin that they would be happy to see her and Peacock together, after she had decided and told us that she was gonna break up with him for the 3rd and final time in a week. Fucking vodka! I blame you!
Saturday came along and we woke up, came in from sleeping in the mud hut, and got the sad news of the Chilean earthquake. Over breakfast Turtle was texting Dolphin and in quite a rage. Throughout the morning she broke up with him and made it clear that they wouldn’t be getting back together after all. The situation was very awkward cuz, on top of Peacock sitting next to her holding her hand through it while still at my house, Turtle was at Dolphins house with her parents, being comforted by Dolphins mom. That night was Peacocks official birthday party. We made pizzas and had this godly cake. It was a double-decker strawberry cake with 2 layers of chocolate frosting and ice cream between the layers of cake and covered in hand made whipped cream and chocolate covered strawberries... OMG! After that we just hung out, and although Dolphin and Peacock never kissed, they were holding hands all night.
Today we didn’t hang out, although there was a late night hike that I was supposedly invited on, but I never got the text that was inviting me. Idk how that went for the rest of them and it kinda made me pissed that there wasn’t a bigger effort to get the whole group involved. Turtle has been texting me as I am typing this talking about how much he needs Dolphin and how amazing she is. He said he is at work crying and wanting to "run away and die." I am worried about Turtle and I am REALLY pissed off about this whole situation and at all of my friends, besides Tiger and Panda who weren’t involved or on my side.
I am really unhappy tonight from a mixture of things. Anyways, be well. ~Anton
P.s. I am really liking Ke$ha, even if everyone says she is an untalented cracked-out whore, but this is one of her songs that is actually quite nice and doesn’t really have any explicit sex or drug connotations to it. Many of my readers probably wouldn't like her other stuff, but this one is really good! Enjoy!
So while in Atlanta some members of our group had a run in with this very interesting person, I decided to ask one of my friends from the trip to write a peice about him because i could never do the story justice... so here is the story of Alfie:
As many of you readers of this blog may know, Anton just recently went on a Service Trip to the ATL to do some work with the NRN and NSLC. I am a girl from Pennsylvania, and had the great pleasure of meeting Anton. I was asked by him to do what I do best: provide some great comedic relief through a funny story. This however is a special story, this is the Legend of Alfie!
One fine day in the Underground of Atlanta, GA, my friend Alex and I decided to stop and smell the fresh, smoke-filled air. Who else would approach you in a place called the ‘Underground,’ but a cracked-out, black, Hispanic, French, Haitian man named Alfie. After Alfie bummed a cig, he went on to tell us what he was doing in Atlanta. This is what he said (in the time frame of 2 minutes….): Oh yea man, thanks a lot for this cig, here man! So yeas’, me and my wife, y’all we just come on down here from New York City, dude! We lived there for 5 years, but my wife is 6 months pregnant now! She’s having a little baby girl. We figured we would move on down here because it would be cheaper to raise our new baby. When I was born I never met my mom. She died or somthin.’ Imma actually from Haiti. My name, uhh…Alfie, is French though, so I’s actually French. But see here, if ya’ll take a look at my hair (pulls off crazy-ass fucking du-rag, but still has on an old bandana), ya’ll can definitely tell I’s an Indian too. So yea man, my momma brought me from Haiti into South Florida and had me in one of them hospitals there, and then these real nice Caucasian people adopted me. You know, real nice white people! They love adoptin’ them little black, Haitian babies. So anyhow, my wife and I decided that we would move here to have the baby, but now that we can see that our government check is less here, we is never gonna make it. We figure we will actually have the baby in North Carolina, because that is where her, my wife’s, parents live. We are going to leave here in six days…yeupp…(this is on a Monday): Tuesday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday-we is actually leaving in five days now! So yeas……we is gonna have our little baby girl….my wife is 6 months pregnant ya know, and then we are gonna probably just go live on a beach in Miami, Florida. Hey, how would ya’ll nice kids like to buy me and my wife a cup of coffee?.....”The wonderful world of crack is a great blessing…. Hahaha…. Oh Alfie, God Bless you, you crazy mother fucker, where ever you and your pregnant wife are! <3 Lexie
So since I got back, drama has pretty much spiraled outta control with my friends... I will refer to them as Dolphin, Turtle (who is Dolphins boy friend, and really isn't part of our 'group'), Panda, Rabbit, Lion and Peacock (who is the 1 other boy in our group who I like, but is straight. He is also my best guy friend currently).
So I will start on Thursday when I got back to school. I got a really warm welcome back, especially from Rabbit and Panda. This is kinda proof that we are becoming closer cuz they would never react like that in the past. Then they started catching me up on everything that happened while I was gone... There were little things, but the thing that interested all of us the most is that Dolphin and Peacock had started flirting quite a bit, despite Dolphin being with Turtle, but that Dolphin was probably gonna break up with Turtle soon. I thought it was probably just Dolphin being a cock-tease like she does sometimes, but they told me it was different this time.
On Friday school went pretty smoothly and normal, and after it got out me Dolphin, Rabbit and Lion hung out in Target and a few other stores for a few hours until Peacock joined us and Dolphins friend came to buy us 'stuff'. Later everybody, minus Turtle, came over to my house for one of our parties. We were all having a lot of fun, and under the influence of vodka, Dolphin and Peacock started kissing. Panda and I quickly broke them up and right on queue Lion triggered a chain reaction of emotional breakdowns. Dolphin and Panda started crying along with Lion about several things including looks, 'whorishness,' and bad relationships. Rabbit went outside because she felt claustrophobic and needed to throw up... Peacock and I spend about an hour outside with her and during it had a rather deep conversation in which we exchanged some of our deepest darkest secrets. We went back in and he and Dolphin continued to try and hold hands while Panda and I fought them off. It wouldn’t have been such a big deal except that Dolphin was still with Turtle.
