Monday, January 25, 2010

Thoughts on Suicide...

Hey. I’m really sorry my posting has been irregular lately. I have continued to be busy and my internet has been abnormally uncooperative.

One thing that been on my mind a lot lately has been suicide. Don’t worry, it’s not like I’m contemplating it or anything…
One of my best friend’s-love interests-good friends (I know… it’s complicated) killed himself earlier in the week. My friend is pretty shaken up about it.

Anyways, it got me thinking about suicide. I have considered some of the reasons behind it and how it can often times be reasonable if you really have no happiness and don’t see any in the future. Other times it is a foolish, uncalculated decision that just damages hundreds of people. I have never met this kid who died and only saw his friend once, but it has still had an impact on my life. Death is far-reaching. Although I’m not opposed to it in all cases, I think probably 9 times out of 10 suicide is a selfish decision that people wouldn’t make if they were thinking reasonably.

About 4-6 years ago I was very suicidal. I lived in a small redneck city that I hated; I didn’t have any good friends, besides my girl friend, who ended up moving far away. I also had the biggest problems at home that I have ever had. After I got home from a particularly bad day, I went into my parents drug-cabinet and grabbed a handful of the first pills I saw with a warning on the bottle. I went into my room and lined them all up and just stared at them for a long time. I eventually decided I wasn’t ‘brave enough’ to OD on them. I left them there for another week or so and looked at them every day considering swallowing them all. Until one day I got a call from this girlfriend, that I had broken up with on account of us not wanting to do a long distance relationship, and we talked for a long time and I found enough reasons to not die, at least for the moment. I probably owe my life to that conversation, and although we have fallen out of contact for the past several years, I still think about that incident a lot.

I haven’t had any thoughts nearly that bad since then, and whenever I have a suicidal thought now it’s usually gone in about an hour. Suicide isn’t a good thing except in veeeery rare cases, so if any of you ever consider it please try to come to your senses and think reasonably or talk to someone.


  1. O.K. Anton you made me scare the shit out of myself. Dude I came really to close when I was your age ... really to close .. not a day goes by. That I am glad I didn't make it ... you said it very well, your not thinking right ... I got the help I needed , and when on. I am not ashamed at all. Best failure I did... I was force to get help. It is much easy seeking it out on your own... just saying for other readers . Sorry man you having to deal with someone that made it . Really glad you. I am really fucking glad you didn't swallow those pills! I for one am glad to cross paths with you . Hang strong man, be there for you friend which I know you are , trust me death not the worst thing that happens from trying to kill yourself. Living though damage you cause can't be worst than living, and the people you leave behind wishing and wandering what could of been.

    Love Lee

  2. I about freaked out too Lee. A, I can't say I've ever been that close, but everyone thinks about it. It's human nature. What follows is my thoughts on the subject. I don't direct them at you, or anyone else. If you find them insensitive, I apologize, but I too have lost people to suicide. I mean nothing deragatory to the memory of those you may have lost as well.

    When I was 15, I lost my mother in a car accident. It was one of the worst times in my life, and it is something that still effects me to this day. Did suicide cross my mind? Of course. Did I act on those thoughts, obviously not. Suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a temporary problem. I think everyone takes too much stuff for granted. Agree with all the politics or not, we live in one of the best places in the world. People all over the world are living in huts, dying of disease, and we sit here in our houses with central air, and bitch about how bad we have it when out girlfriend leaves us.

    I think House put it best, "Dying is easy, it's living thats hard". Every single thing that happens to you, no matter now terrible or mundane, makes you into the person you are. I would not be the person I am today if it weren't for my Mom's accident. Who know where I'd be, or what I would be doing. You only get one chance at life, why waste it for something so silly??


  3. What you said is really really stupid. In Rent Boys you asked me to come and talk to you about my problems. I got here and i read what you said about killing yourself and i think what you said is really really stupid. How can you help me if you don't know what to do. I remembered when my grandpa died and how everyone missed him. Don't you think people will really miss you if you died? I think they will. Maybe i am still to young to know why someone wants to do that, I know my mom and dad loves me and all my other grandparents do and all my aunts and uncles and friends do to. I know they would really miss me if i did that. I think i am gay to. If everyone found out and just started to pick on me and beat me up and all that i still not going to kill myself. To many people will miss me that do love me. I am sorry i just don't understand why people do that. Just like the 2 other people said here you can't come back when you do that. Also it seems to me when you do that that you let the other people that don't like you win at making you think you are not worth anything. Everybody is worth living. You might be a very important person someday and if you kill yourself you wont be. I told my uncle one time that i should just kill myself because i couldn't do something. it was just something i said, i didn't want kill myself but he grabbed my arm and told me about being a very important person someday. He said if i killed myself i could ruin the world. He said i might grow up to be a president, or famous acter or singer. Or someone that did something that helped thousands of people. He said if i killed myself then it would not happen. I told him i just said it cause i was mad. he said thats how it all starts you say it. So don't say it no more and don't think it no more then it wont happen. Please don't think that no more. JJ from rent boys

  4. That's one of the scariest titles I've seen for a long time, Anton. I was really worried there. I can understand what you're saying though, I had suicidal thoughts when I was 12 and being abused, they happened a few other times in my life as well finally doing an overdose at 18.

