Thursday, January 7, 2010

Life beyond lies

Trust. Its the fundamental piece of any MEANINGFUL relationship. I have a hard time trusting people and i don't trust anyone completely. Mistrust is a defense mechanism and i am afraid of being vulnerable. Afraid of people taking advantage or judging me for who i am. I also have had many accounts where trusting someone has backfired on me and i have been hurt. I have seen time after time that it is not in human nature to be trustworthy. Gossip is part of our social nature. But i still feel guilty for not trusting, because by not trusting i prevent myself from getting close to someone. Since I have come out to people at school I have done a better job at trusting people, but i am scared something bad will come of it.

Anyways... school is continuing to get better and better and i am becoming a lot more interested in other guys. I am also planning on going on a trip to Atlanta next month, and i am starting to raise money for it. Its a good way to occupy my spare time. Its with the group I went to New Orleans with in November and we do some disaster relief work. Atlanta apparently had some bad flooding and It seems like a noble way to spend a week.

So yeah... those are my thought for today. Hope life is going well for you!


  1. Yup, know how you feel about the trust, still, this is an out for your emotions and to write them sometimes means you let people across the world your innermost thoughts, ...perhaps this is a first step into trust.

    Good to know you keeping yourself busy, hope you get to fulfill all your plans.

  2. Trust is a luxury few of us can afford. I hate being a cynical bastard all the time, but time and again people are more likely to live up to your mistrust.

    Great Post! Thanks!

  3. Anton..., no one intentionally looks to get hurt. So I think you find, that we all have a level of mistrust. The key to trust, is knowledge. If you want to trust someone they must also trust you..., know what I mean?

    You can't force it, and it should never be forced on you, be wary, but not closed off. Sometimes you just have to have a little faith that not everyone is going to fuck you over.

    Well hopefully anyway.


  4. Trust is one of the biggest issues of all. Sometimes when you start trusting it feels as though you've left yourself defenceless. Octavius is right, trust is definitely a two way street and it usually pays to be a bit cautious.

    Sometimes the most surprising people can be the ones most worthy of trust, it's just hard to take the risk sometimes


  5. I have spent so much of my life being a 'cynical bastard' and everyone has been telling me "Anton, you have become so much nicer since you came out" so I think it has kinda been a changing point in my life. I can really see how my blog had made my ability to trust even greater. Especially as I tell more and more people I know about it...
    I have also seen how more people trust me as I let them in little by little, but I could be doing more...
    This is all really useful stuff! Thanks so much! Love you guys