We slept about 2 hours and got up and had some sore semi-drunk conversations but things seemed to have died down temporarily. We went back inside around 8 am (we have our parties in a mud hut I made a couple years ago that’s in my back yard) and had breakfast and watched some stuff on YouTube and Hulu until we decided to go back to Rabbits house. While Peacock went home to do chores and Dolphin showered, the rest of us had some intense girl talk about what happened. Later we began work on a YouTube video of our own (which I was gonna post on here, but I look ugly in it and don’t want people seeing it) and it was really awkward during the whole thing, because Dolphin and Peacock kept looking at each other weird and held hands a couple times.
On Sunday I went to go have coffee with an old friend I haven’t seen in like 6 months and we spent a half an hour catching up. It was delightful! Later on Dolphin texted me and said she had broke it off with Turtle, but that night he drove her around and talked a lot, trying to save the relationship (which in all reality he seemed to be neglecting for a while).
Monday Dolphin seemed to be really confused to which one she wanted to be with and kept saying she wanted to be in a double relationship, which neither of the boys would be ok with... She was also kissing Turtle at every chance she got. Rabbit and I had the realization that we really wanted her to stay with Turtle because it would keep our close group of friends from being awkward. Turtle also tried to win me over by buying me a gift that John was supposed to get me ages ago but never did, even though I was already on his side. By the end of the day Dolphin seemed to be pretty convinced that she wanted to stay with Turtle, even if Peacock is the better guy and will have now been turned down by 2 girls in our group (Panda being the other) despite his good looks and great personality.
Today Turtle and Dolphin were officially back together. All of us went to iHop for free pancakes and we went shopping and I got $140 of great new clothes! And some nice cologne. It was a little awkward, but all together good. Tomorrow Peacock turns 18 and we are having a weekend long birthday party for him. I can’t wait and he should like all his gifts, primarily cuz he helped pick them out today! haha
Sorry for this being so long and potentially confusing. I love all of you! ~Anton
“When I don’t know who I am, I serve you. When I know who I am, I am you"
For me, the best thing, by far, about the trip was the 30 or so people that were there. I went into the trip knowing about 5 of them from other experiences. The other people I met were just as fantastic as always on these sorta things. Some were shy at first and others were very outgoing, verging on annoying at points, but regardless I liked them all in the end. I was somewhere in the middle between outgoing and shy, but in the past I was always incredibly shy. The thing is that in a normal school setting, most of us would NEVER be friends, or even really met. It put me in a new element that forced me to acquire all of these unique friends. They made me cry and laugh so many times in those 6 days, and truly changed me for the better. I change and improve every time I go on these trips and I don’t know if I would even be ‘out’ if it wasn’t for the first NSLC trip…
One specific person I want to acknowledge is the founder of the National Relief Network (NRN) who sponsored us. The NRN is a nonprofit that takes high school and college students out all over the country to disaster zones and it is a great organization. It was founded 20 years ago and since then this man has devoted his life to helping people help others. He is genuine and sweet and I have had the pleasure of working with him twice.
Another person I want to talk about is one of the important people at the top of NSLC and facilitator of many programs, including the service trips. He is charismatic and inspirational and brings these concepts of self empowerment and love with him, and spreads them to those who he is around. Although I don’t agree with everything he says and I can see some flaws in his logic, I respect his accepting nature, his motives, his ability to lead and inspire students and the responses he creates. He, along with the NSLC, have changed me and brought out so many good things about me. I have seen him on both previous trips, but this time I saw him in a new element. I came away with so much more than ever before and I gained so much more respect for him. I had enumerable positive realizations in Georgia. I was on his radio show "The Gift" on Air America after the New Orleans trip to talk about service, and was invited back on after this trip, but declined due to severe friend drama, which I will talk about in my next post. His charisma has even reached the attention the heads of ABC where he is being considered to host a new education based reality show. I am not one to buy into EVERYTHING he says like some others do, but he is right about soooo many things. The world should have the opportunity to learn from him, because it would truly make it a better place… Thank you Mr. P!
I also met his unbelievable staff member who is one of the greatest people ever. She told us about running away from her home as a teenager. She is closely involved with the highly publicized and unfair trial of Amanda Knox, the American who was accused with murder in Italy, and has had to deal with publicity and death threats. During the trip was also the anniversary of her being raped by one of her friends. I was touched and amazed by her openness and courage in sharing her life with us. She is so incredibly strong and devotes her life to her students in the NSLC and at her job at the Boys and Girls Club, despite her hardships. So fucking inspirational! I want to be able to be such an amazing person and I look forward to working with the NSLC in the future so I can help kids in the way she does cuz she was an amazing TA.
Southern hospitality is no myth either. I have grown to like the South and many people in it, despite my preconceived notions. They are genuine and polite and a pleasure to be around. It still surprises me to say this because of how much I thought I hated it before I visited it a few times. I still don’t appreciate the ultra-conservative principles and old fashioned thinking of many of them, but overall I enjoy visiting the South.
I met so many other students that I have “unconditional and eternal love for.” People are becoming more and more my reason for living. You all are crazy/loving/beautiful/sweet/strong/giving /amazing people. You made this one of the best weeks of my life! I had so much fun! THANK YOU!
Hatred and bitterness can never cure the disease of fear; only love can do that. Hatred paralyzes life, love releases it. Hatred confuses life. Love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.” –MLK Jr.
So, here is a brief over view of what we did: Day 1 Land in Atlanta and spend 4 hours in the airport waiting for people to get there. I am the first one for this and I watch as all these strangers meet up with the person collecting us. We sit around and begin to get to know each other. We get to the place we are staying at and unpack and socialize a bit
Day 2 We have a 2 hour delay because of snow… in Georgia! We played Apples to Apples and get to know each other even better. We then go and start our work on this house. It is just a skeleton of a building. Just a frame and a roof. We begin to insulate it and I have a great moment working with this one girl who helped me finish an entire wall. Then we went over to the church that owns this building for lunch where they made us a great lunch and prayed for us and such, which touched me even though I’m not religious. We also had TA meetings where we shared goals and recognized each other for things. It was good.
