Monday, December 27, 2010


Hello! so I am leaving tomorrow for Utah and I will be gone for 2 weeks. I dont know if I will post at all during that time, but I might. I have stuff set to post itself on my tumblr though.
Yesterday was nice I suppose. We went to a nice restaurant and the Bodies Exhibit for my dads birthday. Today is his actual birthday and he is currently spending it in the waiting room while my mother gets ankle surgery. 9this her like, 13th joint surgery. I went to lunch with my friend and later I am gonna go babysit my friends while they try shrooms. I'm pretty much done backing at this point, but like usual, I know there are like 5 things I'm forgetting.
Anyways, if I don't post for a while, everyone have a good New Years!!!!

Friday, December 24, 2010

T'was the night before x-mas...

hey :)
So I leave for Utah in days! I'm excited. I need a break from my life here... being in one place continually for more than a couple months doesn't really suit me.

I have been so exhausted lately and I haven't been able to get to sleep till like 3 so I end up getting up at 11 at the earliest. i hate it! I have also been feeling alone today. i want someone to just spend the whole day with but none of my friends are really what I'm looking for. I kinda want someone new.

I got all my christmas shopping done the other day and spent way more than I would have liked, but I guess I will live.

I don't plan on doing much for christmas besides lunch with my family and maybe seeing a friend or two. And Im not gonna really be grtting anything cuz I got my phone earlier. The 26th i think I'm spending the day with my parents in celebration of my dads birthday. The 27th my mom is getting ankle surgery and that will be fun. I have plans to have lunch with my friend during that, cuz I think both of need someone to talk to. My other friends are trying shrooms that day. If it wasnt for my mom getting surgery, my fear of alienating certain people I really care about and me leaving the day after for Utah, I would probably try 1/2 an ounce or so with them. But I have decided I wont. I have always been curious about them though. Even my mom recommended them. Then the 28th I am leaving and my grandma is getting in to take care of my mom. I am so happy I will totally miss her both here and in Utah.

Last night I went to see the lights at the botanical gardens with my friends. It was really beautiful!!! Today I feel like being alone. Well, not really. But given what options for people that I do have to be with, I would choose being alone.

I am hopefully read a lot over my trip to Utah. I have a lot to do there and not enough time!
Anyways, imma go on a walk now... ttyl!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Advice from the Other Side

So I have been up to quite a lot since my last post. Finals are 100% done, although I still have an essay to write. I really doubt my ability to write it though because I have a good grade in the class already and it seems like a lot of work that i reeeeally dont wanna do for 5%-10% of my whole grade. so far i know i got an 86% in one class and a 96% in another, so I am doing fine.

Me and a couple of my friends had an end of the semester party friday and it was really good cuz it was just me and a couple that im really close to. The morning after we woke up to a beautiful rain storm. We went down town and we all had a session with a psychic. As far as they go, she was very good. I dont particularly believe in it and she missed a lot of really big things, she had lots of good advice. She identified the majority of my pain and misery as my parents, she knew the best years of my life where i could truly express my creativity and skills was from 7 and back (when I was in Salt Lake City), she knew I liked history and anthropology and social sciences, she knew when i wasn't believing her and a whole bunch of other things she shouldn't have know. Also, she was like waiting for us when we went up and its almost like she was expecting us.
She told me that I need to find a better place for healing cuz I am so damaged and that I need to not be so hard on myself and I should stop telling myself I am not deserving. She said I need to stop trying to live up to peoples standards cuz that will really hurt me and that I need ways to express my creativity and skills that I have become dissociated with. When I asked her about love/romance she said I need to stop trying so hard, stop looking, and learn to love myself more first. She also said that she could clearly see one of the people I am in love with as if he was sitting next to me... and he was. Jordan was there, it was kinda awkward, but i dont think he noticed anything odd. She said my "twin flame" is current walking the earth and to not give up.
So then both Jordan and our other friend went, but for our other friend, Jordan and I went to go get coffee at the biggest hipster coffee shop in Albuquerque. By then the rain was turning to snow, which was super exciting! I plan on seeing her again, probably alone, before school starts.

After we got done with that we went to this cool metaphysical store I have been to once before and then back to Jordans. Up where we live there was much more snow, so we got all our snow gear on and went out to the golf course to play. We rolled these giant snow balls that were 3-4 feet in diameter and weighed well over 100 pounds. With them we made a fantastic, but incomplete snow fort. After that, we went sledding on some of the hills. Over all, it was a pretty amazingly fantastic day.

Yesterday I had a snow ball fight with Luis, who I saw earlier in the week too. I like being able to see him occasionally again. That evening I got together with several of my friends, most of whom live out of town or I just dont see often. We went to go see the Black Swan. It was a great movie!!!

Umm... thats about all I can think of. Oh yeah, DADT was repealed. I'm one of those few gays who didnt mind it cuz I really dont wanna be in the military ever, but yay for those who do care! I was so much more pissed that the Bush tax cuts got extended 2 years or that the dream act is going down than happy about this. Obama is a spineless failure of a president and the Senate leadership sucks and the democrats are just getting thrown around by the republicans. Its such bullshit, but whatever...
I know im missing stuff in there, and could think of more to say if my mind wasnt so foggy from allergies.
Have a good day!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Hey! so today is my 1 year anni. on blogger and it is also the 1 year anniversary of my most amazing and perfect dog passing away.

Today was my BIG day for finals. Now I only have one left tomorrow and an essay to write and I will be DONE for a whole month! I go t like 2 hours of sleep last night so I took a concerta to get me through the day, but mostly it made me dizzy and nauseous. But I am fairly certain I will pass all my classes and keep my scholarship.

My grandmother friend requested me on facebook today. It kinda took me off guard, but my mother forbade me to add her because of all the profanity i use and all my gay stuff (my grandma is mormon). Also my god mother it thinking about moving for the 2nd time in 3 years, but I doubt she will go through with it. so always goes through odd phases. But if she does it wont be more than 20 or so miles. She really gets on my nerves a lot, which i feel guilty for because I owe most of the good stuff in my life to her, but ever since her partner died she hasn't been the same.

I have some money again! I got $100 from my parents for Mickolosh, which i am sure is spelled wrong, but it is the Czech christmas basically, and we celebrate it in the forst week or two of December because I am seldom home for actual Christmas, and then I have also been selling back my text books to UNM. I am gonna try to keep up my no spending streak though.

I am really thinking about applying for a billion scholarships and grants for next year or the year after and going to a school in New England for a semester or a year. probably Boston University, because I have connections there thanks to the NSLC and it is a good school.

I have reestablished contact with all 4 of my friends that i have been growing distant with, although i dont see any of them being what they were. I also made some new friends! Both were from this online website, Stickam. One is this really cool druggie kid who is one of the most interesting people i have ever met and he is really sweet and actually smart. The other is this younger kid who just seems to be totally lost with life and is having problems, so I am just kinda there as a distraction. Im kinda lost myself while my BFF is in Brazil... but I could be worse.

So that about all the news.

I want to thank all of you for helping me out so much over the past year and I am really proud to have 87 followers!!! And of course all my phantom readers. I plan on being here at this tome next year. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

And dont forget about my tumblr and formspring links on the side!!! I need tumlbr followers and I love having questions on my formspring. And comments are always welcome on here!!! Haha, im done advertising myself now. :)

Im memoriam:

1995-Dec 14, 2009.
Shasta, the dog I will forever and always love above all others. I miss you baby!!! :'(
Haha, writing that ^ made me cry.

Thursday, December 9, 2010



So things have been quite hectic with the semester wrapping up. I finished one class today and I have 3 finals next week along with a portfolio to put together and an essay to write and a bunch of data analysis. I will be very happy when it is all over! But I have a month long break to look forward to. Today at school I got into an argument with some dumb fuck Jehovah's Witnesses about evolution and being gay. I took some of their coffee and disproved like all of their points and had a damn good time doing it.

I went ahead with the bringing my friend some booze thing and it went well. We had a nice day together and she really enjoyed it. I'm not sure what her plans with her BF are at this point. The same day my other friend from my normal group that my stupid friend gave up for her BF asked us both to come and help her with a test. It was the 1st time we have all been together since August. It was kinda awkward but nice at the same time. I dont know what the future holds in that respect.

Yesterday I was planning on hanging out with Jordan but he decided to go on a date with this one guy later in the day, and then had the nerve to text me about how great he was which was fucking annoying. i am debating if I plan on spending any time with him and my other friends this weekend. So after that let down I went to the queer straight alliance at UNM which was fucking boring cuz there are now only like 30 or so people that go now, compared to the 100+ at the beginning of the semester and all the ones left are so god damn annoying!!! But I didnt wanna go home and I though I might find someone of interest, but no such luck There was a white elephant gift exchange though. I got a Princess sash, 5 condoms and some yummy chocolate. They also had elections, so hopefully now there will be some better stuff going on at the meetings.

