New Developments?

Hi!
So the visit with the fam was pretty fun. I got better acquainted with some of my 2nd cousins. I really dislike them all, but I had to make an appearance for a little cuz they all wanted to see me. They made it fun for me anyways, so it was okay.
Since then I have been doing most of my usual Utah stuff. I had another big card game and I have been to several movies. Today I saw Diner for Schmucks, it was really good! I also went to Lagoon with one of my friends and some people I didn't really know. Lagoon is an amusement park and they have some pretty good rides and I had a really good time.

My parents are showing they are devoted to changing their ways. Both of them are in detox facilities now and seeing a psychiatrist. My moms been kinda freaking and stuff, and acting really weird, but I think this situation has emotionally scared her. But anyways I'm hopeful this will keep them good at least till I move out. I had to arrange for a neighbor to come get me from the airport cuz there is a good chance they will still be gone when I get back home. I'm kinda excited about possibly coming home to an empty house. It will help me acclimate again. I have lots of parties planed when I get back, an over night trip and a concert. So i prob wont see them much even when they are back... but I will try to be social and at least act forgiving, even though I'm not, just as positive reinforcement.

I also came out to my godmother today and that went well, besides being somewhat awkward, but I always figured it would be just with the kind of relationship we have. Tomorrow I will come out one of the last ones, and then I will be pretty much liberated from hiding behind a mask, except around my extended family. I have a big shopping day tomorrow that I'm quite excited about and I plan on wasting some money!! =D I'm going to have trouble getting everything back home though... there is so much of it!

Love you all lots! I'll post more regularly after I get home sometime.
~Anton

Nostalgia

...it sucks. It (by definition) reminds me of times when I was happier. When things seemed so much better for me, and I didn't have so much shit to worry about. Its really bitter sweet. The 24th of July in Utah is one of the most powerful days of nostalgia for me. I have never been out of this state for that Holiday, and for the past several years I have had a tradition with my friends (IttyK and her sister) of running around like idiots on that particular day.
In Utah, the 24th of July is 'Pioneer Day' which is just to Mormon name for the day they got their statehood. Anyways, there are spectacular fireworks, much better than the 4th of July, and one of the sites they have always shot them off at is just like 3 blocks from where I grew up. So I usually go up that way and meet my friends (this year it was Just IttyK's sister) and we have a good time at the fireworks show. It was so packed this year! I either never noticed it before, or it was a weekend day or something, but it was really cool.

My best friend left for Sweden a few days ago and I'm going INSANE without her. I usually text her from when I wake up to when I go to bed, and she doesn't have texting over seas so I'm not really sure what I'm going with myself and I'm not sure how well I will handle being home without her for a couple weeks. But we did have a fun day together before she left.

I'm kinda excited to go home cuz I really miss my friends there. I'm sure I'm going to party it up a little bit before 2 of them move down south for college. But I also really don't want to cuz of the whole parents thing. My mom was in the hospital again for conflicting medications, and they tried to keep that little incident from me, but one of my neighbors asked me on Facebook is she was alright, and I told her I had no idea what she was taling about. But my dad says "every things returning to normal quickly" and my mother has been painting the house... so I guess that's a good sign. Apparently a lot of what I wrote to her had a negative impact on her, which is good because hopefully its the wake up call she needs... or at least it should hold till I move out, probably next year.

I have been seeing a lot of other people I've known for a long time, and it has been really nice.

Tomorrow my uncle is taking me down to Provo (Mormon central) and were having a family barbecue up Provo Canyon and taking a moonlight ride on the lifts at Sundance, which should be beautiful. Then I'll sleep at his house and in the morning we'll hike Stuart Falls and then float on tubes down the Provo River. I'm pretty excited for all of it except the float... and my family. They are way to Mormon-y for my tastes and would disown me if the knew I was gay. I loath being around them or and even worse, being around them in Provo. I can handle the number of Mormons in Salt Lake just fine... but most of the rest of Utah... not so great. But my grandparents are down south and I actually like the Uncle I'll be with most the time quite a lot. Its the rest of the family that I really want to disappear from existence.

I go back home on the 2nd... so I only have about a week left here, which does make me sad. But I think I'll be okay going home cuz never before have I had such close friends there.

Love you all
~Anton

Oh, and here is another one of my poems I wrote when I was bored, Its happier than the last, but I still don't think its very good. Haha, anyways, here's Jumping Off the Moon:

Higher than Heaven itself.
A cold rock, not unlike my home,
but absent of its trees and beauty.

I look down on the planet where IO was born.
I can almost see my house; my friends.
But I am stuck, on this cold rock, so very far away.