Day 3 More insulation work… and we went bowling (I think. It may have been some other night, but it’s all just a blur so I’m not sure when this was, exactly)
Day 4 Last day of work and we finished most of the insulation. Other people also got most of the dry wall up and we had about 30 firefighters (none of whom were very attractive) help us with dry wall. We really put some muscle on the bones of that house. We went back to the lodge that we were staying at and had I fierce dance party, lots of fun! Even though I don’t dance much. We had a long and emotional group meeting and some very personal sharing going on. I came out to all 32 people in the room during this, and it felt good and accepted. We identified 2 girls with trust issues, gave then blindfolds and made a trust ladder with pairs of people holding up sticks at different heights that they had to get through. It was a very intense bonding moment and after it we had a huge group hug and most of us were crying. It was a beautiful experience.
Day 5 This was our last full day together and it was devoted to fun. We went to the MLK memorial/tomb. It was very moving. After that we went to the Atlanta aquarium, which is massive and awesome. It also has several whale sharks and huge manta rays that are simply awe inspiring and terrifying at the same time. AMAZING! We also went to the Atlanta underground mall, which was super ghetto (the maniquins had some serious black girl asses.) and shady, but fun. I am gonna try to get one of my new friends to write a hilarious piece about a guy she met down there… I also got a couple souvenir license plates from this one store that had a whole bunch of them with ghetto black girl names. I got one that says Shameeka (which has a truly great story behind it) and one that says Dick. They are both proudly sitting in the back window of my car now. We went back to the lodge and ate pizza and had a dance off and just hung out. Then we had another very emotional group meeting that consisted of 2 hours of sharing everything we could think of… we could have gone on all night. There were many tears cuz none of us wanted to leave. It was one of the most emotional nights of my life for sure.
Day 6 We woke up, showered, ate breakfast, packed and cleaned. Some people left early, but the rest of us got on the bus and headed to the airport. We all checked in and settled ourselves in the place where we met on the first day. One moving experience was when a hundred soldiers or so made their way through the atrium and everyone in there gave them a loud round of applause. It was very cool. Slowly groups of us would make our way through security accompanied by an endless torrent of crying and love. I left with 3 others, but leaving the larger group was still one of the hardest things to do. In line one of the kids told he how brave it was when I came out to everybody, and how he respected me for it. I cried harder. I rode the plane to Denver with that kid and said my last goodbye of the day. I made my way back to Albuquerque, rode home with my dad and unpacked and listened to sad music.
~ONE OF THE BEST TRIPS EVER~
And here is a pic of my new hair... you cant see it THAT well, but whatever...
“Be the change you want to see in the world” –Gandhi
Hey everybody! It has been one hell of a week. Atlanta was amazing, it will probably take me 3 days of posting to write all that I want to about it. The program I went on this trip with is the National Student Leadership Conference (NSLC). They provide learning experiences in many different fields for high school students. Last June I went on a Politics and Policy conference in Washington DC and a Katrina relief project in New Orleans with them in November. This time it was flood relief in Georgia. This trip we mostly worked on this house for kids 18-21 or so who are having a really rough time and need a safe place to be while they get on their feet. I was a great cause in my opinion. And i was the only (at least outted) gay there so... no romances. oh well =/ It is one of the best programs ever. It is not only educational, but you grow as a person on so many levels. I am always making dozens of close, fantastic relationships on these trips. I plan on going on one more before I apply to be an intern and eventually a Team Advisor with the NSLC. I urge all teens reading this, in the US and out, to go. If you are interested e-mail me and I will nominate you for admission.
Suicide has struck again… another friends-friends friend, but it still impacts me based on my past… please no one else kill yourself!! Please! We (I) can’t handle it.
& to any of my readers being disrespectful in “In Which I vent about everything”: Fuck You. Stop reading her blog. Stop reading my blog. I don’t want anything to do with you. She is amazing and you don’t know what she goes through. If you can’t be nice, go away. Blogs are meant to vent and express yourself and we have to support each other. I like to think its other people and not my readers who are saying these things, cuz some of it is pretty fucked up, so… yeah. Sorry. But it pissed me off.
I will have more for you on Atlanta tomorrow. Goodnight ~Anton
hey guys, i have some limited interned access, i just wanted to give you a quick update. I'm in the Atlanta airport and I'm gonna be here for like another 4 hours before we get to go to the place we are staying at... Its snowing here and a ton of people are stranded. My team advisor is really cool too I have only seen one boy in the group so far, and he really isn't hook-up material. haha. maybe i will have some more luck later...
I changed up the colors (obviously) so lemme know if you like it or not.
remember... formspring! kay, i will stop being so annoying about it =)
...You spend 3 hours in the beauty salon getting your hair done (and loved every second of it) Yup, that was what i did after school today, and it looks SOOOOOO CUTE!!! Its an emo style cut but I got lots of blond highlights and dark tips on my bangs! i LOVE it. Such a confidence booster!
I have lots to say, but I'm gonna have to cut it short. I still have LOTS of packing to do and I leave for Atlanta in 10 hours.
While i am gone: FORMSPRING FORMSPRING FORMSPRING!!!! The link is in the side bar. ask me anything =)
And to those of you who sent me e-mails yesterday, i read them and i will get back to them when i get back and have more time. I will be back Wednesday night, but will write you a lengthy post telling you about my trip probably on Thursday.
Till then i love you all and i will miss you! ~Anton
Oh imagination, you are a wild and untamed beast! Hello everybody!
Life is super busy. i haven't had much time to hang out with my friends like usual for the past couple days. I have had tons to do getting ready for Atlanta and i have had homework stuff too. I was proud of myself today when i convinced my English teacher to give me credit for an assignment i never did. We are also doing a fun project in government that has kept me occupied.
JJ, who some of you may know has started a blog. http://www.3jhome.blogspot.com/ is the link, and i have it linked in the side bar too. He is a really cool kid and you should go read his blog. I was reading Rowan's great little blog, Daily Doings yesterday, and he is rather close to JJ. Apparently JJ is having some medical problems with his appendix or something. Best wishes to you man. Get well soon.
