Tuesday, March 29, 2011


just in the hour or so since my last post down below, I REACHED 100 FOLLOWERS!!!!! :D
Than you all so much! I love each of you and you all mean a lot to me. Thanks!!!!

Life goes on

Well, not a ton has been going on in my live. It seems like I am kinda reverting to my antisocial, friendless existence that I used to have. Well, not really. I just haven't been seeing really any of my friends in ages. They have their own things going on or whatever... It feels like all my relationships are kinda falling apart except for a few.
The most angering is definitely the situation with Jordan. I may have talked about this before, but basically he ditched us all, except Sonia, for his boyfriend, who he just started seeing and who is moving very soon. I wouldn't have a problem if they had been in a long relationship with him, but he rushed into this thing that is obviously gonna hurt him in the end, so I have no remorse for him. He is choosing to hurt himself. The REAL issue is that he was the one who lead our efforts to kick Brittany out of the group after she chose her scum bag boyfriend over us. Jordan is just being a fucking hypocrite.
I would never leave my friends for a boy. I will always honor plans I have already made with my friends and I would never stop hanging out with them for anyone. I balance friends and romance and I don't get why other people cant fucking do that and they have to throw something good away.
Anyways, he has been all offended that we felt hurt about his betrayal and things have been pretty tense between him/Sonia and me/Sam, with Steph in the middle. I have seem him once in the past 2 1/2 weeks and that wasn't the most pleasant experience, but it was okay. And then today I saw him leaving and he gave me the coldest little wave he could. So Idk, I guess that friendship might be over, which sucks, but I guess he might come around. whatever.

Anyways, things are going okay with my boyfriend. He is sweet and treats me well and makes me happy. I don't particularly like him a TON, but we have some good times. I think the major reason I settled for him is that 1) he is cute 2) My social life is going to hell and I need someone new in my life that I can rely on seeing and 3) I kinda want a relationship, and he was there. Overall I am grateful I am in the relationship, but I also dont plan on it lasting more than a few months. Who knows, its the best thing I have going for myself at the moment. Most other aspects of my life are kinda bleh.

I am trying really hard to get all A's this semester, but I have so little motivation to study these days. I know I wont get worse than a B in any class, but A's would be nice.

So thats it for now.

Friday, March 18, 2011

The Boyfriend

So first things first, Las Cruses was a lot of fun. I had a great time with my friends and going to a couple parties. There were a few surprises down there, but over all it was a lot of fun and I dont really regret my decisions. It was a good experience to have once. The thing about me as opposed to a lot of people my age who like trying new things, is that I dont have an 'addictive' personality. I am just curious and I like knowing what things are like, but thats about the extent of it. But anyways, it was a good visit and it definitely made me happy.

So the other big news is that I have been on a few dates with this kid I met through Connexion and who also knows my friend Stephanie, and were kinda going out now. He graduated from my school in the same year, but I never new him, which isnt so weird considering we had nearly a thousand in our grade.
Anyways, his name is Bobby and he is pretty cute. He is not exactly the smartest person in the world, and I think its probably cuz he did too many drugs in high school. I honestly dont think we are built to last more than a couple months or so, but I am just bored and I really wanted something new in my life. He one of those really 'damaged' people, which I kinda have an issue with. I feel bad for everything that he has had to deal with, but I'm not a care-taking kind of person, I suck at empathy and healing people and I have little tolerance for some of the stuff he says. I prefer when I am the more damaged one, its so much easier. But there a lot about him that I like, and some things I dont like s much, so idk, its something to keep me happy for a while, and it may ending up as more than that. He does make me happy though, and thats all I care about at the moment. We'll see what happens, but I'm keeping my expectations low.

So thats about all of it.
Post again soon!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

On the brink of disaster.

So I know I haven't been posting lately, but I have been doing a good job of ignoring things I don't want to talk about and the things I am willing to talk about seem pointless to share. So this post has the potential to be very long and kinda depressing. I'm really not looking for judgement or advice or anything. I just want to vent. This is mostly just for me to sort out my thoughts than to ask for opinions on my insanity.

So pretty much the past like month or so things haven't been going so well. I have not seen too much of my friends here compared to usual. I have been panicking about my future with having a job and being alone and ever being successful or happy. And I have been having these problems with my best friend, Elsa, which has by far been the worst.
For those of you who don't know, we live 450 miles apart and most of our relationship is based on constant texting. Well, we haven't been talking as much and what we do talk about isn't as meaningful as usual. This is for a lot of reasons I guess. Shes been bust with school and various other things and I have been generally distant, and I am not even sure why I have been. She also has this thing going on that has caused her to be kinda absent for long periods of time every day or two. During those times I get way to stuck in my head and I feel alone and to an extent, jealous. I wont go into details of it out of respect for her privacy... but that has been causing me to detach for the past week or so. I fully support it and I am happy about it, I just need to get used to it.
Also, as I mentioned in my last post, my friends here and I are planning on going to Las Cruces again soon, next weekend actually. This time the plan is to try ecstasy. A few of them down there have already tried it and those of us who haven't are going to try it. But this has, to understate it, caused a lot of tension between Elsa and I. I have wanted to try it for over a year, because as I understand it, it is the most amazing feeling, and I am naturally curious, but she strongly disproves. I feel like I need to make it clear that all I want is to TRY it, not depend it for happiness. And I have done my research on it, this is an educated decision. I like feeling detached from reality for periods of time. It helps me come back and focus on what I need to do. Also I like the intimate bonds I always feel from trying things with people for the first time, like when I first drank or smoked weed. Lately I have felt like I have had nothing. All my friends have been distant, I have been as successful as ever romantically and I have greatly reduced my typical forms of being in an altered state, out of respect for Elsa's wishes. Those are kinda the things that keep me going, meaningful friend relationships, semi-meaningful romantic/sexual relationships, and an escape from reality, but I haven't had any of those for a long time, and its slowly breaking me down because I am too trapped in my self destructive mind and I have been over stressing about my future in addition. So I decided to go through with rolling in Cruces. But it is creating a lot of problems for me although I am 95% sure it will make me feel much much better. I feel selfish for wanting it, but I also feel like shes selfish for keeping me from one of the few things that will help me feel like I have anything going for me. I partially understand her reasons though, and I respect them, but if I keep going down the road I am on, it will lead to me hurting myself in much much worse ways. Its a gamble deciding to roll and I hope it works out, but I really feel like it will help me.

The past probably 2 weeks has been the longest period of time in over 5 years when I have been relatively suicidal. I would never go through with it, because I know what it would do to the people who care about me, so I would rather suffer alone than cause them all pain. Thats just way too selfish... even if its what I want a lot of the time. But I assure you, there is no reason to worry. I do plan on talking to my parents about getting me on some anti-depressants. I would like therapy, but I don't know if we can afford it, but I think anti-depressants would do me a lot of good.

So with all that said, don't worry about me, I will be fine, and before you give me a long winded comment about why I shouldn't or what a horrible person I am, I know already. Its stupid and selfish, but I need something to change.
Please refer to the 1st paragraph before you let loose on me. I don't need to feel worse than I have been.

With lots of love