I TALKED TO LUIS FOR LIKE 2 WHOLE MINUTES TODAY! haha, its been since August since I talked to him... He is still quite adorable, but I need to hang out with him some more... bleh.

i have decided I am going to ask this kid I met on connexion who lives in Utah on a date while I am there this break. I totally expect him to say no, but just asking is a step for me.

Thats about it.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Reoccurring Insanity

A week and a half until finals. I dont know where this first semester of college went. I have a lot to do before it is over.

The bulk of the week was relatively uneventful. Early on I got an Android smart phone and I love it. Thursday there was a cool local business-craft fair thing at UNM and I got a really really cool necklace thingy. I decided that besides food and christmas presents I am not allowing myself to buy anything else till a make at least $200, from either my christmas money or from the job I intend on getting in spring.

Yesterday we had a mud hut party though. I haden't been drunk in almost 5 weeks, so i enjoyed drinking a bit. I tried a little spice in addition to the booze and the effect was amazing! Jordan came over about 4 or 5 hours before everyone else and I helped give him a Mohawk. Then we went down to Central (main street Albuquerque) and went to the Flying Star (best restaurants in New Mexico). He also invited this one guy he was supposed to go on a date with to meet us there which kinda annoyed me, but I also wanted to meet him, but he didn't come. There was also a cute waiter there and Jordan almost asked for his number, but I convinced him not to by pointing out all of his flaws so Jordan lost interest... cuz I'm awesome like that!

We then went to Urban Outfitters and ran into Jordan's adorable little hipster-indie lesbian friend and hung out with her for an hour or so... she was really awesome! Jordan annoyed my by referring to me as his date twice while we were with her... He was definitely taunting me with what I cant have, Then we waited around for Jordan's ex-best friends douchey boyfriend to get off work so we could buy ADHD meds from him that are a miracle for studying and paying attention. Then we headed back to my house and met up with our other friends.

I need to get my wisdom teeth out soon too. I'm like a yearish late getting around to it and my piece of shit mom was supposed to get me into the dentist for a consult in november, but that didnt happen and now i wont have time between now and when I go to Utah.

My sleep pattern has been really fucked up lately. I have been alternating between sleeping 3-4 hours and then sleeping 11-12 hours. I HATE it! I have also been having lots of bad dreams. There was that one about my dad drinking again, then there was one where Jordan fell in love with me and I was happy... until I woke up. And then there was an odd one where Kyle (you may remember him as a friend my group had in the spring) came back into the group. I also have been feeling really really fat lately, and I cant think of any healthy ways to solve this problem that I have the motivation for....

I have almost seen Luis a couple times this past week, but I have yet to hang out with him. IDK if I like him or Jordan more, all I know is I dont have a chance with either of them, and Im thankful I'm not as obsessed with them as I was with John. I want them equally as bad though.

I am planning on giving some alcohol to my friend who left the group because she didnt wanna do 'bad things' anymore. Since her boyfriend made her decide that she has been absolutely miserable cuz she has no friends and she wants to smoke and drink again. Not only did her emotionally abusive boy friend make her give up things she likes, but he continues to chew tobacco. So I have decided im going to get her just slightly buzzed, then she will tell her BF and he will get all pissy and hopefully it will expedite their imminent break up. I want him to lose the thing that means most to him cuz he is such an ass, she deserves to be totally alone for what she did to all of us. Then hopefully in a month or so we can maybe even accept her back into the group cautiously, but without the source of her corruption, she could maybe be our friend again. Yes, I am aware I'm an awful selfish person.

So I guess thats about all it.
Loves yas

Saturday, November 27, 2010


Today has been lonely. Yes, I spent last night with friends and yes I have been talking to people for most of the day, but it has still been fucking lonely. I have been missing everyone. Old friends, friends from other states, my best friend, Jordan who's in Texas, Sonia who is behind on school work from being sick, Steph who has been working her ass of to support herself because her father wont help out his lesbian daughter, Luis, my godmother, how people were before they changed, people I have made up in my own insane head and now Bri and Jess, who I said goodbye to yet again today. The faces of my past and even those of my present are haunting me. To what I can attribute this, I have no idea.
Besides this I have been better than miserable, even happy at some points. One of the people I miss came back in my life today when she text me, although nothing will ever be the same again.

Black friday shopping was enjoyable and I spent very little money, and what I did spend, i spent on movies I really wanted. I am kinda broke though and I'm considering another job. And I have to do X-mas shopping for my friends... bleh.

I just got back from seeing Inception for the 2nd time with my dad and our neighbor. I dont know what the fuck possessed me to do such, because I hate spending time with my father, and our neighbor annoys me when he gets together with my dad. I have also come to the conclusion that my prior assertions that I wont cry at my fathers funeral, were false. I now believe that there will be tears in my eyes when that man dies. Tears of joy. Every second I am in his presence shreds the very fabric of my soul. Sober or not, I hate the man.

I briefly saw Luis in parson today, I didnt talk to him, but I did at least get to confirm that he is not just a figment of my imagination. Unless of course my frustration with not seeing him for months has driven me to hallucinations. I had a brief exchange with his brother though... nothing exciting. I am curious to what they have heard about me from other sources. I'm sure somebody in the world has outted me to them. They are some of the last people to know. I would have told them if I ever saw them anymore. And they are friendly with John, so I am curious to see how badly he has been dragging my name through the mud.

So here are some things of more artistic value than my ramblings. I feel like these songs apply to an extent in some aspects of my life, and I'm not exactly sure why i wrote the other thing, but there it is.

We hunt for peace within ourselves and seek out love where ever else. I fight for you, but to no avail. Without your touch, my happiness will cease, and my will to live flies away like a flock of wild geese. I crave your heart, but should that fail, i'll accept my place within this hell.

I like the last part of this song a lot.

January would be more accurate. I miss January. But I <3 Taylor!


What is your biggest regret of the past year? What would you say is your biggest accomplishment? What will your new year's resolution be? (I know, it's early for this but I wanted to ask before I forgot)

Biggest Regret(s): Falling outs with Kyle, Brit, IttyK and IttyK's sister, Taking John to prom, *that* party, Not having a boy friend, Ben, I could list quite a lot here, but those are the main ones

Biggest Accomplishment(s): Continuing to come out of my shell, making new friends, graduating, starting college and getting a job.

New Years Resolution(s): Continue becoming a person i like better than the old me.Nothing really specific though...

Ask me anything

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

Or... as I posted on facebook: "Happy steroid-injected, overly processed, genetically modified, unethically raised, cross contaminated turkey day that signifies the relationship we had with the native people 400 years ago that ended in a genocide and continues to produce social problems."
Haha, cuz I clearly always look on the bright side of things! Anyways, today has been relaxing. I have been hanging out a lot, and very late with my friends so I'm happy to have a down day. Jordan isn;t her for thanks giving and I hate not having him here, seeing as hes one of those 3 irreplaceable people in my life, and this is just a taste of what it will be like when he leaves in a few months for Texas... Whish will be really hard on me and Sonia.

Tomorrow I am gonna do a bit of Black Friday shopping, but I'm limiting myself to $50, which will be difficult for me.

I have been thinking about getting snake bites (lip piercings) for a while. I would just have 2 small studs on each side, and now my friends are trying to force me to get them, and even talked to the person who might do it about getting it done, but I havent decided 100% yet if i want them. I'd prefer my tattoo, but I'm waiting for some more money for that...

I have been some what of an emotional wreck when I am alone lately, except for today, and I have these sudden onsets of misery and its really no fun.
In other news, 5 must see movies I have watched recently:
1. Harry Potter 7 (duh)
2. Girl, Interrupted
3. Howl's Moving Castle
4. Spirited Away
5. Hard Candy

I have considered switching my major to pharmaceutics. Pharmacists make so much money, and they dont have an incredibly hard job. Its more chemistry than I would like, but I think it might pay off in the end.

Anyways, I gotta go do stuff with my neighbors now. They are coming over for Thanksgiving desert. I really wish Luis was among the neighbors coming over. I miss seeing him a lot.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

High School Reruns?

Hello! So today was my last day of school for the week, Yay Thanksgiving break!! My red hair has kinda turned pink and I like it quite a bit :) I saw Harry Potter and it was AMAZING!!! I cried twice during it :P
3 of my friends who moved away for college are back in town and we all hung out last night. It felt exactly like the old days in high school!!! I miss it and I miss them, Its gonna be a fun week with them visiting.
I'm kinda in a rush, so I'm not really going into depth on anything... haha.
I'll post more detail soon

Friday, November 19, 2010


I got a haircut today.... I got these certificates for $50 at this place last month and decided to use one today. I had this funny gay hair dresser and had some interesting conversations with him. It was a better price than my usual place, $75 ($25 with my certificate) and it took my average 3 hours... I really changed my look though! I like it.

so... yeah :)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I failed...