Other then that, Ellen is on American Idol, so I'm super happy! i LOVE her! And I'm getting a hair cut tomorrow! I cant wait! i hope its super cute =) Thank you to that 1 person who asked me a new question on formspring...
Make good choices (and yes, i know I'm a hypocrite for saying that) ~Anton P.S. my e-mail is working again so if you need/want to send me an e-mail i can read it now =)
Hey guys! 1st off, thanks for all your responses and such to my last post, although you all fail at asking my questions on formspring... haha. And I added 3 more blogs to my links. Check them out =) My e-mail is being a stupid bitch and isnt working, so if i dont respond to any of your e-mails, its not cuz im an ass hole. I am also having problems with "Thoughts of a Gay Boy in High school" its a great blog, but he has obviously changed it so you need an invite to read it or something. IDK, but it made me mad. Oh well...
So anyways, senior thesis is a bitch! Its not that bad actually writing it, and i enjoy my topic, 'Why we Need a Public Health Insurance Option,' but I have to do all this crap for it that has little to no benefit towards writing the damn thing! Its annoying.
Now to the topic of my post title. Yes I am a virgin, although i have gone quite far with a girl (it was yucky!) but i have only ever kissed a boy. I don't like being a virgin, although i am not like freaking out about neeeding to lose it or anything. I am hoping (fingers crossed) that i will meet someone cool to hook up wit during my trip to Atlanta. I know "hook ups are dumb" "use protection" blah blah blah... It is something i will take advantage of, if the opportunity arises.
My thinking about my virginity the past few days probably happened because one of the people in my group of friends unexpectedly lost her virginity last weekend. We were all kinda excited and shocked, but at the same time disappointed, because just a week ago she had her very 1st kiss with a boy in out group who likes her quite a lot, but she doesn't like back. FYI the one who likes her is the straight boy i have a little crush on... So yeah, we all thought he would be hurt cuz it seemed like he thought something could happen between them, but he seems to be handling it well. Or is at least hiding his emotions for the most part. He just seems a little out of the loop. Now there are only 5 of us left out of 10 who are still virgins, and hopefully that will change for me this trip....
I strongly believe in sex before marriage, because with out a good sex life it is really hard to keep a relationship up. I would like to find someone to be in a relationship with, but no luck here so far... so i will try for a hook up or to =) Please tell me if I'm being stupid, but it makes sense to me in my head.
Now off to go try and finish this damn book i have been trying to read for 2 months! its a very good book, i just get too distracted to read... laters ~Anton
Ok... before i tell you all about my stupidity that has been making me feel guilty and ashamed of, I wanna thank everyone for the questions on my formspring. Keep it up =) http://www.formspring.me/Antonhawk
So anyways. The sleepovers I've been having almost every weekend with my friends aren't entirely innocent. I told you all about the bonfire a month or so ago when i first smoked hookah and drank a little. Well, since then i have smoked hookah probably 4 more times. Last weekend i smoked hookah again and drank about 4 shots of brandy. On top of that i tried pot for the 1st time. I took a few hits off one of my friends roaches. I didn't feel anything from either the alcohol or the pot though... This Friday we had another sleepover and we didn't have pot or hookah but we got a half pint of spiced rum and a half pint of vodka. I did get quite tipsy but i didn't over do it. It actually lead to a really close bonding experience with my 3 friends that were over. I was particularly touched when they all compared me with John and said i have a better personality and I'm more attractive. I find John to have a great personality and to be very attractive, where as i don't think im good looking at all. It made me happy, even if they were a bit drunk.
Anyways, I guess my guilt comes from trying the pot, which i promised dozens of people, including myself, i wouldn't do. I also feel awful about not telling some of my friends; mostly Elsa from Atop a Lily Pad. I tell her everything and we supposedly trust each other... but I've been lying for weeks. I'm sorry.
I don't know what the future holds for my bad habits. I have 2 weeks in which i wont have any (cuz I'll be in Atlanta next weekend). Looking back at the past month, i am incredibly disappointed in myself, as I'm sure many of you are. I know I'm not that bad, i mostly feel bad about keeping secrets. I need to be honest. Anyways, i apologize for any of you that care.
Emotions suck. I cant decide if I'm happy or sad most of the time. My friends here, 3 in particular continue to become more and more important to me. We had another sleepover last night and had fun.
As far as my dad, he has been playing obnoxious music really loudly and is causing problems at work. He likes to sing and does so while at work. Some of his coworkers, who don't like him very much, complained and he got yelled at. He want ape shit on his boss and told him that they were just out to get him and threatened to take the company to court for letting a 'hostile work environment' continue. I don't care who you are, singing at school or in the work place is annoying as hell! Id be pissed if i had to work with that!
I don't feel like I can be honest with a lot of people anymore. Even some that i care about the most. I feel guilty, but if i don't keep my mouth shut i could cause some problems... Its also preventing me from saying some things on here that i normally would. I'm sure i will give in soon enough. Its making me feel terrible
That girl who said she kinda fell for me started a blog. She is a reallly good writer and her first post is largely about me. It really made me feel rather disappointed in myself. If you are interested, here is the link: http://ittyk.blogspot.com/2010/02/stupid-stupid-boys.html
I'm going to Atlanta at the end of next week. Cant wait! ~Anton
Hey guys, I'm not the happiest person today. I have for a long time hated my school district and the idiots who run it. They have for a long time implemented a strict dress code and have dozens of absurd rules. Our superintendent is a useless human being who has done nothing progressive. Her only accomplishment is getting the new high school (which is in the top 10 most expensive public school ever built in the country) named after herself during a closed-door meeting.