I take a breath; a breath lacking the nourishment of oxygen.
My feet push me off, and I soar through space.
Rocks and satellites fly by my Head, but I can already hear the crashing waves.

The atmospheric gasses are set ablaze around me,
Through layer upon layer of cool, misty clouds I fall.
Birds fly by, singing their songs of welcome.

The wind gently brushes the trees, as the rocks guard the secrets of Earth.
A rabbit pokes its head out of its hole and a dear grazes in a meadow.
My feet touch the ground, and I am home.

I'm Happy... Even if This Post Isn't

People are always preaching their philosophies and ideas like they are god. This is a problem I have with many people; my godmother, any devoutly religious person, my friend Jordan and the person I consider to be one of my closest mentors, Robert Pruitt. Its not something I'd have a problem with except that all of those people speak it like it is scientific fact. I know I do it too on occasion... but it is not something I am all that tolerant of.
People are subconsciously selfish, and pretending that every action they take is for the betterment of society is bull shit. Hell, even the Dalia Lama has his moments of weakness...
Not everyone is going to be changed by these philosophies because the number of them that there are just makes life confusing, especially when most people will defend them to the death. Its time for people to start tearing down their god complexes and allow others to make decisions for themselves.
But that's idealistic. No ones going to do that, not even me... I just wanted to bitch about it, cuz bitching about things is one of my better talents.
So cuz things aren't gonna change in this case, one philosophy I have picked up from one of my mentors that I have been applying to my life more and more is "Its easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission" It helps me be me.

Any who... I saw Inception today which was an exceptionally amazing movie and really put into perspective the nature of reality and demonstrated philosophies out of the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Jordan and I often theorise about... well everything, but one of our favorites is anything to do with multiple universes and how dreams, alcohol and weed are ways to access different universes than the one that humanity experiences the majority of the time. The different levels of dreams and the concept of limbo talked about in the movie kinda gave me some food for thought concerning reality and dreams and different universes. It was really fascinating and everyone should go see it.

I have been writing poetry lately. I'm not very good at it, mostly because i give up half way through out of boredom and rush it. This is one I wrote on my plane ride from hell. Its really emo, and keep in mind I wasn't happy when I wrote it. Its called End the Air Flow... =/

Suffocate me
Oppress me
Release me
I wont stop you
I cant stop you

Strangle me
Drown me
Gas me

Put that pillow over my face
Put your hands around my neck
Put me in my place

Strangle me
Drown me
Gas me

Let the water flow in
100 feet under the surface
Let me go

Strangle me
Drown me
Gas me

Close the door
Start the engine
Just give me that endless sleep

Strangle me
Drown me
Gas me

Suffocate me
Oppress me
Release me
I wont stop you
I cant stop you

So yeah... that was happy. And not very good, but I thought I might aw well share it.

I have been feeling like I'm losing a lot of people who are close to me. They are either moving or changing into things I don't like/don't know how to deal with in a way which will keep us close. That's another reason I'm looking forward to college. 29,000 new people to meet and get to know.

I am also under the impression my parents are somewhat responding to my ultimatum I gave them of "clean up or I'm leaving." They have supposedly dried up and are starting counseling. I know they will want me to go too... which I'm hesitant about cuz I'd only want personal therapy, and I have nothing nice to say about them in an environment like that. It would be a lot of arguing and little progress.
~Anton

Camping... Kinda

Helloooo...

So camping didn't exactly happen as planned. The sites were full, so we went on a hike of Friday instead of camping and went to the park and chilled. That night we watched The Crazies and Zombieland. Both were good! and pretty scary, well... the 1st one was. Then we slept in the tents in the back yard and today we went on a hike in Mill Creek Canyon which is GORGEOUS! One of my favorte places... It was lots of fun. Then we just laid around a bit. Its been somewhat awkward, at least for me, with IttyK... But it has been really nice here, except I really miss my friends and I wanna party with them when I get back. I also have a little trip kinda coming together for the 2nd weekend I get back which I'm pretty excited about.

I saw Despicable Me. It was pretty good, and Robin Hood wasn't bad. My allergies have been killing me here, which is one thing i don't have to deal with back east.
I have been busy and I ha vent had much time to write good posts, but I try to keep you up on anything important.
~Anton

Back

Hi!!! sorry that I've been gone forever. I didn't really have the time, energy or Internet access to post while I was on the est coast.

My trip there was alright. It was far worse than any other NSLC trip i have ever been on, but it was still a beneficial experience. We did a lot of work concerning our vision for the future. A lot of it seemed counter productive to deciding on a specific path, but I also was helpful in a lot of ways. We also had very little group bonding time, which has always been the best part of any of these trips. We did have a dance at the end which was pretty fun, and I was introduced to Zumba, which is a really fun exercises that I am going to start doing when I get home. We also saw the Washington monuments at night, which I have done before, but was still fun. We also went to Baltimore Harbor where my really good friend from a previous trip and I did some shopping, got hit on by some old hobos and had a nice diner.