Start at 100% and subtract 1% for everything you’ve done.
1. Smoked.
2. Drank alcohol.
3. Cried when someone died.
4. Been drunk.
5. Had sex.
7. Been to a concert.
7. gotten/given a handjob.
8. gotten/given a blowjob.
9. Been verbally/sexually harassed.
10. Verbally/sexually harassed somebody.
11. Felt someone up and/or been felt up.
12. Laughed so hard something came out of your nose.
13. Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
14. Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.
15. Been to prom.
16. Cried at school.
17. Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store.
18. Went streaking.
19. Given or receieved a lap dance.
20. Had someone of the opposite sex in your room.
21. Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.
22. Slept over at someone of the opposite sex’s house.
23. Kissed a stranger.
24. Hugged a stranger.
25. Went scuba diving.
26. Driven a car.
27. Gotten an x-ray.
28. Hit by a car.
29. Had a party.
30. Done serious drugs.
31. Played strip poker/darts.
32. Got paid to strip for someone.
33. Run away from home.
34. Broken a bone.
35. Eaten sushi.
36. Bought porn.
37. Watched porn.
38. Made porn.
39. Had a crush on someone of the same sex.
40. Been in love.
41. French kissed.
42. Laughed so hard you cried.
43. Cried yourself to sleep.
44. Laughed yourself to sleep.
45. Stabbed yourself.
46. Shot a gun.
47. Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day.
48. Been online for 9 consecutive hours.
49. Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.
50. Watched an animal die.
51. Watched a person die
52. Kissed and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person present.
53. Pranked somebody
54. Put somebody in the hospital.
55. Snuck into someones room and/or your own room after being out.
56. Kissed somebody of the same sex.
57. Dressed punk.
58. Dressed goth.
59. Dressed preppy.
60. Been to a motocross race.
61. Avoided somebody.
62. Been stalked.
63. Stalked someone.
64. Met a celebrity.
65. Played an instrument.
66. Ridden a horse.
67. Cut yourself.
68. Bungee jumped.
69. Ding dong ditched somebody.
70. Been to a wild party.
71. Got caught stealing something.
72. Kicked/punched a guy in the balls.
73. Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.
74. Gone out with your friends crush.
75. Got arrested.
76. Been pregnant.
77. Babysat.
78. Been to another country.
79. Started your house on fire.
80. Had an encounter with a ghost.
81. Donated your hair to cancer patients.
82. Been asked out by someone that you never thought you’d be asked out by.
83. Cried over a member of the opposite sex.
84. Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over or 3 months.
85. Sat on your butt all day.
86. Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.
87. Had a job.
88. Gotten cut from a sports team.
89. Been called a whore.
90. Danced like a whore
91. Been mistaken for a celebrity.
92. Been in a car accident.
93. Been told you have beautiful eyes.
94. Been told you have beautiful hair.
95. Raped somebody.
96. Danced in the rain.
97. Been rejected.
98. Walked out of a restaurant without paying.
99. Punched someone/slapped someone in the face.
100. Been raped.
Total: 33%

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The boy, The girl, the end. (A 'borrowed' story)

As the story goes: They were the only ones who could make each other feel that way. She was beautiful and could have whoever she wanted. She chose him. He offered her everything, and could never stand to see her sad. His smile would light up her life. He was a brilliant student, and recieved a job offer from one of the highest after only a year in the academy. He was the best of the best, and she was right behind. But it was that man who pulled him up. The man whose touch turned everything dark. The man who never cared about anything except being on top. The boy accepted the dark man's request, but not for himself. It was always for her. He wished to make the world better. A world where he would never have to see her tears again. He knew she would have to hate him for his path, but he was willing to give it up. He promised himself he'd return to her. He knew she would forgive him once he explained everything. Even if he hated that man, he would keep her in mind. That man's course was the one he had to take for her. He went along with everything the man told him to do. When the time came, he ordered the one beneathe him to attack her, but not to kill her. He knew she would never forgive him until he could see her again. She didn't understand. She had done everything he'd ever wanted. Now it seemed as though he had betrayed her. Why would he do such a thing? Had he never loved her? Had every word he'd spoken been a lie? Her heart was broken, but she carried on. She could not let herself fall. She thought that if she could talk to him, she could bring him back. When the moment was right, she tried. He pushed her back. He didn't want her to get hurt by that terrible man. He knew that if she tried to help him, the man would hurt her. He wouldn't let her get hurt. She could never understand it. She didn't understand until the end. Until it was too late. She would have been able to bring him back, she thought. She knew. She would have been able to, but he had never left. He'd always been with her. And in the end he tried to rebel against that man. He saw that if he let the man go on, she would end up dead. He couldn't let that happen. He tried to steal the man's powers, and he thought he did. But then the man returned. The man returned, and he left. He was gone. She saw all of this, and went to his side. His eyes had finally opened, and then they had closed again. He didn't see her tears, but they came. He wanted to tell her why he had hurt her, but he couldn't. He didn't have to. She already knew. She knew that the last years she had hated him for nothing. He was doing it for her. He wouldn't want her to be sad now, but she couldn't help it. He was gone. The boy who had given her everything, the boy she had given everything too, the boy who had been the only one for her, the boy that she had been the only one for. He was everything to her. Now everything was gone.
Their fairytale never had a happy ending. It was never meant to.
That man destroyed it all.

Personal annotations/additions: At times the ferocity and anger of the girl against what the man was doing were so great that the man feared that if she ever caught him, she could have destroyed him out of pure hatred combined with the love she had for the boy.
No matter how much the boy tried to protect her in his fight against the man, he seemed to have caused her irrevocable harm. Perhaps more than even the man himself could have caused. What would have happened if he had never resisted? Would he still be her everything? Would she still be his? Would she still be utterly whole, not the damaged being the battle between the boy and the man left her as? Would all things in the world still be as they were meant to be? Would mistakes be unmade? Who was this man even? Was he really that bad? Or just cause harm with no intentions of such? Alas, neither the boy nor the girl will ever get these answers, because the man DID destroy it all.

This story brought tears to my eyes. I dont know if it was the magnificence of how it was written, the genuine emotion put into, how accurate it is or how personal it is, but it is honestly one of the most moving stories I have yet come across. It definitely puts things in perspective and indicated that fixes were possible.

Thank you.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Today I had coffee with a friend and had a good conversation. I haven't had an opportunity to talk about recent things in my life with anyone for a while, so it was enjoyable, and doing such helps me put things in perspective. I was supposed to go to a drag show at UNM tonight, but everyone I was interested in was busy.

Its been a failry relaxing weekend though... I need to do homework thugh. :(

I was compelled earlier to go through some old e-mails from some friends. I've said it before, but NOSTALGIA SUCKS! Anyways, these are from Aug/Sept, 2009, about 6 months before things with some people really started falling apart..

A: ,('o'),
C: cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute
A: i know! right?
C: not you, the face!
A: its a fish, not a face, and yes me too
C: how the hell is that a fish? and no you aren't
C: okayyyyy... And no you aren't, unless you are comparing your self to, say, Michael Jackson.
A: well, hagrid is sexy compared to you!!!
C: ooooh buuuuuurn....
A: no, true......
C: what?
A: nm...
C: you are weird! i hate you! go to hell!
A: ok, see u there!!!! =D
C: kaleidescopes!
A: omfg! yesssss!
C: love em!
A: and sneekoscopes r cool too!
C: hahaha yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup
A: yay!

I have lost 4, once very important, relationships in the past few months, and I certainly miss them, but I'm not sure if they will ever be meaningful again, or even if I want (at least 2 of them) to be reestablished. Its definitely a price paid from growing older and the different paths everyone chooses. At least I have 5 very good friends as of now. We'll see what happens with these 4 though... Hopefully I'll know about 2 after Thanksgiving and the other 2 after new years.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Rate My Life?

This is all from a website that I took this quiz on today...

This Is My Life, Rated
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Your Life Analysis:

Life: Your life rating is a score of the sum total of your life, and accounts for how satisfied, successful, balanced, capable, valuable, and happy you are. The quiz attempts to put a number on the summation of all of these things, based on your answers. Your life score is on the low end. Making key changes to different aspects of your life will bring you greater fulfillment. Do not be discouraged. Seek help outside yourself if need be. There is always time to change, and change will bring many rewards.

Mind: Your mind rating is a score of your mind's clarity, ability, and health. Higher scores indicate an advancement in knowledge, clear and capable thinking, high mental health, and pure thought free of interference. Your mind score is rather low, which means that your mental state is not in tune. Learn to filter out the noise of everyday life. Unplug, relax, read a good book. Take up a new area of study. Simplify and focus your mental energy and your mind function will improve.

