My Life is Over, I Want my dad to Die, Most Important Changes of my Life

Hey guys, I have more to say than really can be said. Right now I’m sitting in a hotel room with my mom and I spent last night on Sam’s bedroom floor at sobbing my eyes out. But I will catch you up on the past few days... when things were still good.
I went shopping with Steph ant it was AMAZING! Shopping completes the gay boys soul... at least this one. I spent $144.66, which is about what i wanted to. I got a Lady Gaga bracelet, some epically Gaga-ish sun glasses, a Lady Gaga shirt, 2 graphic tees, two V-necks tees, 2 pair of pants and a couple pins, none of the 2 stick men holding hands and then one that says " lets get one thing straight, I'm not." It was such a good time and I couldn’t have been happier, except if i was able to spend more money.

The sleepover at my house was fun, although one unnamed guest was a TOTAL buzz kill and caused a lot of problems for all of us. But overall i still had a very good time

I did not go the rave, because it cost $20, and I’m broke, and I was too tired for the after parties...

My friends grad party was awesome! I got wasted and had a great time with everyone there! John was there and really cute and i met a few other people who are pretty cool.

During all of that I had a days long epic fight with IttyK. We are okay now, but i was sure our friendship was gonna be over.. I have so much to say on this, but i have so much worse shit going on in my life.


OK, SO HERE IS THE BIG PART. THE OTHER DAY I WENT TO PLAY BASEBALL WITH MY NEIGHBORS AND HAD ABOUT THE BEST TIME EVER, ESPICALLY WITH LUIS THERE. WHILE I WAS GONE MY DAD DECIDED TO FIX THE LEAKY SHOWER IN THE BATHROOM. TO DO SO HE HA TO SHUT OFF THE WATER AND ENDED UP BREAKING A VALVE AND CUT UP HIS HAND AND SHIT. HE NEVER CALLED ANYONE, SO WHEN MY MOM CALLED HIM TO CHECK IN SHE ENDED UP NEEDING TO CALL A PLUMBER.
THE WHOLE THING STRESSED HIM OUT AND AS I PREDICTED, HE STARTED DRINKING AGAIN. MY MOM WAS MADDER AT HIM THEN EVER, AND WAS PLANING ON LEAVING FOR THE NIGHT. LAST NIGHT I DECIDED TO SLEEP OVER AT A FRIENDS CUZ I DIDNT WANNA DEAL WITH EVERYTHING, AND BEFORE WE WENT NIGHT SWIMMING AT JORDANS. HE HAS A NICE BODY.
THIS MORNING I CAME HOME AND BASICALLY JUST WALKED AROUND CUZ MY MOM WAS IN MY ROOM NAPING. MY DAD GOT UP AND WAS EATING. HE WAS LEAVING THE PLACE A MESS AND LEAVING STUFF OPEN. SO I WENT INTO THE KITCHEN AND WAS CLOSING STUFF. IT WAS GETTING HARDER TO BREATH AND I WAS GETTING MORE AND MORE AND MORE PISSED AND SLAMED THE PANTRY DOOR.
HE TURNS TO ME AND COMES AT ME AND WAS LIKE "DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM?" AND IM LIKE SOBBING AND IM LIKE "YEAH, I DONT WANNA DO THIS AGAIN!" AND WE KEEP SHOUTING AND HES COMING AT ME AND GETTING IN MY FACE AND I DONT REMEMBER THE WHOLE CONTENT BUT I WAS LIKE, "I SHOULD KILL YOU, YOU FUCKING LUNITIC!" AND HES LIKE "PLEASE! DO ME THE FAVOR!" AND TAKES A SWING AT ME THAT I DODGE AND I GRAB SHIT INCASE I HAVE TO FIGHT HIM, JUMP OVER THE COUCH AND RUN OUTSIDE. HE LOCKS ME OUT AND IM FREAKING SO I CALL 911. THE COPS SHOWED UP AND GOT IN THE HOUSE AND START TALKING TO HIM AND AT ONE POINT HE CALLS ME A 'WORTHLESS UNGRATEFUL SHIT-HEAD" AND SAYS HE COULD KICK THE COPS ASSES. I WAKE UP MOM AND SHES READY TO KILL HIM AND FLIPS OUT.