I was the last to leave the conference, which just sucked, then the lines in the airport were RIDICULOUS. and when i was drooping off my bag it was over weight so i had to move stuff to my carry on, go through the line again, it was still over weight, so i had to go through that long line a 3rd time. Then security line was long and i forgot to take my laptop out and they had to run all my stuff though again. on the plane i got yelled at cuz i took my computer bag out of my carry on and i cant have 3 bags, so i had to put it back, but then it wouldn't fit over head, so i had to get back to the front which pissed everyone off and give it to the flight attendant who totally bitched me out. then my ipod died in like the 1st 5 minuets, and the airplane movie/music sucked. and they ran out of the food i wanted, so i didn't like mine, and i spilled ice on me when we hit this pocket of turbulence, and the old lady 2 seats over sneezed in her tomato juice and it hit everyone in the area. and there were a billion loud and annoying kids on the flight, including right behind me. and i sat right by the engine where its really loud. WORST TRAVEL DAY EVER!!

Then as soon as i got here things got better. I was greeted at the airport by IttyK and her sister and we went to their house and had cake, and then I came back here to my godmothers house, ant I just felt totally relaxed and at peace with the world. Yesterday wasn't so good. I was in this endless cycle of self loathing, disgust with my existence and remembering things I didn't want to. It was really miserable, and i have been experiencing it on and off for the past little while. Today I seem to be doing better. I am spending the afternoon with some of my best friends and I plan on having a really good time. Friday I'm going on a camping trip with them and I really need the get away from modern society.

Over all its a billion times better than being at my house. I haven't talked to my mom much, besides to check in a couple times and give her an ultimatum that if both of them aren't in A.A. by the time I get back, I'm moving out.

I will be posting more often now that I'm here, but still probably not as much as usual.
Love you!
~Anton

Heading Out

Hey!! Sorry it’s been a while... it’s been busy.
So I'm leaving in about 13 hours for Washington DC!!! I'm really excited; it should be so much fun! Worst part is that I have to get a ride to the airport with my dad... It totally sucks having any interaction with either parent, both keep acting like things are totally acceptable, which pisses me off. I have made sure I have kept things tense with my mom, she needs to know how pissed I am, but I also am holding back to not make her drink more. I'm sticking to my conditions that both of them have to be totally sober and in A.A. when I get out, or I will find a roommate to get an apartment with... I will remind her of it a couple times while I'm gone, and we will just have to see what they do.

Let’s see, we had a little mud hut party the other night. It was just a couple of us, and no John, so I was kinda really sad about that. I went to see How to Train Your Dragon with Luis the other day. It was really good!!! Then I went to see fireworks on the 3rd and 4th. They were really good, and both nights the people I was with had tons of illegal’s, which were really loud and cool, and scary... I almost got hit by a few of them. Fortunately, I'm a ninja. =)
Both nights John was supposed to come, but wasn’t able too, which really sucked, cuz I wanted to get drunk with him before I left... oh well... I will when I get back. I decided I really don’t want a relationship, but I want John... IDK.
A lot more has happened, but I can’t really think right now, and I gotta go pack more... But I will keep you updated on anything big!
~Anton

I Gots Mah Hair Did!!

Haaay!!
I'm so happy with my hair! It looks really cool! Which it better cuz including the cut last week, i spent about $175 on it!


Here is a kinda close up...


And here is me failing at my attempts to be cute...



Haha, I got hi lights through out, low lights in the bangs, and the tips of my bangs darkened.. it took like 2 hours, but it was pretty fun.

Dad went to work today, which was a shocker, cuz he got pretty drunk last night. I left him a note for when he gets home thanking him for not going totally over board, cuz he needs the positive reinforcement.
My moms sobered up quite a bit today after reading my letter, so hopefully it will get her in her place till I can find someone good to move into an apartment with.