Body: Your body rating measures your body's health, fitness, and general wellness. A healthy body contributes to a happy life, however many of us are lacking in this area. Your body score is fairly average, which means there is room for improvement. Keep a focus on your physical health. Protect your body as it is your most valuable physical asset. Nutrition, stress reduction, and exercise are key.

Spirit: Your spirit rating seeks to capture in a number that elusive quality which is found in your faith, your attitude, and your philosophy on life. A higher score indicates a greater sense of inner peace and balance. You seem to be lacking in spirit. Improve your score by refining your beliefs and searching for answers to philosophical questions. Consider new belief systems if your current beliefs are not rewarding you.

Friends/Family: Your friends and family rating measures your relationships with those around you, and is based on how large, healthy, and dependable your social network is. Your friends and family score suffers, yet it does not need to be this way. Strengthen your social network by reaffirming old bonds. Seek out new friendships, and they will provide you the reward you need.

Love: Your love rating is a measure of your current romantic situation. Sharing your heart with another person is one of life's most glorious, terrifying, rewarding experiences. Your love score is very low, indicating trouble. There is love out there for you. Seek the advice of wise people on how to go about finding it. Do not lose hope.

Finance: Your finance rating is a score that rates your current financial health and stability. Your financial score indicates some trouble. Raise your score over time by making changes which will lead to greater prosperity in the future. Be sure to live within your means today.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Endless Week

All day I have thought it has been Thursday, which is the last day of my week. I find this distressing.
It has been an alright week though so far. School has been pretty average and things seem to be going pretty well in all my classes. I LOVE my World Cultures teacher!!!!
Tomorrow I'm wearing my FCKH8 shirt, so I'm pretty excited about that. If you dont know what FCKH8 is google it and watch their "Straight talk about gay marriage" video. I'd post it but I bet almost everyone has seen it and it might get old after the 20th time watching, but if you havent seen it, its really good.

Let see. Luis took state for track which is pretty exciting! I havent seen him in way too long though. I have yet to give up on my suspicions he is gay.
Then someone told this one kid at school who I have always hated just how much I hate him. I explained why this is to to a friend on facebook earlier and it went something like this:
"I dont know who doesnt know that i dislike him. he is a pathetic attention whore who pretends to be gay and have amnesia because he cant find any way for any one to even talk to him unless he is differant or disabled in some way because hes so god damn pathetic and whiney and annoying to talk to under any normal circumstance!!
haha, sorry. I'm done."
But its true. And I have no problem being an ass. i honesty couldn't care less that knows i despise him other than he is at all sorts of gay events. But I'm the king of awkward situations so it wont stop me!

There are kinda plans to go see my friends in Las Cruses in a couple weekends, but honestly I dont want to go. Its too time consuming and costly to travel that far and kinda stressful. Plus I know they are replacing us with people there, as we are replacing them up here and i don't have the resolve to keep up dissolving relationships when I have the minimum of meaningful friendships I need, and I have far more than the minimum at the moment. And their ugly annoying gay friend who I have NEVER had contact with added me on facebook and tried to talk to me the other day and I ignored him cuz it kinda creped me out.

My car is a piece of shit and pissed me off yesterday so I kinda kicked it and it has a dent in it. My parents are convinced i was hit in a parking lot. I'd feel guilty if my mom didnt work at a car place and can get it fixed super easy. I used to have a really bad temper and that behavior would have been normal, but not so much anymore. I just had a bad day yesterday.

Oh, and I basically got rid of all my links on the side. They annoyed me though, and I still have "blogs I follow" on the sidebar.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Quick Business

First off, I did start a tumblir...
SO FOLLOW IT!!!! ...or not, but it would be cool if you did. A lot of my friends have really great tumblrs and they would be worth following too. I am not posting this URL on that site because this one I'm keeping open as my 'journal' which I'm not entirely cool with my friends like Jordan to have access to (considering I talk about him a fair amount on here.
I will keep this one up though, I will probably just post on the other one a lot more and have a wider variety of things I'm going to share on it. And I'm pretty sure what I wrote for my 1st post is about as long as those posts will get.

AND! here is my award winning tinkerbell costume that I have been asked to post on here, :) god I need a haircut.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


So I am back from the Dead. I know it has been FOREVER since I posted, but with work and all I have not had the time or interest for anything on the internet with the exception of the occasional facebook or m-mail check in.
Yesterday was the last day of work, seeing as it was the election, and it couldn't come fast enough. By the end i was exhausted, but the money is very welcome, considering I have been spending so much of it lately.
I will spare you most of my ramblings and just give you a short synopsis of whats been up with my life in the past month.
~School. It has taken a lot of my time but I am maintaining fair grades in all of my classes, as far as I know.
~I have seen less and less of my friends because of busy work schedules and stuff, but we are still as close as ever.
~I got a psychiatric evaluation at school and scored high for anxiety and very high for depression. They have referred my to the therapist, but I have yet to have time for that.
~I won the QSA Halloween costume contest...I went as tinker bell. :) Halloween night was fairly uneventful however.
~I finished the BEST book series in the world (The Hunger Games) and as soon as I have enough money I plan on getting a tattoo that is a reference from the book. CAN'T WAIT!
~Joined Connexion, a gay social/dating site... kinda lame. :)
~Broke 2 boys hearts
~Found a boy I'm sure is gay and is super cute. I only saw him like once at Sonic, but imma go back and flirt as soon as I see hes working there again.
~I've met a ton of high profile Democrats...

Ummm... thats about all I can think of now. But im back for now at least.
Love yallll
and I may start posting on Tumblr soon, so stay tuned

Sunday, September 26, 2010


Hey! So nothing has calmed down really, but I have made some time in the past couple days to have to myself.

School is slightly less stressful in some aspects, but more so in others. The results from my first test weren't so good... a 72%, but I will actually study better for the next class in that class. Me and my friend who I have school with (and don't like) have made a new friend that we have been hanging out with a bit. We went to his house one day after school because he lives super close to the school. He has some really awesome dogs and we went to a few cool stores, that I need to go back to sometime. One is this new age store that my friends would like, so we will probably go Wednesday instead of going to QSA. One of our co-chairs pissed Jordan off because Jordan said he didn't really like our last meeting on a Facebook discussion board and then was told to "Just stop coming" if he didn't like the meetings. But it was a really awful meeting where the Christians came in and told us they loved us and we were all children of god and kinda shoving their views down one the throats of one of the least Christian groups at school. But I'm sure we will go again soon, just not for a couple weeks. Wednesdays are still gonna be designated as days we all try to get together and hang out. I love my friends so much! haha

I kinda got a job today! I get paid $9 an hour to go door to door for Democrats in New Mexico for the elections in a couple weeks. I'm excited to have a little work, even if its only gonna be for the next couple weeks. I also got registered to vote today. My parents and I went to a harvest festival in Coralles, which is a cool little town. It wasn't so fun, but its will wake my parents happy and probably keep them sober, which they have been. I also went to a family night thing at my dad's aftercare program, which was interesting, and I'm sure it made him feel supported. I still hate him, but the happier he is, the easier life is for me...

I have had one of my infamous change-of-hearts. Daniel has recently started annoying me and I'm back on the look for anything, although I'm really just not that interested in many people. I have also been depressed the past week or so, just thinking about flaws and all sorts of negative stuff, but I think its getting better. These though patterns seem to be pretty cyclical with me.

At a mud hut party we had Jordan and I sat on the roof and talked a lot about a lot of stuff, and it was probably the most intimate (in a non-romantic way) moment I have had with a single person in some time. He said he and some of my other friends are genuinely concerned for me and I explained some of my emotions and how important he is to me and we got a better understanding of each other and he just helped me out a lot. We also talked about less important stuff, but it was a really good experience. The rest of the evening was fun too.
The next day when we were driving around a creepy old man drove up next to us while we were laughing and said something about how we were having a good time, and he had to have fun by himself and started making this jacking off motion, so we laughed awkwardly and drove off pretty quickly.

I got in a fight of sorts with a woman at wal-mart the other night. I was a person or 2 behind her in line, and her credit card wasn't working so a manager had to come over to help the cashier. The whole time the woman was being a bitch to both of them. i got fed up really fast with both her attitude and the slow line, so I picked my stuff up to leave, but before I left i told her " you know, just because you may have had a bad day, that doesn't mean you have to be a cunt to people who are just trying to do their job." and Then I left after a little smile exchanged with the cashier. Then in the parking lot, my box of sodas broke and I had to clean the up from all over and she walked out and just passed me, laughing, to which I told her to go to hell. it was entertaining.

