The past 20 hours have been the craziest and worst ever. Everything has changed... again. I thought I knew who I was, I thought I knew what I felt, I thought I knew what I wanted. My life is falling into ruins and it’s not even related to that thing I fear might happen tomorrow with John that I mentioned yesterday.
Last night one of my very best friends (who I hadn’t come out to yet) was texting me about some of my crushes and guessing who I currently liked. I wouldn’t tell her and she eventually asked me if I was gay. I said yes. After not responding for a while she replied and told me that she had fallen love with me. The thing is... i used to really like her, and after visiting with her in Utah over Christmas, i started to wonder if there was still something there. I’m still pretty sure I’m gay... but if ever there was one I would try to go back for, it’s her. I love her... it’s just a question if it’s possible for me to love her in a romantic way. She also leaves on a month long trip to Costa Rica tomorrow, and I will barely get to hear from her. We talked a little tonight and tried to get some sort of closure... but neither of us knew what to say.
Here is the part that will probably make you lose all respect for me. First she’s 3 1/2 years younger than me... I know! Creeper status! Also, for the past, idk, 8 months or so we have been texting a lot. Just for fun we do this stupid flirty stuff and whatever... so now I’m thinking that this could have given her a false sense of attachment towards me. I could have seen this coming from a mile away if I had any brains and could have stopped it. I was too much of a pathetic coward to come out and say I was gay, or even that we shouldn’t do this anymore. Now I Have broke one of my best friend’s hearts as well as my own. I can barely live with myself!
The last girl I liked was this one I met on a trip to Washington DC, and she was awesome... but eventually the feelings went away. Then I became sure I was gay and fell for John. I just got over him and now I have found that one girl who could be worth trying to switch back for. And that’s saying something because coming out has made me happier then I have been in years!
Tomorrow she leaves for a month and I am stuck to deal with a possibly awkward conversation with John, now that my friend’s boyfriend told him how I felt...
My life is a fucking soap opera!
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