SO NOW WERE GONNA STAY AT A HOTELK AND SOMETIME THIS WEEK WE'LL GO GET ALL OUR STUFF OUT OF THE HOUSE AND MOVE INTO AN APPARTMENT. IM ALSO THINKING ABOUT GETTING ONE OF MY OWN WITH A FRIEND, OR MOVING BACK TO UTAH TO STAY WITH MY GOD MOTHER.
MOM THINKS MY DAD WILL KILL HIMSELF, BUT IM NOT THAT HOPEFUL... IF THINGS WERE TO BE IDEAL HE WOULD DIE AND WE WILL GET LIFE INSURANCE, BUT IM GUESSING HE DOESNT HAVE THE BALLS TO KILL HIMSELF, BUT HERRE IS NOTHING I'D LIKE MORE.

that’s about it I guess. I'll keep you posted on everything though... love you all.
~Anton

Happy?

Yes, I'm actually quite happy now!
I finally got rid of my grandparents, my parents are back to work, and I have been enjoying myself.
Yesterday I got coffee with a few of my friends and then chilled with them at one of their houses, and just did the usual. I did however find out that 2 friends have hit my car! The 1st was a friend who was learning stick and I had parked behind her on a hill and she rolled back trying to start it. But I didn’t even know and no damage was done on either case... I'm just done parking by any of my friends! And I'm really wondering if the stereo type that women are shitty drivers is true! lol

Today I spent most of the day downloading and listening to awesome music! I added 138 new songs to my collection today! I also found an awesome new band that I already love and have never heard of before. Their name is Within Temptation. I also ran to the store to get a prescription for my mom and on the way back I almost hit a wall when I was checking out this SUPER CUTE skater boy. We also had a census worker come and ask us questions cuz the post office lost our form; she was really nice.
I was supposed to go to the movies with these friends, but they are super flakey, but I'm ok with it cuz I don’t wanna spend too much money.
I missed out on an opportunity to see Luis today, but that’s okay too cuz I still enjoyed myself.
AND GLEE WAS GAGA THEMED TONIGHT!!!!!!! I'm unable to describe how excited that made me! IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!

IttyK is mad at me because I wont tell her something that will make her 10 times madder… Its kinda funny and sad all at once.

I'm sorry if I don’t post often in the next few days... I'll be super busy.
Tomorrow I have a shopping date with Steph
Thursday I have a party/sleepover at my house
Friday I’m going to a Rave
Saturday there is a party/sleepover at one of my friends for her grad party
And Sunday we're doing to Albuquerque's shitty excuse for an amusement park

That’s about all that going on that I can think of today... Here are some songs I like:


This one is on the radio a lot, but I think it’s really nice and I love Demi and We the Kings, so it’s a super good combo for me, and the video is cool! I wish I were there with them!


I love basically everything P!nk does anyway, but this song is supper good and I like this performance from the Grammy's.


This is some of that group who I really like! Its so pretty!
Good night
~Anton

Spite!!

Hello!
So today I went to that grad party for that one girl i really don't like and thought about trying to make peace with. It went well, and I had a pretty good time, especially when we threw her into the pool. I admit i did go just to spite her and eat her food and such, but it was alright and i think i may be able to kinda tolerate her now. Success.
When we met up to carpool there my friend that drove backed into my car. No damage was done, but I'm gonna give her shit for that forever.

Yesterday night some of my friends went to a big party and got super wasted and had some fun stories about it. I decided not to go mostly because the people who were throwing it hate gays... and I'm pretty happy with that decision after I heard some of the stories.

I have been wasting most of my day playing a game called Balloono on omgpop.com. I highly recommend it!!

GRANDPARENTS LEAVE TOMORROW!!!! I'm so Happy about that!

That's about it, sorry its been so incredibly boring the past few days...
~Anton

Coffee

Hi,
So let’s see... yesterday was pretty shitty for the day part. I was so bored and I totally feel like my grandparents have overstayed their welcome. But I did have a grad party in the evening and It was pretty amazing. The food was good, the people were entertaining and there was fun stuff to do. We played ping pong and a super intense card game called Egyptian Rat screw. Then we had a watertight and I totally owned everyone! After that we went to go chill at my friends house/the golf course/ taco bell. One of our friends who lives a ways away was also there and it’s really fun whenever she can come cuz she is crazy. But yeah, I didn’t get home till 4:15 this morning.