Next weekend my friends and I are going to the Cocorosie concert! I'm so excited! they are so weird! And my friends who moved away are coming for it too! I will post a couple of their songs... So weird!

Umm... I think that is everything. So yeah!
Post again soon...

Monday, September 20, 2010


...that's the one word I can give life at the moment. One thing after another keeps turning up. School, homework, friends, clubs... all sorts of stuff. And I need a job but I really don't have time.

I am working on changing my eating habits. I am eating less meat, like 75% of what I usually eat. I used to be a vegetarian, and I may go back to it. I can not support that cruel industry in good conscience though, it is disgusting what we can do to other living creatures. And I am also trying to eat less. i have gained 5 pounds since school started and I am not going to let the freshman 15 conquer me!

Daniel (from QSA) came over Saturday for a Mud Hut. It was just me, him, one of his friends who left before we fell asleep and Stephanie. We drank a bit, not too much though, i promise, and then the two of us fooled around a bit. Not too much though cuz we were both tired. :P I credit anything that happened to the alcohol because I feel like he doesn't like me as much normally, but I don't know, I get mixed signals. He did buy my lunch the next day when we went shopping. :)

Oh, here is a pic of Sam, me (in the middle) and Jordan after the 80s party. haha, Jordan is so hot! And absolutely perfect, and my 2nd favorite person in the world, but we are just friends :P

I am on the 2nd book in the Hunger Games series and they get better and better all the time. I LOVE them!

Hmmm... some people really need to figure out when they have overstayed their welcome in my life. I don't want them there anymore, but they keep making appearances. Its so annoying, but I also don't want to say anything directly because that is tactless.

I'll keep you posted!
~Anton <3

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

So Tired

Hello! So college and extracurricular stuff and friends has kept me pretty excessively busy. I'm literally at home for a little more than to sleep, get ready, surf the web for a few hours and sometimes eat. Just a short time ago I couldn't get out of the house enough, but I like it better this way.

So i went to Las Cruces last weekend and had a blast. Rocky Horror Picture Show was great, and there were A LOT of hot gay boys there, several of whom were wearing nothing more than underwear! I'm going next year in costume and I will be even better!! The rest of the trip was... crazy. But fun! I really miss not having all of the group in one place. But its only a 3ish hour drive and could be a lot worse. On the way down my friend that I was going with and me almost became the wicked witch of the west. A semi carrying a mobile home cut me off out of nowhere and nearly crushed us, but fortunately the car I was driving had good breaks, but you could smell the burning rubber for minutes after and I was shaking from the whole thing like crazy.

The boy from QSA and i have been texting a bit and went shopping one day. I think he is just a bit awkward and I get mixed signals from him, but we'll see how things go. I 'might' consider a relationship with him because he is so different than other guys that I'm typically attracted to. Tomorrow we are having an 80s party, so that should be very interesting.

IDK when I will start posting as often as I used to again cuz I am so busy, but I will try to do 2 posts a week or at least one and get all the big stuff in.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Stress and Happiness

So, this is my 1st post from my NEW LAPTOP!!!! It is AMAZING! Most of the cost was covered by my godmother, which was incredible helpful. I have been quite miserable with my desktop being broken. Anyways, it has a 17.3" screen, a top of the line sound system, a camera, 500GB hard drive and like a bazillion other amazing features, and it only cost a little over $800, including tax.

School has been absolutely exhausting and I am a bit behind still, but tomorrow is my last day for the week, and it cant come fast enough.

However, today was my 2nd Queer-Straight-Alliance meeting and it was great. We divided into teams and went on a photo scavenger hunt across campus. That was a lot of fun and my team came in 3rd place. There is also a boy there that I was talking to last week, and tonight I got his number and I'll text him a little tomorrow. He is kinda cute and dorky and sweet... I still don't want a relationship, but I would go on a few dates with him and see where things go.
Next week the QSA is having an 80s party, and we are gonna get all dressed up and it should be super fun!

This weekend I am going down to Las Cruces to see my friends down at NMSU and to go to a Rocky Horror Picture Show thing they are having. I cant wait for that!!!

Thats about it. Besides being a little stressed and some people being totally ridiculous, I am a happy camper. Just very very busy.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Bitches and Boys

Hey! short post tonight, cuz its late and I gotta get up early.
~The queer straight alliance thing was great! Tons of cute boys, 2 of which I have a rather strong desire to break up and get with myself, one from my English class and another I flirted with quite a bit. I'll get his number next week. We couldn't find the gay club we wanted to go to, I think its only open Trurs-Sat... and we went to the meeting with one of Steph's friends who happens to be in a wheel chair for a bit, so even if we did find it, we may not have even gone in.
~So this bitch on facebook posted something like "Eew, a lesbian just winked at me, wheres my holy water?" So there is this huge fight on her comment and I post this long thing telling her to fuck off. It was really interesting, and I'd post the whole thing, but the bitch deleted it. Any who, i unfriended her and life's good now, especially cuz shes so butt-hurt about it.
Good night! I love you

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

10 Days Later...

HELLOOOOO!!!! I wish I could have posted earlier, because I have had a lot to tell. But last week my $1500 computer crashed, I don't have the money to get it fixed, I don't post on the downstairs in case may parents find a link that I would forget to erase to my blog, and I hate using our old laptop... but I needed to post, cuz I feel bad for waiting so long to do so.

The big news: COLLEGE STARTED!!! I like it quite a lot, even though I am stuck with my bitch friend for way too much of it. But she is tolerable and I have 2 amazing professors. The others are okay or crappy, but these 2 make it all worth it. And I like only having classes 4 days a week.

I started a great book called The Hunger Games. Read it! Its great! there are 3 in the series I think.

Jessica's parents who had originally stoped her from moving to Las Crucas for college changed their minds, which is good for her, but a bit sad for me. So now its mostly me Jordan and Sam, but I don't really see them tooo much anymore, which sucks. But its ok, cuz we are still close.

I haven't met a lot of cool new people yet, but I'm working on it. I was quite sick on Thursday and really anti-social in all my classes. But I'm feeling a lot better now!!

Tomorrow I am going to the Queer Straight Alliance meeting with Steph, and I'm excited to meet some potential gay boys there, and they have free food! After that we are gonna go check out a gay club, which I'm even more excited for!

I don't have so much to say right now, cuz I just wanted to catch you all up, but I'll start posting on the laptop, even though I don't like it.


Friday, August 20, 2010

Opening the New Chapter

So things are good! My dad still isn't back from detox and I LOVE not having that piece of shit around. My BFF is getting back from Sweden tomorrow, so I can text her again. I have been seeing Ethan quite a bit, and I hung out with Ben this past week. My friend who moved away for college is back in town this weekend and tomorrow we are gonna celebrate hers and Jordan's birthdays at Olive Garden, hopefully... Its not well planned.haha.

Tomorrow I'm gonna go shopping for school things and the day after I have a freshman thing at UNM and I will hopefully go get my books for my classes. To pay for them I am getting $600 from my godmother and about $300 from my mom, so together I should have a couple hundred more than I need so I will have some spending cash!!! :)

Today I went to a thing at UNM with one of my favorite people ever and I got a ton of free stuff and some good food. It was a blast!

I don't have much more to say, so here are a couple music videos, i guess. :P

Despite what a lot of you think, I LOVE him, here is Adam being fucking gorgeous and awesome.

And I love the 'fuck you' message in this song, yet it comes across as sweet. And Sara Bareilles is absolutely gorgeous and talented.

That's about it. At least as far as big news goes... go FORMSPRING ME!!! haha, or not...

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Blood on the Walls

Hello! So I'm back from taking a break. Life has been chaotic between friends and family stuff.
I haven't been up to too much out to the ordinary myself... I have just been seeing my friends or hanging out at home. One of my friends moved yesterday because she is going to NMSU which is only 4 hours away, but its still sad.
An odd thing happened yesterday. As I was walking gown our stairs I noticed a considerable about of dried blood on the wall. I know it hadn't been there that morning, and I was the only one home for most the day. It was very strange, and it was at different heights on the wall as well...
My dad has been in detox the past 4 days, and has not been missed at all. He can rot in there for all I care. My apathy has greatly annoyed my mom, who still won't take any responsibility for her actions. I am continuing to look for a job and a place to live.
As far as my drinking which was greatly concerned in the last post... I do not think it is excessive, I know I can stop, and I am stopping before school starts anyways. I knew the 2 or so weeks between when I returned from Utah and when people started leaving for college would be a bit crazy... but I have the situation well under control and I am going to stop so I can focus on school, which starts in a week from today.
I am very excited for school... It should be a great experience.
Love you all

Saturday, August 7, 2010


FUCK! Well this weekend was total shit. This is gonna be a not so friendly bitchy rant post too. I'm PISSED! and I decided I don't swear enough on here because I swear a lot in real life.