Yesterday we got a bit of snow, well, 2 inches, which is a lot for here. This morning the roads were unbelievably slippery and icy and while driving to school i ended up hitting 3 traffic cones, several curbs and sliding all over the road. When i got to school it was barely salted at all and dangerous outside. And we have 5 buildings so you have to go outside to get to your next class. I cant count the number of people i saw fall. It was incredibly dangerous; i know 2 people who had fender benders. Santa Fe, Albuquerque, Beranlillo and about every other city in the state, including all of them that are close to mine, had given the schools at least a 2 hour delay, but not my district. Most people didnt even get to school on time and it was a total waste of a day. By not declaring a 2 hour delay they put the well being of all their students at risk, and for what? Anyways I now have a vendetta against my superintendent and i am determined to see her fired!
Besides that, I got into the University of New Mexico today. Its almost impossible to not get accepted, but I'm still happy I got in. I'm not really looking forward to college, but oh well i guess...
The straight guy i like is still hanging out with us almost everyday. I have kept myself from getting emotionally involved and i don't really care if anything happens. I just enjoy the eye candy! haha! He is a really good cook and made us food the other day. It made me rather happy.
I've only got like 1 question from my Formspring page so feel free. Its in the links thing on the side. Ask anything =) ~Anton
Wow, thank you all so much on the positive feedback yesterday. i made my day. Life, as always for me, is ups and downs; intertwined with trials, mystery, unpredictability and the confusion. Sometimes i truly feel like i am living in a wonderland. I keep stumbling into situations i wouldn't have found unimaginable a short while ago. Every new day is and adventure and its keeps me occupied from the darker parts of reality that bring me down.
Speaking of Wonderland i am very excited for the new movie with Johnny Depp. Here is a great song from it by Avril Lavigne, who i like very much.
I know i can get a little screamy in places, but i like it.
I think i may be getting slightly ahead of myself. Life seems to be going faster then my mind can process. I maybe need to start taking some time out of my day to just think and process things. I didn't get home till 9:30 tonight from my friends. Idk if its a good thing or not. I feel better when i do things like that, but i am also becoming more and more dependent on people to be happy and i think i may be changing in some ways that im not sure if i like. ~A
Things are kinda falling apart, but not majorly. I have been making some kinda bad decisions, keeping secrets and I am having lots of depressing thoughts about love and such. But I’m currently feeling strong enough to deal with everything and be ok.
I am back in contact with my friend who said she fell for me. I am worried about her ability to move on and be ok. Yesterday I pissed her off by telling her to move on and today we are arguing that even if anything ever happened, I’m not a worthy enough person for her. I’m angry with myself and this whole situation that was rather preventable, but I know I will be ok in the end.
I had a really good time with my friends on Friday; they continue to be a great comfort and distraction from bad things.
That’s about all that is interesting for the moment. I haven’t asked this for a while so: 1) Is there anything you wanna know about me? 2) Is there anything I can do to make my blog better? 3) Is there anything I can help you with? Thanks guys, you’re great! Peace ~Anton
Hey. I’m really sorry my posting has been irregular lately. I have continued to be busy and my internet has been abnormally uncooperative.
One thing that been on my mind a lot lately has been suicide. Don’t worry, it’s not like I’m contemplating it or anything… One of my best friend’s-love interests-good friends (I know… it’s complicated) killed himself earlier in the week. My friend is pretty shaken up about it.
Anyways, it got me thinking about suicide. I have considered some of the reasons behind it and how it can often times be reasonable if you really have no happiness and don’t see any in the future. Other times it is a foolish, uncalculated decision that just damages hundreds of people. I have never met this kid who died and only saw his friend once, but it has still had an impact on my life. Death is far-reaching. Although I’m not opposed to it in all cases, I think probably 9 times out of 10 suicide is a selfish decision that people wouldn’t make if they were thinking reasonably.
About 4-6 years ago I was very suicidal. I lived in a small redneck city that I hated; I didn’t have any good friends, besides my girl friend, who ended up moving far away. I also had the biggest problems at home that I have ever had. After I got home from a particularly bad day, I went into my parents drug-cabinet and grabbed a handful of the first pills I saw with a warning on the bottle. I went into my room and lined them all up and just stared at them for a long time. I eventually decided I wasn’t ‘brave enough’ to OD on them. I left them there for another week or so and looked at them every day considering swallowing them all. Until one day I got a call from this girlfriend, that I had broken up with on account of us not wanting to do a long distance relationship, and we talked for a long time and I found enough reasons to not die, at least for the moment. I probably owe my life to that conversation, and although we have fallen out of contact for the past several years, I still think about that incident a lot.
I haven’t had any thoughts nearly that bad since then, and whenever I have a suicidal thought now it’s usually gone in about an hour. Suicide isn’t a good thing except in veeeery rare cases, so if any of you ever consider it please try to come to your senses and think reasonably or talk to someone. ~Anton
Saturday night’s party was fun! I ended up with a much smaller turn out then I expected, but I still enjoyed the people that did come over. One of them that did come was a new friend of mine and one of those 5 or so new boys I have been kinda crushing on. Let’s call him Kevin, and he is straight, but I kinda have my doubts about that. He is probably one of the top 10 most gorgeous people ever! He flirts with me occasionally and said last night that if he ever were to experiment he would give me a call... so, a boy can hope. =)
I am also beginning to realize what everyone is saying... John isn't worthy of me.
Anyways, I went to bed at like 7 this morning and slept about 3 hours, which is what I like. I don't enjoy sleep, I’d rather do other things, and spending time with my friends is definitely a good thing for me to do.
If you haven't yet, give to the Haiti relief causes. They need it and deserve whatever we can give them. I have been to their sister country, the Dominican Republic and I have seen how many of these people live. They need help at the best of times, let alone now... I will give you info on a fundraising network I hope to start working with sometime this week. ~Anton
Holy shit! It’s been forever since I’ve posted! Well, a few days, but too long. I’-ve been up to a lot and my internet hasn’t been working very well.
So anyways, life has been busy. I haven’t got home from school once this week before 7. Having a social life is fantastic! I haven’t had one this active ever!