    To me suicide isn't cowardice as some know-it-alls think, but it is a way of admitting that they (whoever they are) have won. I for one am far too bloody minded to ever let anyone push me that far again and I hope that you'll find that bloody mindedness in your own way. There are always going to be dark days, trust me I know, but you are far too precious to rob the world of you.

    Take Care

  5. Okay I actually spent the afternoon reading your blog from start to finish, very interesting btw,you seem to have a very good head on your shoulders...from personal experience suicide is never the answer, cause if you don't succeed you will stir up a whole new mess of problems( not saying anyone should do it in the first place...I would also never condone nor condemn the use of recreational drugs(yet I found there were more fun ones than pot)...and last Relationship will come and go in everyone's life but life goes on...(And remember True Love knows no boundaries of any kind gay/straight, white/black, male/female...never Question your feelings...Also I loved Avatar too( I have seen it three(3) times...WoW, What an awesome Piece of Cinema)...

  6. Wow, JJ, give him a break. It's not easy telling things like that to strangers, that's part of opening up and sharing. Everyone has had these thoughts and you can't get over them until you deal with them. Pretending it's not there will just make it worse, because it's the real YOU coming out and that part of you will always win.

    Dealing with bad feelings and thoughts will help you learn to accept them and eventually make them go away. Just having those thoughts doesn't mean you will become those things but pretending they aren't there can get really dangerous later on.

    It's really nice that you know that you're loved by your family and friends and I hope you realize how lucky you are to have that. I'm pretty lucky too. I didn't know how much until later because I thought that's how all families are.

    There are a lot of others who aren't so lucky, and had to learn too much way too young and sometimes it can get to be too much. But it's a kind of growth too, because it's pretty rare that someone follows through and after getting over it you realize how valuable your life is to you and those who love and care about you.

    This is going too long so just don't give up, what you are going through- I saw your posts at the other place- is a natural thing. It's not easy but you will get past it. And I can tell you will learn from it. And the more you learn about yourself and how you relate with others the better it gets.

    It was really hard for me to deal with the gay stuff I felt as a kid but now I feel like one of the happiest and luckiest people alive. I was really hard, but it was totally worth it. You are well on your way to being even better.

    Take care,

  7. Wow wow, people.
    I don't think Anton here is currently contemplating suicide as some may think.
    He is talking about when he did contemplate it, and although the title may be misleading people to think he may be thinking about it, i'm sure he can confirm he is not.


  8. I should have made it clear that my response was to JJ. He reacted kind of bad to the original post and seemed a little freaked out.

    Great post Anton, believe me I can understand. I still have those feelings but not very long and never really seriously. In a way I think it's a good way to keep things in perspective- a kind of 'nuclear option'. It's there, but things would have to be really, really bad to make it happen. Life is so cool though I don't believe it will ever be necessary.

  9. Wow, lots of comments! Thanks =)
    Ok, I am sorry for scaring everyone, I am NOT suicidal now, I have no intention of killing myself and I haven’t for a looong time.

    @ Lee: Thanks for everything, I am very happy I didn’t and it is a pleasure reading your blog and your comments you leave. You are a great person.

    @ SilverShell: I definitely agree with your analysis of the world. It reminded me how truly selfish suicide is… at least for us with so much.

    @ Mac: Sorry for the scary title, and I think you are right about suicide being a way out of experiencing defeat, whatever that means for the person. For me it was admitting defeat from my parents, the city I lived in and loves wrath

    @Mathew: thank you for the advice and encouragement. The fact that you read all of my posts is flattering. Thanks!

    @ Tom: that was a well written contribution that I think helped several people, including me. Everybody needs to be loved, and sometimes it is hard to find it.

    @ Rowan: Thanks for getting my point; the title was sorta for effect because I thought it was an important post. I am fine now.

    @ JJ: I got your e-mail, and its all good. My thought about suicide were about 5 years ago when I didn’t see any hope for me, I am no longer like that. I have come to many of the realizations you have come to already, which definitely make you that much stronger then I was at your age. As far as the problems go, I know I can help with many peoples problems because I have experienced them myself. That’s why I can be a useful person to get advice from. I may not have known what I was doing, and I still may not with some things, but the experiences have given me the ability and desire to help.

  10. ANTON! Don't get dead! If you get dead I'll get dead! I love ya! =]

    Lots and lots and lots of love,