Now imma go shopping with some friends and then have a mud hut party tonight, probably without John, but a boy can hope...
~Anton

College Orientation

Hey!
So orientation took so much energy out of me, but it was fun! Night before it started I got 4 hours of sleep, and the the stay over I only got 5, so I'm quite tired now. We kept really busy!
First day was terrifying, even if I went with 2 friends. It was so new and confusing. We spent several hours in lectures about school policy and things we need to know for our time there. Most of those were pretty boring, but some were really interesting. We also had lots of skits done by the orientation leaders concerning stuff we need to know... they were pretty stupid, but kinda funny. These 2 alumni guys came in and did some improv for us, which was pretty fun. We also had a lady come in to talk about stereotyping and prejudice. We did this activity at the end of her intriguing lecture where we had a specific group of people, and in small groups we had to come up with every negative word we could think of associated with that group. Then we hung them up and went through and crossed off the ones that we thought shouldn't be associated with the groups based on meaning behind the word/appropriateness of it. My group happened to be Gay and Lesbian, so it was interesting when I told everyone in our small group I was gay. That evening we had a social that was incredibly lame...
Day 2 (today) was mostly lectures and a tour of UNM. I met some cool people there. There was one cuteish gay boy, and at check out there was this really cool girl that my friend and I were chatting too. The whole experience was really good, and totally got me excited for college and helped with some of my fears.
I also got registered for 4 classes, all with a friend, and I will sign up for one more soon.

When I got home the house was a bit of a mess and my mom was passed out drunk in the guest bed (where she still is). She got really mad at me last night because she didn't remember it was an over night trip. I'm gonna write her a letter to make my point, because I thought the drinking was over, again,and I'm just gonna tell her this is it and I'm probably leaving to live downtown when school starts and that she has lost all of my respect. Should be fun... but after I move out I don't plan on having much of a relationship with either parent. I have been making some limited small talk with my dad... I don't like it.

Good news is that I leave in 6 days!
~Anton

First Day of College? ...kinda?

Hello!!
It has still been kinda slow around here, but that will be changing very soon. A week from today I'm leaving for DC, today and tomorrow I have orientation at UNM, and in between I have a mud hut party, a 4th of July party, hopefully a hike with Luis and other shenanigans with friends, plus some stuff or school and whatever.
I'm hoping orientation will be fun. I got up way too early though... I don't need to leave for another hour, and I have been up since 4... haha, I'm smart. Its over night, but I have a couple friends going and it doesn't look too bad. I think it will really hit me that I'm starting college during it, cuz I will be on campus from 8am this morning to like 2pm tomorrow.
I made $40 from my mom for doing this online training thing she had to do for work. Yay spending money!
I'm going in on Thursday to get my hair finished, I CAN'T WAIT! Its gonna look super cute for my trip.
It has been 'kinda' rainy/stormy here. Not NEARLY enough for my liking, but I will take what I can get...
I also went on this really long walk last night and now my legs hurt for walking around UNM all day... oh well. haha
That's about it, I'll keep you posted as my life starts becoming more active again.
~Anton

Hair

Hello!
Today I went and got a hair cut... it was looking SO bad! Its okay now, but I need to go back in this weekend and get it touched up in the back. I'm also gonna get it colored again!! I cant wait and I'll post pictures after I do. I *think* it will be cute, but I'm not sure yet... Its shorter than I'm used to, so I don't have as good of an idea of what i want to do yet. I was thinking doing lowlights through the bangs ans highlights everywhere else.
I'm also gonna apply for a receptionist job there when I get back form my summer trips. I love my salon!

I also went to coffee with a friend and that was fun. We had a good chat, even if we were only there for an hour. I'm probably gonna go hang out with my friends later and just chill. A couple nights ago I saw the BIGGEST shooting star ever and like 5 other small ones. It was so cool!!! It was like 5 times bigger than a normal one and a really deep orange/reddish color.

I also had a fantastic time a couple nights ago at my friends birthday party. I love dinner parties! I always have the best time.

I got to give this really cute guy water when he came to my house for a security systems thing and he looked exhausted. He was quite nummy! But that was a few days ago...

Umm... I know this was really short, but IDK what else to say...
good night
~Anton

"Really Really Ridiculously Good Looking Penguins"

... That was the drunk thought that a friend came up with the other night to describe our group. Now, this October probably we are all gonna go together and get tattoos incorporating penguins. I'm excited!!! haha, and no, I wasn't drunk that night, we just stoped by and hung out with our friends that were drunk.

Speaking of alcohol, John got drunk for the 1st time a few days ago, and he confirmed what I had always suspected, he is a very sexual drunk!! His parents also gave hin the okay to party with us, so we will be having a mud hut party soon, and we'll see where things go. ;)
And I'm not sure about Ethan; he left a couple days ago and I didn't really get to see him. We are still talking and stuff, but I'm pretty sure this isn't what I want. Hes sweet and everything, but I have no faith or really much interest in relationships at this point in my life, especially a long distance one. Maybe we will get together or just hook up when he gets back, but I'm keeping my options very open, especially with John. No one has ever compared to John for me.

I have also spent a bit of time with Luis, and were gonna go on a hike soon, hopefully just the 2 of us, and with out his little brother or anything, so we can talk about stuff we want to...

