Sunday, January 10, 2010

Yepp... The Sky Fell.

The past 20 hours have been the craziest and worst ever. Everything has changed... again. I thought I knew who I was, I thought I knew what I felt, I thought I knew what I wanted. My life is falling into ruins and it’s not even related to that thing I fear might happen tomorrow with John that I mentioned yesterday.

Last night one of my very best friends (who I hadn’t come out to yet) was texting me about some of my crushes and guessing who I currently liked. I wouldn’t tell her and she eventually asked me if I was gay. I said yes. After not responding for a while she replied and told me that she had fallen love with me. The thing is... i used to really like her, and after visiting with her in Utah over Christmas, i started to wonder if there was still something there. I’m still pretty sure I’m gay... but if ever there was one I would try to go back for, it’s her. I love her... it’s just a question if it’s possible for me to love her in a romantic way. She also leaves on a month long trip to Costa Rica tomorrow, and I will barely get to hear from her. We talked a little tonight and tried to get some sort of closure... but neither of us knew what to say.

Here is the part that will probably make you lose all respect for me. First she’s 3 1/2 years younger than me... I know! Creeper status! Also, for the past, idk, 8 months or so we have been texting a lot. Just for fun we do this stupid flirty stuff and whatever... so now I’m thinking that this could have given her a false sense of attachment towards me. I could have seen this coming from a mile away if I had any brains and could have stopped it. I was too much of a pathetic coward to come out and say I was gay, or even that we shouldn’t do this anymore. Now I Have broke one of my best friend’s hearts as well as my own. I can barely live with myself!

The last girl I liked was this one I met on a trip to Washington DC, and she was awesome... but eventually the feelings went away. Then I became sure I was gay and fell for John. I just got over him and now I have found that one girl who could be worth trying to switch back for. And that’s saying something because coming out has made me happier then I have been in years!

Tomorrow she leaves for a month and I am stuck to deal with a possibly awkward conversation with John, now that my friend’s boyfriend told him how I felt...
My life is a fucking soap opera!


  1. Hey Chicken little ... you got email.... and hang in there. You will so get threw this. Stop beating your self up .... Lee

  2. It'll all be okay buddy!!! Not coming out to everyone doesn't make you a coward. Society hates gays for some ignorant ass reason, so it's all kosher. As far as women go, it'll be easier to just stay gay. You'll NEVER understand women, it's like a rule of the universe. Just because you may or my not have feelings for her, you're still you. People never change, we just have to constantly update how we define them. If she's as good of as friend as you said, then everything will work out. It may take her awhile to redefine you, but I'm sure she'll keep in touch. Keep your chin up, and if life gives you limes, ask it where the hell it keeps the corona.


  3. I know its hard. but with some help youll be somewhat ok. i mean its life right, it will be great and it will be horriable. Your friends are here for you. When something happens like this just get through it without hurting yourself or other people too bad. as you know what I say whats the point of life it was just an accident. well thats all i have to say for now but im here for you. bye

  4. Just because you haven't done some big global coming out thing doesn't mean you're a coward, there's no set rules for this and all you can do is trust your instincts.

    If this girl is a friend first then it shall sort itself out in time, hope it does. Take care of yourself.


  5. I hope you feel better soon, drama is never needed nor wanted in life but it gets to you, so you have to be strong to face it, still you´re not going to face it alone, you´ve got people that care for you, like me.

    It´s not your fault she has fallen for you, if anything you should be flattered that a girl as special as her would consider you as good friend, in fact I bet you´re a better friend to her now than you ever were, believe me, girls need a non-sexually threatening friend in their lives. Besides you can´t make anyone else happy if you don´t make yourself happy first. Sorry you have so many problems at hand and I you feel better soon, I send you a huge hug.


  6. Thanks guys... you really help keep my mind clear. After reading these i have so many more good thoughts going through my head then before which keeps me grounded. It keeps the irrational emouions at bay. Just knowing some people care helps A LOT. I think the situation with my friend worked itself out in the best way possible for the moment... now on to the next great drama! *sigh*