Tomorrow I’m having about 8 people over for a party at my house. Yes, there will be alcohol and pot, but I don’t think I will do either. My parents will be here too, so I think it would be awkward for me to be high or drunk with them just downstairs, even though they said I could. (I know… they are idiots)
I got a new radio in my car this week! I’m really excited because the one I had didn’t work and I like driving with music. But the idiots that we bought it from took 3 hours to install it, and put in the wrong one. My mom went to go bitch them out because they cheated us out of like $50 but she didn’t get anywhere. So my dad said will go and threaten to take them to a small settlements court or something if they don’t fix it… Don’t but stuff from Audio Express!!!
Now for a political rant: I am extremely liberal and volunteered about 100 hours of my time to the Obama campaign in the fall of 2008. It has been a year since he was inaugurated and since Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi have taken lead with a 60% majority in the House and Senate. I am nothing but disappointed. They may have pulled out of Iraq, but we continue to support the endless war in Afghanistan. They don’t have the balls to push through a public option bill in the Senate, even if it means resorting to reconciliation which would allow it to pass on 51 votes, not 60. Their stance on climate change is weak and won’t get us anywhere. Guantanamo is STILL open. The Bush administration isn’t being investigated. CEO’s still have their money from those outrageous bonuses. Education reform isn’t even being considered. In short, prospects look bleak for democrats and the progressive agenda. They haven’t done what needs to be done, and now it’s too late go get it all done. The administration has thus far been a failure. Yes, it’s better than the Bush era any day… but I am still very unhappy with Obama. I really hope he start doing what we elected him for…
For the first time in a long time I have established a lot of little crushes… I am making progress getting over things. I will try not to take so long to post, but I have been very busy. ~Anton
Hey! So Elsa, my friend and one of my favorite people in the world started a blog. It’s at http://atopalilypad.blogspot.com/ go spam her with love or I will disown all of you... jk. but you should deff. go check her out. Here is one of her poems that describes my life perfectly (other than the parts where she says 'nearly insane,' I would take out the 'nearly') haha
I am, a person, a being. I am, living, breathing, feeling, thinking.
I hear constant screaming. Inside my head, and out. It drives me to near insanity.
I see one million people. Who are dying on the inside. And who are crying on the outside. And it brings me to tears.
I smell a town, a land, a country. A world. Full of some kind of fake peace, weapons just under the surface. A world. Full of lies, and believers. It fills me with immense hatred.
I feel the air around me. The air that has no control, over anything, so unprotected. It makes me feel incredibly helpless.
So, I am, a person, a being. And I am, nearly insane, crying, hateful, and helpless.
good eh?
I have been doing a lot of thinking about stuff in my post Saturday, but I haven’t come to any conclusions yet, so I won’t go into depth.
Hope life is treating you all well, if not, I’m here to vent to if you need... ~Anton
Oh, and if you have anything you yours (photos, poems, stories, whatever) e-mail them to me and i will post them. =)
The past 2 days have been unbelievably great! School yesterday was very relaxed and sped by in what seemed like a couple hours. Afterschool I went to my friend’ houses, like most days, and had fun chillin till the rest of our group got out. We played Sims 3 and screwed around on the computer until then. It was pretty average, but fun.
We had a party/bon fire/ sleep over thing set up for last night, so after our other friends got out we went over to the person’s house we were partying at and just set up stuff and waited for everyone else to show up. We ended up with 10 people at one point and 7 slept over. Most of my close friends from New Mexico were there, along with 2 new people and John even ditched his swim party to hang out with us. I continue to be emotionally stable around him and I am proud of myself for that.
We had some karaoke so start with while everyone was getting there. The wind was preventing us from having our bon fire, so we all squished into the back of John’s truck and got out some rum and vodka and smoked a hookah. I only had a little rum to drink because I don’t care for alcohol and I am weary of it, considering my families alcoholism problems, but I am responsible. I reeeally enjoyed the hookah even though all that you really get from it is a small nicotine high and some light headedness or whatever. We had a competition to see who could take the longest hit and I won with 26 seconds, even beating John who has swimmers lungs. We realized that the two who could suck on the hookah the longest and best were the 2 gay boys. =)
After we were all light headed from about 2 hours of smoking, and most of us were a bit tipsy or drunk from the alcohol, we got out of John truck to find that the wind had died down. We, in all of our non-sober geniuses, lit a couch and a desk on fire we had acquired for our bon fire and proceeded to roast smores, sing loudly and run around like idiots. Good times, good times…
John and two others left for the night, and another two went to bed early. The five of us left awake went over to the playground of an elementary school to smoke pot. No, I didn’t do it, but after they were done I decided I wanted to, and that next time I will take a hit, just to try it out. I decided that I love the smell of it! It was windy and a really bad night for smoking anyways, so I think maybe it’s good I waited, idk.
We went back to the house and watched Hercules, which got over at 2 am. None of us really wanted to go to bed so we watched another movie, which I need to find out the name of, that was trippy as hell! I wasn’t even that messed up from anything but I was still like “whoa! Wtf!?” through the whole thing… we didn’t get to bed until about 5 am.
At 7 a.m. one of my friends jumped into bed with me for some reason and just laid there for a while, till she went to do that to everyone else. At that point a realized I had a text from one of my closest friends who I love to death, but have a very odd relationship with. I decided to screw sleeping (despite me only having had 2 hours of it) and to talk to her. We talked for about 12 hours straight, which isn’t uncommon, but lately our conversations have gotten rather edgy and sometimes uncomfortable. We yelled at each other for things like me doing a few different bad things and for her doing a little drinking. We argued like usual about who was the worse person or who makes the worse choices and about every other depressing thing you can think of; getting fairly disappointed in each other. I got home at about two and proceeded to have a normal day from that point.
Over all it was a fantastic night and I have obligated my friends to do something like this about once a month now. I am pretty happy with the choices I made and the decisions I have come to. Tonight I am an uncommonly happy person, despite being a bit irritated. ~Anton
Hey guys! So I've been on here for a month today! It feels like its been longer. This is definitely something i enjoy doing, and i love having people read my stuff and give me feedback. =) I love you guys!