My mom stayed a total of 2 nights in the hospital and she feels good about all the stuff that they found.

That's about it for now. Its been kinda slow around here for the past few days
~Anton

P.s. Dear IttyK,
I'm sorry for going through things that you are fortunate enough to not fully understand. I'm sorry if you don't understand my thought process. I'm sorry for feeling human emotion. I'm sorry I had to be sad that Ethan had to leave. I'm sorry you misinterpret exactly how I feel. I'm sorry if my simply being human hurts you. I'm sorry if my trying to help you hurt you. I'm sorry if you don't see how much I care.

Any who... I love this song, and for me it kinda refers to any of the 3 boys I like now, and my bestie in Utah who first posted this song. I Luvs y'all

My kinda Boy Friend, and Our Really Shitty Situation

Hey Hey.
Okay, so Ethan, the boy I was kinda talking about in my last post, well, we started talking; a lot. He is incredibly sweet and he seems to like me a lot. We haven’t met in person yet, but he sounds cute and said he saw a picture of me, and that he thinks I'm cute. In one of his e-mails, he kinda asked me out. I never gave him a definitive answer, cuz I really would like to meet him first, and cuz IDK if i want a relationship; but anyways, he thinks we are going out, and I'm okay with that for now, but I'm still considering our relationship in limbo.
Now for the super fucking shitty part. Ethan is in the Navy, and they spontaneously decided to ship him out to California for a couple weeks. He leaves really soon, and neither of us are sure if we will have time to even meet before he leaves, although both of us are trying really hard to figure something out. Also, by the time he gets back, I will be gone on my summer trips, and by the time I get back, IDK how much time we will have together before he has to leave again, cuz he is supposed to sometime in August.
We had made plans to meet this week and have a 'sleep over' at his house and now that has probably been postponed a couple months. If we don't end up meeting before he leaves I’m defiantly keeping my options open if something else comes along. I like him, but I'm not entirely okay having a boyfriend who I haven’t met in person yet.

In other news, I'm a terrible person! My mom spent last night in the hospital for observation after going to the E.R. for heart palpitations. I’m kinda sad, but I’m much much more broken up about the Ethan thing. How terrible is that? But I figure she will be fine.... so IDK.

Today, for father’s day, I've barricaded myself in my room and I’m not intending to have a second of face time with my monster of a father.

So yeah... every time I find something that makes me really happy, It’s taken away before I can enjoy it. The universe is always raining on what utopia I can find in my life...

~Anton

Improvements

Hello!!
So I convinced my mom to dump her booze for the "sake of my dad." Things are still pretty tense between us... but I'm moving on with my life. My aunt also offered to come out from Cali to get me and take me back to live with them. I have really good support through all of this...

I am also having a mud hut party tonight with most the usual people, plus some new ones; including Jordan's new boy friend, who seems pretty cool, from the little interaction I have had with him.
John is also coming over. Maybe. I think the only way I will really drink at all tonight is if he can stay over and does himself. In that case I'd put my money on us at least making out... IDK, he seems like a slutty drunk. lol. But I doubt he will even come over, let alone be able to stay, his parents are too strict.

There are also new prospects with a new boy! I'd bet there is like a 5% chance of ANYTHING happening, but it actually made me excited. Anyways, this came about from talking to this one girl on that game, Balloono, that I have mentioned a few times. Her boy friend is in the navy and met this one guy who lives in my city of all god damn places in the world! Hes 18 and gay and she said she will get me his e-mail so I can kinda start talking to him, and maybe set up a date or something. I am not even hopeful I will get his e-mail, let alone that he will be responsive, or interested, but its something new, which I haven had in a LONG time. I will keep you updated IF anything happens, which I doubt, so I probably wont end up mentioning him again. =)

That's about it...
Talk to you soon!
~Anton

Taking Turns

Hey guys!
So yesterday was kinda my birthday celebration wit my neighbors (Luis, his sister and younger brother). We went to see Prince of Persia; it was good! Then we got pizza and doughnuts. Then we had a mud hut sleep out (alcohol-free. They aren't drinkers, and I never had my opportunity to ask Luis alone if he wanted to) and watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was also good for me cuz Luis likes to cuddle a bit when he sleeps, and I was right there. =) Also, I discovered that he has an amazing 6 pack. He is so fucking hot... even if I don't really have a shot with him... HOT DAMN!

Today I think I will be spending time with them again, unless there worthless father makes them do something pointless. I like their dad about as much as mine.

Now, on to my parents. My dad has been pretty good as far as I know. Mother, on the other hand has been hitting the booze pretty hard. I have already Left her a note telling her to "Grow the fuck up" and that my dad doesn't have a chance to stay sober if she keeps drinking. Today she was too drunk to go to work, so I'm going to tell her I'm moving out permanently for college (which I may or may not really do, IDK yet) and probably go stay with a friend till she gets her shit together. I HATE BOTH MY PARENTS SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!

