Saturday, November 27, 2010


Today has been lonely. Yes, I spent last night with friends and yes I have been talking to people for most of the day, but it has still been fucking lonely. I have been missing everyone. Old friends, friends from other states, my best friend, Jordan who's in Texas, Sonia who is behind on school work from being sick, Steph who has been working her ass of to support herself because her father wont help out his lesbian daughter, Luis, my godmother, how people were before they changed, people I have made up in my own insane head and now Bri and Jess, who I said goodbye to yet again today. The faces of my past and even those of my present are haunting me. To what I can attribute this, I have no idea.
Besides this I have been better than miserable, even happy at some points. One of the people I miss came back in my life today when she text me, although nothing will ever be the same again.

Black friday shopping was enjoyable and I spent very little money, and what I did spend, i spent on movies I really wanted. I am kinda broke though and I'm considering another job. And I have to do X-mas shopping for my friends... bleh.

I just got back from seeing Inception for the 2nd time with my dad and our neighbor. I dont know what the fuck possessed me to do such, because I hate spending time with my father, and our neighbor annoys me when he gets together with my dad. I have also come to the conclusion that my prior assertions that I wont cry at my fathers funeral, were false. I now believe that there will be tears in my eyes when that man dies. Tears of joy. Every second I am in his presence shreds the very fabric of my soul. Sober or not, I hate the man.

I briefly saw Luis in parson today, I didnt talk to him, but I did at least get to confirm that he is not just a figment of my imagination. Unless of course my frustration with not seeing him for months has driven me to hallucinations. I had a brief exchange with his brother though... nothing exciting. I am curious to what they have heard about me from other sources. I'm sure somebody in the world has outted me to them. They are some of the last people to know. I would have told them if I ever saw them anymore. And they are friendly with John, so I am curious to see how badly he has been dragging my name through the mud.

So here are some things of more artistic value than my ramblings. I feel like these songs apply to an extent in some aspects of my life, and I'm not exactly sure why i wrote the other thing, but there it is.

We hunt for peace within ourselves and seek out love where ever else. I fight for you, but to no avail. Without your touch, my happiness will cease, and my will to live flies away like a flock of wild geese. I crave your heart, but should that fail, i'll accept my place within this hell.

I like the last part of this song a lot.

January would be more accurate. I miss January. But I <3 Taylor!



  1. It can be hard to crack it when you 'mislay' friends in this way. And, what's more, it's something which many of us go through - and more than once in our lives.

    So that's not much comfort is it?!

    But still - movies can be good because like books they tell us about how other people (might) live and how people get on. Mind you some of them are just plain escapist and some so mired in fantasy as to be almost unfathomable.

  2. be like me! i don't get my friends anything for christmas! :)
    it works out pretty swell.

  3. Friends, friends, where are the friends? I've had those swirling feelings of no one around, even when I'm in the midst of so many. Lonely is awful. I hope it passes for you.

    I passed on the Black Friday shopping. I've reduced my shopping to contributing to my dad's presents, and that's it. There isn't any $$ left after that.

    I can't imagine (probably because I haven't read every post in your blog) what brought on your feelings about your dad. I don't think I've ever suggested this, but if it is so hard to be with him, why be with him? But I guess at 18 that could be financial support if nothing else. I'm so sorry for you. It's just something eating at you that all of us wish we could swoop in and fix.

    Peace <3