Yesterday was horrid. I continued to have my break down over John, and i ended up having a pretty bad anxiety attack in the school library. It was just after i got out of my classes and I went up there to see a friend. It was pretty emotionally crippling but more of a physical breakdown . It was AWFUL. Then I just kinda talked stuff out with my friend and felt better... well, good enough to go home. I kept getting re-depressed over John and super jealous all afternoon. I ended up forcing myself to socialize with my parents so they wouldn't ask why i was being all sulky. Then I watched American Idol and laughed my ass off at all of the failures, even though i can't sing AT ALL. I actually felt truly happy after it. Idol heals all! lol check it out, i LOVE this guy...
Anyways, back to life. Today my happiness persisted, even when i was around John. I decided i am happy for him; which is something i never feel for someone who gets in the way of my being happy. I usually want them to be as unhappy as i am, so this is a good step. I even found out who this boy he's fucking is, and checked out his facebook profile. He's cute! Still a bit jealous, but happy!
I'm looking forward to a party with my friends tomorrow. I think i have made a turn around from last time I talked to you, so hopefully it will last...
So I am still really frustrated with that whole situation with that friend of mine. You guys gave really good feedback. The hardest thing about that situation is the fact that she is out of the country now and it makes things even more complicated in the long run.
Then, I said less than a week ago that I was almost entirely over John. Well it turns out I’m not. Thank god he didn’t make the whole situation with my friend’s boyfriend telling him that I liked him awkward. I'm sure I was over reacting and that he disregarded it. So anyways, I found out that on or Sunday or yesterday or something he hooked up with some guy... all of the sudden I start feeling the same way I did before Christmas. I was utterly upset and totally jealous, two things I promised myself I wouldn’t about John ever again. I thought I was done with this!!! Idk if I’m just being over emotional again or something, but I am ready to crawl in a hole and die. My emotions are becoming unbearable and I have spent all night bitching to some friends who probably don’t care all that much.
I ultimately blame my relapse to the fact that I hardly know any other gay guys at my school, and none of those that I do know I had interest in for very long, besides John of course. I go to a school with 3,200 people, so I know they are out there, I just need to find them!
I also have a friend who will most likely lose her aunt over night. I hate it when my friends are sad, it sucks! My best wishes go out to her whole family. ~Anton
The past 20 hours have been the craziest and worst ever. Everything has changed... again. I thought I knew who I was, I thought I knew what I felt, I thought I knew what I wanted. My life is falling into ruins and it’s not even related to that thing I fear might happen tomorrow with John that I mentioned yesterday.
Last night one of my very best friends (who I hadn’t come out to yet) was texting me about some of my crushes and guessing who I currently liked. I wouldn’t tell her and she eventually asked me if I was gay. I said yes. After not responding for a while she replied and told me that she had fallen love with me. The thing is... i used to really like her, and after visiting with her in Utah over Christmas, i started to wonder if there was still something there. I’m still pretty sure I’m gay... but if ever there was one I would try to go back for, it’s her. I love her... it’s just a question if it’s possible for me to love her in a romantic way. She also leaves on a month long trip to Costa Rica tomorrow, and I will barely get to hear from her. We talked a little tonight and tried to get some sort of closure... but neither of us knew what to say.
Here is the part that will probably make you lose all respect for me. First she’s 3 1/2 years younger than me... I know! Creeper status! Also, for the past, idk, 8 months or so we have been texting a lot. Just for fun we do this stupid flirty stuff and whatever... so now I’m thinking that this could have given her a false sense of attachment towards me. I could have seen this coming from a mile away if I had any brains and could have stopped it. I was too much of a pathetic coward to come out and say I was gay, or even that we shouldn’t do this anymore. Now I Have broke one of my best friend’s hearts as well as my own. I can barely live with myself!
The last girl I liked was this one I met on a trip to Washington DC, and she was awesome... but eventually the feelings went away. Then I became sure I was gay and fell for John. I just got over him and now I have found that one girl who could be worth trying to switch back for. And that’s saying something because coming out has made me happier then I have been in years!
Tomorrow she leaves for a month and I am stuck to deal with a possibly awkward conversation with John, now that my friend’s boyfriend told him how I felt... My life is a fucking soap opera!
Hey guys. Sorry if I miss some days... my internet in my room doesn’t work well so sometimes I don’t have enough connection to post, like last night. I don’t like to use the family computer either cuz I don’t want my parents finding my URL even though they found out I have a blog…
Yesterday was a very enjoyable day of school. Afterschool I went over to a friend’s house like usual and played Sims 3 and we had fun. We then had a good time making fun of my friend because we found out her boyfriend had given it to her in the ass… then they pointed out I was gay and we laughed our assed off. Then my friend’s boyfriend kept asking me who I would ‘do’ and then he asked if I would do John so, not thinking, I said yes. He then calls up John who is at a swim team party and is like, “Anton wants to bone you” and hangs up! I am desperately hoping this doesn’t cause any drama, and I am guessing John will think he was kidding or something. Hopefully.
So yeah, here are my philosophical thoughts I had earlier: I realized today, with the help of a friend, that emotions drive thoughts, thoughts drive emotions and both drive actions. We are all just metaphorical tightrope walkers and we are performing a balancing act and if we let either side (of emotions or thoughts) slip, the other is in danger of slipping too, and once you fall you could end up in a world of bad actions, bad habits and general trouble. I know how hard it can be to get back on that tightrope and how much it hurts to fall.
Thanks for the great responses on the post Thursday post! It helped me to give in and tell more people I KNOW about the blog, which is a big step because some of the stuff on here is stuff I wouldn’t tell them normally.