Thats about it I guess...
~Anton

6 Months, 100 Posts, 100 Things About Me!

HELLO!!! So 6 month ago to the day I started Anton’s Haus, and I'm really happy with where it stands in the world of gay blogs. This is also my 100th post! So to celebrate I will do the typical '100 Things About Me' thing that a lot of bloggers do and just tell you things that you may know already, or may not, and some things I feel or think and whatever... so yeah, enjoy!

1. Anton is my middle name
2. My dad and my grandfather have the same names, so I’m a “the 3rd”
3. I was born in Salt Lake City, Utah
4. I lived in Fitchburg, Wisconsin for 2 years
5. I lived in Grand Junction, Colorado for 3 years
6. I have lived in New Mexico for 5 years this August
7. I am an only child, and I can’t decide if I like it or not
8. I am a devout Atheist
9. I figured out I am gay last October
10. There are very few girls I would go straight for, but there are a few… I still consider myself gay though, just not as gay as some
11. I have gone to 3rd base with a girl, but only 1st with a boy
12. I have fallen ‘in love’ multiple times with my friend John, but I am currently moving on, although I would go for him if he asked
13. I also like a (probably) straight boy named Luis
14. I like younger guys
15. I typically, but not exclusively, like white boys
16. I’m short, only 5’ 7”
17. I weigh about 125 pounds, so I’m quite skinny
18. I want to build some more muscle and start doing more physical activities
19. I dislike my body/face/hair
20. I can’t sing
21. I named my blog in honer of "Haus of Gaga"
22. History is my favorite core subject in school
23. I have greatly considered teaching for a career
24. I have also considered politics
25. I’m a Democrat, although I still need to register to vote
26. I don’t do school sports
27. I have severe self-esteem issues
28. I mask it by projecting a big ego
29. I keep most things I think t myself
30. My group of friends in New Mexico is mostly me and 4 girls, plus some other people who aren’t quite as close as us 5
31. The person who I’d consider my best friend lives in Utah, we have met in person once to see a movie with IttyK and her sister
32. I had 2 (unofficial) godmothers who were lesbian partners
33. One of them died on February 28, 2008, but I’m still close to the other
34. I graduated high school with a 3.73 GPA
35. I love to travel
36. I have been to Thailand and the Dominican Republic
37. I was also in Puerto Rico and Japan for a few hours each
38. I really really wanna visit and maybe live in Europe
39. I’m part Czech, Swiss, Norwegian, German and British
40. I have a dog, 3 large tortoises, 7 box turtles, 1 baby box turtle and a Tokay gecko
41. I LOVE Lady Gaga… if she asked me to kill myself, I’d happily do it without hesitation
42. I don’t really care how long I live, to me it’s all the same in the end
43. I have a mud hut that I made with Luis and Noelle (form Dark Orchid)
44. I was drug/alcohol free up until my last semester in high school, besides a few drinks in Thailand
45. The first big concert I went to was Green Day
46.I am going to the University of New Mexico this fall, if everything goes according to plan
47. I drive an Audi 100
48. I have never been pulled over… although I almost was a few days ago
49. I have been to about 20 states
50. I want to either live in Northern Europe (probably England) the Pacific Northwest, New England or Canada
51. I would also consider living in Louisiana, Georgia, Florida or somewhere close to the equator in the Americas or Asia
52. I dislike at least 80% of my extended family
53. Friends have always meant more to me than family
54. I don’t have faith in relationships
55. I was in a 2 ½ year relationship with a girl in middle school until I moved
56. I have 210 Facebook friends
57. My favorite liquor is Brandy
58. I Like typical ‘gay’ fruity drinks more than liquor
59. I like to read, but I don’t do it very often
60. I LOVE the rain and clouds and cool and humid places
61. I don’t have a job, but I will get one soon
62. This summer I am traveling to Washington D.C. and Utah
63. Balloono is my favorite online game… play it!
64. I suck at most things I enjoy doing
65. I don’t usually give people second chances
66. There is a good chance I’d chose to be on the bad side if there was an epic battle of good and evil
67. I love to shop!
68. …Except for shoe shopping
69. I was born on June 8th, 1992
70. I don’t like either of my parents, and loathe my dad above anyone else
71. I have 895 songs on my iPod
72. I have terrible handwriting
73. I have terrible grammar and spelling
74. I like to write
75. I’m pretty good at talking in front of lots of people
76. I can’t speak any other languages fluently, but I can understand some Spanish from living in New Mexico and I have taken French and Chinese
77. I have terrible joints that I inherited from my mom
78. I have never broken a bone or had a real surgery
79. I need to get my wisdom teeth out soon
80. There is very little I like about myself
81. I’d give anything to live someone else’s life
82. I’d also settle for starting over on mine
83. I have a sword collection… idk why, I don’t really like them
84. I don’t have a favorite food
85. Black and white are my favorite colors, but I really like most of them… except orange
86. Glee is my favorite TV show
87. My IQ is 138
88. I like photography, but suck at it
89. I regret most of my decisions I make/have made in my life
90. I’m really logical
91. I’m generally apathetic
92. I like hiking
93. Burger King and Taco Bell are my favorite fast food restaurants
94. I like going to fancy places and acting like I belong there
95. Eating out is one of my favorite things
96. I want a boy friend, but at the same time I kinda don’t
97. I used to play the violin
98. The longest I have stayed up for at once is 56 hours
99. I have been on the radio, had a news paper article written about me, seen Barack Obama twice, met the governor of New Mexico, 2 congressmen, a 3rd party presidential candidate (Bob Barr) some musician my parents like (I can’t remember his name) and the lead singers for Thriving Ivory and Company of Thieves. And maybe some other people… IDK
100. I want a cat