So Thursday things went to hell for Jess who's dad found her pot stash. Shes not in huge trouble, but she killed her trust with him and isn't allowed out of the house too much. That night was fine. The rest of us just watched movies and whatever. Friday morning we all met up to go to the amusement park, and that went fine too. We got tired of the park and really hot so we headed to Jordan's house for our weekend long party that we have been planning forever. I was super excited because John was coming, and I have never partied with him before. There was about 15 of us there, maybe 10 drinking, and it was all pretty normal and relaxed. John, however was taking shots like every round when most of us were only doing 1/2 or 3/4 of the rounds everyone was taking. I was pretty much keeping pace with him and I wasn't really fucked up or anything cuz I'm a heavyweight. John said it took him like 12 to get pretty fucked up, and we both made it to 10, which no one would have let John get to if anyone was paying attention. Well, apparently John is a much lighter weight than he thought and he got TOTALLY SHIT-FACED!
He stared of being normal funny drunk or whatever, and we were kinda cuddled up on the couch watching shark week and it was really nice and whatever. Then he was just getting reckless, and ended up getting in the fucking pool. A couple people were already in there, but there was the shallow end/swimming buddy/only if you are 'tipsy' rule, but John was too fucked up to care. So Bri and I get in with him and are baby sitting him trying to get him slowly to the stairs, but he is a mess and yeah. Oh, and before he got to his worse point and we were in there fucking Madison (who I LOATHE) convinced me and John to make out a bit, and I was not thinking, but then I finally figured out it was wrong. Then eventually John tries to take off my swimming trunks and so I stop him and hes like "Oh, I'm sorry" and whatever and stops. so eventually he kinda starts freaking out and Jordan comes out and we get him out and Jordan talks to him and I* stay on pool duty in case he gets back in cuz I'm coherent enough to do so.
He starts throwing up a bit so we get a bag and move him into the bathroom. He is still freaking out and crying and confessing things he never normally would. So we get him over the toilet and this mother fucker starts like passing out on us and is totally non responsive and were slapping him and splashing water on him to wake him up. No one is nearly as bad as he is, and Bri Sam Jordan and I are taking turns taking are of him, helping him throw up, and feeding him bread and giving him water and what not for 2 1/2 fucking hours and the dumb ass is still not fully functioning.
THEN his fucking curfew rolls around and him moms like "HOME! NOW!" so we're like oh fuck and then shes like "get your ass home or I'm calling the cops up there" so we start panicking a little and text her back that hes on his way. So we get him clothed cuz he was swimming in his underwear and Jordan and I frog-march him home with some others as look outs. His little brother was texting us from inside and was incredibly helpful. So Jordan and I take him in and he still cant walk all that well and his moms yelling down the top of the stairs and sends his brother down and then we hear "Get those boys out of here, your dad's waking up and they don't want to be here for that" so Jordan and I book it out of there back to his house where the others are hiding all the evidence of ANYTHING illegal, and doing a damn good job of it.
We get our cover story together and its really good and whatever, so I text Brittany and tell her what to say if John or Jordan's moms ask anything which is totally not incriminating and super easy and she is all like "Well I don't really want to and as forewarning I will tell the truth if I'm asked" and we are like you fucking bitch, I know there might be some trouble involved, but we wouldn't think twice about helping you out if you needed it, way to be an awesome friend. But no cops are called or anything and we look scott free, so we go to bed.
In the morning Jordan gives him mom the cover story and whatever and we clean up and get ready for tonight. Brittany's little brother tells us her boyfriend, who none of us really like is planning to come over. Without Jordan's permission. So he texts her and is like "Its cool if Nathan comes over, but it would be awesome if you could ask me first" and shes all like " well its your brothers house too, and you guys seem to have a problem hanging out with Nathan, so I have a problem hanging out with all of you" so we are all fuck no,, and Jordan and her get into a big text argument and she is being an irrational bitch who is obviously brain washed by her boy friend. TRUST ME, I looked at this objective. So shes kinda on the outs, but in a couple days I'm gonna try to make peace with her cuz we have a ton of classes together and I feel like I need to for that fact, but not really any other. I'm PISSED at her dumb ass. But anyways, mid-day Jordan gets a call from his mom who had just talked to Johns mom and got the story from her and she is PISSED!! So we are all supposed to go home and Jordan is in DEEP SHIT. But some of us stay anyways and help him out and just vent with him and hang out. Then I take the others who are still left to their cars, call Jess (who has also upset most of us, but I'll perhaps share that story another day) and then I head home.
So out of our group, 2 are moving to another city for college, one is a total bitch, ones in super deep shit, and then 2 of us are whatever. This is not how its supposed to be!!!! I'm starting a search for new friends in college though, so we'll see how that goes.

Before I left for that adventure I found a cooler of beers that belongs to my dad. I FUCKING HATE THAT WORTHLESS FUCKING FUCKTARD!!!!!! I TOLD MY MOM TO NOT GO BACK TO HIS DUMB ASS AND LOOK WHATS HAPPENED OVER THE PAST 2 MONTHS!!! I FUCKING HATE BOTH MY PATENTS!!!!!!!! At least my moms not drinking and my dads hopefully going to detox again tomorrow. I told him this was the one warning they would get and then after that I'm gone forever, and I have talked to my mom about it today too. If he stars again after this detox trip either him or I are gonna leave and IDK where I will go, but it wont be this shit hole. I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE!!!!! UGH!

So yeah, that's whats up.... I may have forgot something, and I'll post it later if I did but I'm fucking tired and pissed and I'm gonna take a couple shots and watch Pirates of the Caribbean and have a good time./ Don't worry about the alcohol, I'm just stressed as FUCK!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Hottest Man in Existance

Adam Lambert is probably the most vocally talented artists out there right now. Well... in my opinion. His concert was defiantly one of the best I have ever seen. I could totally go to a few more of them and not complain one bit. I had a surprisingly hard time finding a friend to take however. Everyone who wanted to go was busy and the rest wouldn't go with me. But I finally got one of my friends I haven't seen in like forever to agree to go, and she was a lot of fun. By far the biggest disappointment of the evening was the fact that John really wanted to come, but couldn't because of work. Once we got in the theater my parents went to the balcony and my friend and I went went down to the floor. We got a fantastic spot, 15 or 20 feet from the stage.
Allison Iraheta, who was one on my favorites from the same season of American Idol that Adam was on opened, and she was AMAZING! i loved her cover of Heart breaker too. She really connected with the audience and she is so talented. It was the perfect opening for him.
We pushed our way up a bit more before Adam came out, nearly to the front, and once he came out my mind just exploded with his hotness and amazingness. And his bass player, Tommy, and one of his dancers are REALLY hot too. His outfits were so good and all of his songs really were great. He played a lot of his lesser known ones and he sadly didn't do For Your Entertainment, but everything he did was great, especially Fever, if I Had You and Aftermath. Those two in particular were amazing. He is so sexy! And i was so close to the stage so I was just taking everything in. It was one of the best nights ever, besides John not being there. If he was I would have probably made some kind of move, which would probably be stupid, but it was Adam Lambert so I wouldn't really care. His songs would have created the perfect atmosphere and we would have been so close and it would have been perfect. There were so many adorable gay boys there and I flirted with one a bit, but mostly I just wanted John to be there.
I also got dresses up all cute and got the guy liner on and I just had a good time. I also spent $75 on a ton of his stuff. XD

Here is Adam and Tommy at the concert that I was out. HOT DAMN!!!!!

Other than that I have been seeing my friends mostly. Tomorrow some of us are going to the amusement park in Albuquerque... although its rather pathetic. Then this weekend were spending most of it at Jordan's house and that should be fun. i need to go buy books kinda soon for school, which I'm not looking forward to, but I do want school to start. It should be a lot of fun.

Love you all!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Monsters in My House

Well I'm home. Its not particularly happy for me in any case, but I'll live.
Somewhat to my surprise and disappointment both my parents were home. I though at least one of them would still be in detox, but my dad was sent home the same day because he had really low blood alcohol levels and my mom left early to go to the hospital for heart palpitations. In addition to that, there is a creepy dog in my house. He belongs to my moms friend, and her friends son was supposed to watch him, but he got arrested again, so she offered to take him. He is really creepy and pathetic. I kinda feel bad for him.

My flight back to NM was fine. My neighbors picked me up which we really nice because that means less time with my parents. Besides dinner I have been in my room unpacking most the day. Jess is coming over later to hang out and I'm really excited to see all of my friends! they have been like the only thing keeping me from moving to Utah permanently... and even so, I have a couple good friends in Salt Lake too... Including my best friend.