I added a ton of new blogs on the side bar so check them out! (and if you are one of the blog owners and don’t want it up there let me know so I can remove it). I got most of the new ones off of http://btmyb.blogspot.com/ who btw has a great poem on his second blog: http://btmyb.wordpress.com/2009/12/02/forgiveness-work-in-progress/
Love you guys! If there is anything I can do for you, let me know! ~Anton
Trust. Its the fundamental piece of any MEANINGFUL relationship. I have a hard time trusting people and i don't trust anyone completely. Mistrust is a defense mechanism and i am afraid of being vulnerable. Afraid of people taking advantage or judging me for who i am. I also have had many accounts where trusting someone has backfired on me and i have been hurt. I have seen time after time that it is not in human nature to be trustworthy. Gossip is part of our social nature. But i still feel guilty for not trusting, because by not trusting i prevent myself from getting close to someone. Since I have come out to people at school I have done a better job at trusting people, but i am scared something bad will come of it.
Anyways... school is continuing to get better and better and i am becoming a lot more interested in other guys. I am also planning on going on a trip to Atlanta next month, and i am starting to raise money for it. Its a good way to occupy my spare time. Its with the group I went to New Orleans with in November and we do some disaster relief work. Atlanta apparently had some bad flooding and It seems like a noble way to spend a week.
So yeah... those are my thought for today. Hope life is going well for you! ~Anton
Hey! So i think i truly am getting over John. I noticed a difference in how i felt around him even from yesterday. My goal is to be over him by the end of the week. Hence the song...
But if anyone is wondering more about where my obsessing over John came from, here it is: Shortly after I realized i was GAY and not bi and came out to my friends we all hung out one night are were putting on henna and just chillin. After my friends parents left we decided to play truth or dare and things were going pretty normal. Then they decided to test if i really was gay, so every time it was Johns or my turn they would have us do stuff with each other; although it never got to be more then making out and lap dances. =/ I had had a crush on John Since school started, but after that night my mind basically out of control and I had fallen for him... stupid, right?!?! Then things got worse after that as i dwelled on it more and more... but i think thats ended, thank god! I think i had such an over-the-top reaction to my liking him because he was the first guy i had a full gay crush on and the 1st guy i ever kissed. I think I may have even LOVED him. And this all happened a day or two after i came out to them too... and he's SUPER cute! So yeah, thats the stupidity behind it all...
Oh, and Jaykodot had to shut down because of some legal problems. =( Thats now 2 of my favorite blogs gone this week! Sorry to see you guys go, hope everything works out for you!
Hi guys! Sorry I missed you yesterday but NOTHING happened!
Today school started again. First day of my LAST semester!!! I still haven’t accepted it yet. Growing up and getting responsibilities sounds very unappealing to me, I have decided I’d like to stay in high school! Other than me being in denial and scared, I think it’s gonna be a great semester! I have good classes with a lot of friends in them, I get out at 12:35 and I have lunch with all my friends. School life is gonna be good this semester!
BTW, i sat John today at lunch and didn't feel anything NEARLY as strong for him as i din before break! I'm making real progress in getting over him!
I have also made a decision to be a self employed tutor and also sell jewelry with some of my friends. This eliminates my major deterrent to drugs (drug tests at work) so idk...
So, tonight I am doing a competition with one of my friends in Florida. We are seeing which one of us can stay up the longest... yes; I know I’m an idiot! I am already tired, which is very uncharacteristic of me, but she said she only had 3 hours of sleep so... =) we also decided to not use caffeine or anything and idk if she will honor that rule but I will do my best to. Hopefully it won’t last anymore then one night! The longest I stayed up at once was 56 hours, but I was really occupied and stuff, so we'll see how it goes tonight. Of course we have tried to do this about 4 times before and things keep coming up so we postpone it, so it may not (hopefully won't)happen tonight.
Whats up!? So its 1 o'clock and im reallllly hyper and just spent 3 hours downloading a ton of music to my iPod and now im just sitting around listening to it. Had a great time with my friends at the mall and got some cute clothes from Aero. =) And i also kinda flirted with a really cute boy there, It was fun. God i need to find someone haha =/
I also had the opportunity to reconnect with a really cool friend on facebook that i haven't had a good conversation with in a long tome. Tomorrow one of my really cool friends is getting back in the country and i have REALLY missed texting her!
Here are some of my new years resolutions I've come up with so far: -be more confident -be more compassionate -get a job -find a god damn boy friend!!! but im sure i will come up with more.
I am trying to decide if i should come out to my really christian neighbors. I think they deserve to know, but idk if they will be all judgmental. I wasn't even considering it, but it turns out they know John and like him, so idk... i'm sure they will find out eventually anyways.
I have also thought a lot about drugs/alcohol lately. So far i have been a relatively good kid. i only did a little drinking a few times, and the worst of it was in Thailand but my parents were there to supervise me, and I've never done pot or anything. i dont really want much to do with alcohol at the moment considering my parents history with it, but i keep finding myself more and more curious about pot. I think the only reason i haven't done it yet is cuz i was looking for a job and i didn't want them to detect it in a drug test or anything. I still dont know if i will soon cuz sometimes my will-power completely falters and i give into impulses. I promise to try not to, but... idk.
That's kinda it for now... i just killed a scary spider. i hate spiders. New Mexico has TONS of black widows. dont come here.
Tell ppl about me! or dont. whatever. Sorry for all this craziness, but like i said im really hyper.
Heyyy. Not much happened today besides my flight home getting delayed. Things seem to be ok here, but idk yet. I have officially started a book on my own free will (something i haven't done in ages) and its pretty good. I know one of the authors moms and i got a signed copy, which was pretty cool. Its called Beautiful Creatures and its supposed to be the new Twilight... but i actually enjoy reading this unlike that travesty of a book.
I have a profile now on http://www.formspring.me/Antonhawk so go ask me some anonymous questions on it...
Also one of my very favorite bloggers ,Joey, decided to take a (possibly permanent) break from blogging, which made me sad but i wish him lots of happiness in his choice.
Tomorrow i will give you something more interesting to read then this, but im reallllly tired. Hope you all had a good New Years Day. ~Anton
Tips Menjaga Kesehatan Kulit Wajah Wanita
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6 Ways to Make Your Life Better Today
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started seeing dad again after xmas. just on saturdays for coffee and
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injuries
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You selfish, childish, horrible people.
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100
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thank you my friend
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