Haha, so there you have it! I will do this every 100 posts, so… yeah!
Have a good day/night
~Anton

Living off Fudge

Hello!!
So today has been slow. I have been in my room all day again. By the time I got up my dad was already awake and on the computer, and my desire for food hasn’t yet been great enough to even walk past him to get to the kitchen... So I have been snacking on fudge until he takes a nap and I can go eat. Hopefully soon cuz I'm hungry!

I didn’t go to the party yesterday. My friend I was gonna go with had a change of plans. So I ended up playing foot ball with some of the neighborhood kids, including Luis, and played at the park a bit. He was all gross from working with his dad, but still super cute... I think like him a lot, although not as much as I ever did with John, cuz I’m still 75% sure Luis is straight and I’m not letting myself fall that hard again; especially if there is such a minuscule chance of it ever working out between us. We watched a movie after the park and all of that, but before that he showered and came back in basketball shorts and a tank top.... HOT FUCKING DAMN!!! <3

Tuesday we are gonna see like 3 movies at the dollar theater and then have a mud hut sleep out and get pizza and stuff. I doubt he drinks, but I will offer some rum that night and see if I can possibly get him a wee bit drunk and try to open him up a little. If not, it should still be a fun night!

I may have a mud hut party with my other friends tonight, but I will be sober for that if it happens. I’m slowing down on the bad stuff and saving it for special occasions. I’m not doing it for me, but more for all the people that it bothers... I don’t really care much for my life cuz I will end up in the same place in the end anyways and I believe I will have NO awareness of how long I was alive or what happened or any form of consciousness what so ever... but I hate being the cause of other peoples unhappiness.

Oh, and late last night I heard from 'Peacock' as I used to call him on here after 2 or so months with no contact. He wanted to make amends and say sorry and offer us some of the stuff he ended up keeping. He doesnt want back but he just wanted to end on good terms. It was nice.

That’s about it for now. I love you all and I will continue to try to not get arrested!
~Anton

Let Down

It has been so-so being home. I still haven't seen either parent... which is pretty nice. I hid in my room yesterday when my dad got home for work and when I left the house I went when he was in the bathroom so he didn't see me, and then I waited till he was asleep to come home. He is at a neighbors house today, but I've still been in I'm room... I don't wanna be around when he comes back.

My plans to have a fun day with Luis fell through today cuz his piece of shit dad took him to work, but I talked to his sister and we are gonna do something later this week.

My alternative plans tonight are to go to a big party. There are a lot of people and I don't know most of them, but it sounds fun. It would probably be me Jordan and 1 other friend. I will offer to be DD though, cuz I don't wanna be messed up at a party like that. I'm still hesitant to do so anyways, and hopefully Luis will get home and we can go to a movie tonight.

I also had a police encounter yesterday. He was gonna pull me over (I think) but I lost him by turning into a neighborhood as soon as I saw him flip around and put his lights on; I just kept going like I didn't see him (he was quite a ways back) and like I was supposed to be there. I'm super terrified to be on the streets cuz I keep thinking there is a man hunt out for me, but I'm a paranoid person like that. I have said for a long people should not let me drive... I'm terrible at it! I have made a mid-year resolution however to drive better!