Tomorrow should be amazing. I'm going to an ADAM FUCKING LAMBERT CONCERT!!!!!!! He's SO fucking hot and amazing and OMFG i can't wait!!! I'm taking Jess and sadly my parents are going to but whatever... its Adam Lambert. I LOVE him!

Friday, July 30, 2010

New Developments?

So the visit with the fam was pretty fun. I got better acquainted with some of my 2nd cousins. I really dislike them all, but I had to make an appearance for a little cuz they all wanted to see me. They made it fun for me anyways, so it was okay.
Since then I have been doing most of my usual Utah stuff. I had another big card game and I have been to several movies. Today I saw Diner for Schmucks, it was really good! I also went to Lagoon with one of my friends and some people I didn't really know. Lagoon is an amusement park and they have some pretty good rides and I had a really good time.

My parents are showing they are devoted to changing their ways. Both of them are in detox facilities now and seeing a psychiatrist. My moms been kinda freaking and stuff, and acting really weird, but I think this situation has emotionally scared her. But anyways I'm hopeful this will keep them good at least till I move out. I had to arrange for a neighbor to come get me from the airport cuz there is a good chance they will still be gone when I get back home. I'm kinda excited about possibly coming home to an empty house. It will help me acclimate again. I have lots of parties planed when I get back, an over night trip and a concert. So i prob wont see them much even when they are back... but I will try to be social and at least act forgiving, even though I'm not, just as positive reinforcement.

I also came out to my godmother today and that went well, besides being somewhat awkward, but I always figured it would be just with the kind of relationship we have. Tomorrow I will come out one of the last ones, and then I will be pretty much liberated from hiding behind a mask, except around my extended family. I have a big shopping day tomorrow that I'm quite excited about and I plan on wasting some money!! =D I'm going to have trouble getting everything back home though... there is so much of it!

Love you all lots! I'll post more regularly after I get home sometime.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Nostalgia sucks. It (by definition) reminds me of times when I was happier. When things seemed so much better for me, and I didn't have so much shit to worry about. Its really bitter sweet. The 24th of July in Utah is one of the most powerful days of nostalgia for me. I have never been out of this state for that Holiday, and for the past several years I have had a tradition with my friends (IttyK and her sister) of running around like idiots on that particular day.
In Utah, the 24th of July is 'Pioneer Day' which is just to Mormon name for the day they got their statehood. Anyways, there are spectacular fireworks, much better than the 4th of July, and one of the sites they have always shot them off at is just like 3 blocks from where I grew up. So I usually go up that way and meet my friends (this year it was Just IttyK's sister) and we have a good time at the fireworks show. It was so packed this year! I either never noticed it before, or it was a weekend day or something, but it was really cool.

My best friend left for Sweden a few days ago and I'm going INSANE without her. I usually text her from when I wake up to when I go to bed, and she doesn't have texting over seas so I'm not really sure what I'm going with myself and I'm not sure how well I will handle being home without her for a couple weeks. But we did have a fun day together before she left.

I'm kinda excited to go home cuz I really miss my friends there. I'm sure I'm going to party it up a little bit before 2 of them move down south for college. But I also really don't want to cuz of the whole parents thing. My mom was in the hospital again for conflicting medications, and they tried to keep that little incident from me, but one of my neighbors asked me on Facebook is she was alright, and I told her I had no idea what she was taling about. But my dad says "every things returning to normal quickly" and my mother has been painting the house... so I guess that's a good sign. Apparently a lot of what I wrote to her had a negative impact on her, which is good because hopefully its the wake up call she needs... or at least it should hold till I move out, probably next year.

I have been seeing a lot of other people I've known for a long time, and it has been really nice.

Tomorrow my uncle is taking me down to Provo (Mormon central) and were having a family barbecue up Provo Canyon and taking a moonlight ride on the lifts at Sundance, which should be beautiful. Then I'll sleep at his house and in the morning we'll hike Stuart Falls and then float on tubes down the Provo River. I'm pretty excited for all of it except the float... and my family. They are way to Mormon-y for my tastes and would disown me if the knew I was gay. I loath being around them or and even worse, being around them in Provo. I can handle the number of Mormons in Salt Lake just fine... but most of the rest of Utah... not so great. But my grandparents are down south and I actually like the Uncle I'll be with most the time quite a lot. Its the rest of the family that I really want to disappear from existence.

I go back home on the 2nd... so I only have about a week left here, which does make me sad. But I think I'll be okay going home cuz never before have I had such close friends there.

Love you all

Oh, and here is another one of my poems I wrote when I was bored, Its happier than the last, but I still don't think its very good. Haha, anyways, here's Jumping Off the Moon:

Higher than Heaven itself.
A cold rock, not unlike my home,
but absent of its trees and beauty.

I look down on the planet where IO was born.
I can almost see my house; my friends.
But I am stuck, on this cold rock, so very far away.

I take a breath; a breath lacking the nourishment of oxygen.
My feet push me off, and I soar through space.
Rocks and satellites fly by my Head, but I can already hear the crashing waves.

The atmospheric gasses are set ablaze around me,
Through layer upon layer of cool, misty clouds I fall.
Birds fly by, singing their songs of welcome.

The wind gently brushes the trees, as the rocks guard the secrets of Earth.
A rabbit pokes its head out of its hole and a dear grazes in a meadow.
My feet touch the ground, and I am home.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I'm Happy... Even if This Post Isn't

People are always preaching their philosophies and ideas like they are god. This is a problem I have with many people; my godmother, any devoutly religious person, my friend Jordan and the person I consider to be one of my closest mentors, Robert Pruitt. Its not something I'd have a problem with except that all of those people speak it like it is scientific fact. I know I do it too on occasion... but it is not something I am all that tolerant of.
People are subconsciously selfish, and pretending that every action they take is for the betterment of society is bull shit. Hell, even the Dalia Lama has his moments of weakness...
Not everyone is going to be changed by these philosophies because the number of them that there are just makes life confusing, especially when most people will defend them to the death. Its time for people to start tearing down their god complexes and allow others to make decisions for themselves.
But that's idealistic. No ones going to do that, not even me... I just wanted to bitch about it, cuz bitching about things is one of my better talents.
So cuz things aren't gonna change in this case, one philosophy I have picked up from one of my mentors that I have been applying to my life more and more is "Its easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission" It helps me be me.

Any who... I saw Inception today which was an exceptionally amazing movie and really put into perspective the nature of reality and demonstrated philosophies out of the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Jordan and I often theorise about... well everything, but one of our favorites is anything to do with multiple universes and how dreams, alcohol and weed are ways to access different universes than the one that humanity experiences the majority of the time. The different levels of dreams and the concept of limbo talked about in the movie kinda gave me some food for thought concerning reality and dreams and different universes. It was really fascinating and everyone should go see it.

I have been writing poetry lately. I'm not very good at it, mostly because i give up half way through out of boredom and rush it. This is one I wrote on my plane ride from hell. Its really emo, and keep in mind I wasn't happy when I wrote it. Its called End the Air Flow... =/

Suffocate me
Oppress me
Release me
I wont stop you
I cant stop you

Strangle me
Drown me
Gas me

Put that pillow over my face
Put your hands around my neck
Put me in my place

Strangle me
Drown me
Gas me

Let the water flow in
100 feet under the surface
Let me go

Strangle me
Drown me
Gas me

Close the door
Start the engine
Just give me that endless sleep

Strangle me
Drown me
Gas me

Suffocate me
Oppress me
Release me
I wont stop you
I cant stop you

So yeah... that was happy. And not very good, but I thought I might aw well share it.

I have been feeling like I'm losing a lot of people who are close to me. They are either moving or changing into things I don't like/don't know how to deal with in a way which will keep us close. That's another reason I'm looking forward to college. 29,000 new people to meet and get to know.

I am also under the impression my parents are somewhat responding to my ultimatum I gave them of "clean up or I'm leaving." They have supposedly dried up and are starting counseling. I know they will want me to go too... which I'm hesitant about cuz I'd only want personal therapy, and I have nothing nice to say about them in an environment like that. It would be a lot of arguing and little progress.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Camping... Kinda


So camping didn't exactly happen as planned. The sites were full, so we went on a hike of Friday instead of camping and went to the park and chilled. That night we watched The Crazies and Zombieland. Both were good! and pretty scary, well... the 1st one was. Then we slept in the tents in the back yard and today we went on a hike in Mill Creek Canyon which is GORGEOUS! One of my favorte places... It was lots of fun. Then we just laid around a bit. Its been somewhat awkward, at least for me, with IttyK... But it has been really nice here, except I really miss my friends and I wanna party with them when I get back. I also have a little trip kinda coming together for the 2nd weekend I get back which I'm pretty excited about.

I saw Despicable Me. It was pretty good, and Robin Hood wasn't bad. My allergies have been killing me here, which is one thing i don't have to deal with back east.
I have been busy and I ha vent had much time to write good posts, but I try to keep you up on anything important.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


Hi!!! sorry that I've been gone forever. I didn't really have the time, energy or Internet access to post while I was on the est coast.

My trip there was alright. It was far worse than any other NSLC trip i have ever been on, but it was still a beneficial experience. We did a lot of work concerning our vision for the future. A lot of it seemed counter productive to deciding on a specific path, but I also was helpful in a lot of ways. We also had very little group bonding time, which has always been the best part of any of these trips. We did have a dance at the end which was pretty fun, and I was introduced to Zumba, which is a really fun exercises that I am going to start doing when I get home. We also saw the Washington monuments at night, which I have done before, but was still fun. We also went to Baltimore Harbor where my really good friend from a previous trip and I did some shopping, got hit on by some old hobos and had a nice diner.

I was the last to leave the conference, which just sucked, then the lines in the airport were RIDICULOUS. and when i was drooping off my bag it was over weight so i had to move stuff to my carry on, go through the line again, it was still over weight, so i had to go through that long line a 3rd time. Then security line was long and i forgot to take my laptop out and they had to run all my stuff though again. on the plane i got yelled at cuz i took my computer bag out of my carry on and i cant have 3 bags, so i had to put it back, but then it wouldn't fit over head, so i had to get back to the front which pissed everyone off and give it to the flight attendant who totally bitched me out. then my ipod died in like the 1st 5 minuets, and the airplane movie/music sucked. and they ran out of the food i wanted, so i didn't like mine, and i spilled ice on me when we hit this pocket of turbulence, and the old lady 2 seats over sneezed in her tomato juice and it hit everyone in the area. and there were a billion loud and annoying kids on the flight, including right behind me. and i sat right by the engine where its really loud. WORST TRAVEL DAY EVER!!

Then as soon as i got here things got better. I was greeted at the airport by IttyK and her sister and we went to their house and had cake, and then I came back here to my godmothers house, ant I just felt totally relaxed and at peace with the world. Yesterday wasn't so good. I was in this endless cycle of self loathing, disgust with my existence and remembering things I didn't want to. It was really miserable, and i have been experiencing it on and off for the past little while. Today I seem to be doing better. I am spending the afternoon with some of my best friends and I plan on having a really good time. Friday I'm going on a camping trip with them and I really need the get away from modern society.

Over all its a billion times better than being at my house. I haven't talked to my mom much, besides to check in a couple times and give her an ultimatum that if both of them aren't in A.A. by the time I get back, I'm moving out.

I will be posting more often now that I'm here, but still probably not as much as usual.
Love you!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Heading Out

Hey!! Sorry it’s been a while... it’s been busy.
So I'm leaving in about 13 hours for Washington DC!!! I'm really excited; it should be so much fun! Worst part is that I have to get a ride to the airport with my dad... It totally sucks having any interaction with either parent, both keep acting like things are totally acceptable, which pisses me off. I have made sure I have kept things tense with my mom, she needs to know how pissed I am, but I also am holding back to not make her drink more. I'm sticking to my conditions that both of them have to be totally sober and in A.A. when I get out, or I will find a roommate to get an apartment with... I will remind her of it a couple times while I'm gone, and we will just have to see what they do.

Let’s see, we had a little mud hut party the other night. It was just a couple of us, and no John, so I was kinda really sad about that. I went to see How to Train Your Dragon with Luis the other day. It was really good!!! Then I went to see fireworks on the 3rd and 4th. They were really good, and both nights the people I was with had tons of illegal’s, which were really loud and cool, and scary... I almost got hit by a few of them. Fortunately, I'm a ninja. =)
Both nights John was supposed to come, but wasn’t able too, which really sucked, cuz I wanted to get drunk with him before I left... oh well... I will when I get back. I decided I really don’t want a relationship, but I want John... IDK.
A lot more has happened, but I can’t really think right now, and I gotta go pack more... But I will keep you updated on anything big!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I Gots Mah Hair Did!!

I'm so happy with my hair! It looks really cool! Which it better cuz including the cut last week, i spent about $175 on it!

Here is a kinda close up...

And here is me failing at my attempts to be cute...

Haha, I got hi lights through out, low lights in the bangs, and the tips of my bangs darkened.. it took like 2 hours, but it was pretty fun.

Dad went to work today, which was a shocker, cuz he got pretty drunk last night. I left him a note for when he gets home thanking him for not going totally over board, cuz he needs the positive reinforcement.
My moms sobered up quite a bit today after reading my letter, so hopefully it will get her in her place till I can find someone good to move into an apartment with.

Now imma go shopping with some friends and then have a mud hut party tonight, probably without John, but a boy can hope...

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

College Orientation

So orientation took so much energy out of me, but it was fun! Night before it started I got 4 hours of sleep, and the the stay over I only got 5, so I'm quite tired now. We kept really busy!
First day was terrifying, even if I went with 2 friends. It was so new and confusing. We spent several hours in lectures about school policy and things we need to know for our time there. Most of those were pretty boring, but some were really interesting. We also had lots of skits done by the orientation leaders concerning stuff we need to know... they were pretty stupid, but kinda funny. These 2 alumni guys came in and did some improv for us, which was pretty fun. We also had a lady come in to talk about stereotyping and prejudice. We did this activity at the end of her intriguing lecture where we had a specific group of people, and in small groups we had to come up with every negative word we could think of associated with that group. Then we hung them up and went through and crossed off the ones that we thought shouldn't be associated with the groups based on meaning behind the word/appropriateness of it. My group happened to be Gay and Lesbian, so it was interesting when I told everyone in our small group I was gay. That evening we had a social that was incredibly lame...
Day 2 (today) was mostly lectures and a tour of UNM. I met some cool people there. There was one cuteish gay boy, and at check out there was this really cool girl that my friend and I were chatting too. The whole experience was really good, and totally got me excited for college and helped with some of my fears.
I also got registered for 4 classes, all with a friend, and I will sign up for one more soon.

When I got home the house was a bit of a mess and my mom was passed out drunk in the guest bed (where she still is). She got really mad at me last night because she didn't remember it was an over night trip. I'm gonna write her a letter to make my point, because I thought the drinking was over, again,and I'm just gonna tell her this is it and I'm probably leaving to live downtown when school starts and that she has lost all of my respect. Should be fun... but after I move out I don't plan on having much of a relationship with either parent. I have been making some limited small talk with my dad... I don't like it.

Good news is that I leave in 6 days!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

First Day of College? ...kinda?

It has still been kinda slow around here, but that will be changing very soon. A week from today I'm leaving for DC, today and tomorrow I have orientation at UNM, and in between I have a mud hut party, a 4th of July party, hopefully a hike with Luis and other shenanigans with friends, plus some stuff or school and whatever.
I'm hoping orientation will be fun. I got up way too early though... I don't need to leave for another hour, and I have been up since 4... haha, I'm smart. Its over night, but I have a couple friends going and it doesn't look too bad. I think it will really hit me that I'm starting college during it, cuz I will be on campus from 8am this morning to like 2pm tomorrow.
I made $40 from my mom for doing this online training thing she had to do for work. Yay spending money!
I'm going in on Thursday to get my hair finished, I CAN'T WAIT! Its gonna look super cute for my trip.
It has been 'kinda' rainy/stormy here. Not NEARLY enough for my liking, but I will take what I can get...
I also went on this really long walk last night and now my legs hurt for walking around UNM all day... oh well. haha
That's about it, I'll keep you posted as my life starts becoming more active again.

Friday, June 25, 2010


Today I went and got a hair cut... it was looking SO bad! Its okay now, but I need to go back in this weekend and get it touched up in the back. I'm also gonna get it colored again!! I cant wait and I'll post pictures after I do. I *think* it will be cute, but I'm not sure yet... Its shorter than I'm used to, so I don't have as good of an idea of what i want to do yet. I was thinking doing lowlights through the bangs ans highlights everywhere else.
I'm also gonna apply for a receptionist job there when I get back form my summer trips. I love my salon!

I also went to coffee with a friend and that was fun. We had a good chat, even if we were only there for an hour. I'm probably gonna go hang out with my friends later and just chill. A couple nights ago I saw the BIGGEST shooting star ever and like 5 other small ones. It was so cool!!! It was like 5 times bigger than a normal one and a really deep orange/reddish color.

I also had a fantastic time a couple nights ago at my friends birthday party. I love dinner parties! I always have the best time.

I got to give this really cute guy water when he came to my house for a security systems thing and he looked exhausted. He was quite nummy! But that was a few days ago...

Umm... I know this was really short, but IDK what else to say...
good night