Besides that and a little friend drama, that's about all that's going on right now.
~Anton

The Return Home

This is my first post in nearly 2 weeks that I have been able to do from my desktop in my room. It has been hell using my outdated laptop for my Internet life.
I have yet to encounter either parent. My dad has been back at work and is still detoxing. One of my conditions of me coming home is that he is either 100% sobered up, or stays the night in a detox facility or a hotel, and my mom has followed through on communicating that point. I have no intentions to talk to him for probably a week, besides the BARE MINIMUM and maybe a "I'm not talking to you yet." He knows he really doesn't have a shot of fixing things with me. Ideally, I'd still like him dead and gone, but hopefully leave a little life insurance.

Tomorrow I'm hopefully spending the whole day with Luis and his family, although I still gotta talk to them about the specifics. I'm giving up going to Pride just to be with him... Plus, I'm guessing Albuquerque's Pride isn't all that great...

Now I'll share with you the BEST birthday present I have ever got. I didn't post it on the laptop cuz it fails at life and I didn't want to over load it. But anyways, here is Lady Gaga's music video for Alejandro, which came out on my birthday!!

I love the social commentary of the gay soldiers that some people interpret as her message that "Don't ask don't tell" should be repealed, but I see as her calling on the gays to stand up for the rights we deserve.

Have a nice day!
~Anton

My 1st Day Being a 'Legal' Adult

Hey guys!!!
My birthday was good!! One of the best I had in a long time actually. The night before i actually turned 18, my friends threw me a party! It was small, but really sweet. I had cupcakes and balloons and all sorts of nice stuff. I got $40 from them and Jordan got me an awesome Lady Gaga poster and one that was supposed to be Glee, but was actually Cars, it was just the same color so he got the wrong one. I think its really funny and intend to keep it!
John was there and we had some really really good conversations. I discovered how much more I like him than Jordan, but I still wont let myself fall for him again. I could, but i wont.
I got pretty high at my party, 2 friends got drunk and one stayed sober. We walked around and listened to music and played with a black light and a star machine that projects laser stars on the ceiling. We also went on an adventure to a park and i got really confused, but had fun. I really needed it! Although I thought I was gonna get a lot more messed up. Its pretty good I didnt

I think I'm planing on going home on Friday finally, and I will just isolate myself from my parents. I have imposed on my friends for too long. Luis and his family want to take me out and have a good time Saturday, and I'm super excited for that!!! John also thinks he could be gay...

I have had a LOT to think about with the conversations I have been having with one of my closest friends. Its somewhat agonizing cuz she wont tell me this thing she is trying to keep and I really really wanna know, but I am still not mad like I would be with other people. I guess its true friendship, which i don't experience with lots of people cuz I'm just a cold person.

I love you lots
~Anton

My Mom is SUCH a Push-over!!

Okay, so everything has changed... yet again. Something compelled my dumb ass mom to go back home today. Apparently my father has sobered up at least somewhat and is seeking help. He wants to go to AA meetings, he has secured his job, he has seen a psychiatrist and is gonna get further medical help and maybe go into rehab. Apparently he said how hes sorry and doesn't really remember much that happened in a full 3 day period and was devastated and how he know it doesn't fix anything. He said he understands if my mom still wants to leave him and if I don't wanna came back. My mom has decided that with his attempts to get help she is willing to go back, because he has never tried this hard before. I, on the other hand am completely apathetic to any of his feelings and remorse. He has been fucking up my life for at least a good 13 years and this is my final straw. I still want him to die... a lot!!!

The only things that could bring me back to that house is my mud hut and Luis. I hate everything else, the location, the people in it, the house itself... I would have to have a lot of conditions and probably never have a stable relationship with my dad again... especially while I'm there. He understands that. It would also be temporary, a year tops. Its still so difficult to even consider going back. My mom and I talked a lot over lunch today and she knows how I feel.
What the hell should I do? Right now my choices are to go home, get my own place which would be expensive or go to Utah which would also be expensive.
My friend said I can stay her for a while if I need to, and there is not a chance in hell I will go back home within the week. He plans on calling me tomorrow for my birthday but I have no intention of answering. He fucked up my birthday last year too by drinking.
Before I can decide anything I'm gonna take council from my dads oldest brother, my favorite aunt, all of you guys and my god mother.

Jordan is being a bitch, he has been flirting quite a bit but he is also trying really hard to get with this other guy... so whatever. Hes hot and really awesome, but I'm a lot more okay just being friends with him than I was with John. Its still annoying.

Today is also my LAST DAY BEING A MINOR!!! I turn 18 tomorrow and honestly I'm not exactly happy about it. My friend who I'm staying with and her mom are making me a cake and then tonight were gonna go get fucked up in my friends garage. We also got our hands on this star machine that puts thousands of laser stars on the ceiling that move around and it will be sooo cool when were high! It should be a good time and i really really need it.

Love
~Anton