Today I went to Taco Bell/coffee with two of my friends and caught up with them for a few hours. It was really relaxing and I enjoyed getting out of the house and away from all these people who I HATE.

I really wanna be in Utah right now, I could use a change of scene, although IDK if I could deal with some of the people just at this moment, I’m feeling rather high strung.

I owe a thank you to Noelle for the apology, although I know it will happen again eventually, I still appreciate the effort to make nice.

I am also far less interested in Jordan than I thought I was. I'm more interested in him as a friend than a hook up or summer romance.

I think that’s about it for now.
<3
~Anton

Just Dance

haha... I don't have much to say and I couldn't think of a title name, so I just named it after the song that is playing.

So my grandparents are staying till Monday now! they were supposed to leave today but my parents convinced them to stay longer.... FUCK MY LIFE!!! They bug me so much!
I have a bunch of grad parties this weekend though, so yay!

I have to talk to IttyK sometime about our stuff cuz I told her I would... but I lack the motivation or the thought clarity to do so.

Went to the mall with Jordan and the group yesterday and had a pretty good time.

I'm going shopping with Steph Tuesday or Wednesday! I'm so excited, I love her! Shes the one from graduation who I kinda connected with.

I have money too! I'm gonna save most of it for college, but, I do plan to have some fun with it! Its still less than I expected for graduation though... *sad panda*

I FUCKING HATE MAY HAIR!!!! GAH!

Love
~Anton

Taos

Hey guys!

The trip up north went better than expected. Yesterday was amazing, and today was... tolerable.

Yesterday I went to school to pick up my diploma super early and it was sad and I really miss it. Then I got home and we headed out up north. We drove to Taos and had lunch there at this great sandwich shop and went in a ton of the other little stores. They had some really cool stuff and I got this beautiful candle that I'm dying to light tonight. And I saw some amazing art! It was also overcast and really pretty.
Then we went to this huge gorge with this bridge over it and it was pretty cool. If I would ever jump to my death, that would be a good choice (not saying that I would, of course!). It was cool cuz the wind was really strong in the middle of it and it would shake when I car went by and it felt cool! It scared my dad a lot, which made me laugh.
Then we drove around to Red River where we were gonna stay. We got this super cute cabin for really cheap and it was in this beautiful spot! I got to hike and run around in the woods which I haven’t done in FOREVER! We also had a private fishing pond that my parents and grandparents got to fish in. I was forced to catch one under threat of not leaving for dinner if I didn’t. After like 10 minutes I did and I screamed a lot and didn't enjoy it at all... poor fish! lol

I REALLY wanted Luis to come and he wanted to. I could have used his cuteness and company, but I will camp with him this summer. ;)

Today we ate at breakfast a really shitty restaurant. Then we went on a drive and parked by a lake that I walked around and I think I was bear tracks. Then we went to a candy store and I got a TON of awesome fudge! I can’t wait to eat it all! =) Then we drove back to Taos, went to an Indian village and looked around and it was pretty nice. There was an awesome graveyard there. We ate at this really cool restaurant for dinner on the way back and they have this prickly pear frozen lemonade which is hot pink and super delicious! Then we got home and... here I am.

That’s about it, but I do have 2 songs...

This one is one I listen to when I need motivation to keep going. I am persistent (despite my suicidal tendencies) and this song really speaks to me. It’s really appropriate around graduation time as well!


and this is how I feel right now about my situation with my friend and... yeah, it hits it pretty well. =/

~Anton

GRADUATION DAY!!! (Reflections Pt. 3)

'Bout time I posted finally, eh? haha, this will be a long one too...
So I will give you the 411 on graduation before I get into all the other shit I have to say.
It was fantastic! The whole process started yesterday with rehearsal. We just practiced our entrance twice and were done pretty quick cuz we did so well. Last year apparently sucked, so the organizers were happy. I sat pretty close to some friends, and this one girl who I knida know from government, but I will talk about her later. Today we got there a bit early, mingled, I saw a ton of people that I love, and a lot of teachers I really miss/ will miss. We got seated and went outside for our grand entrance. We had about 820 or so graduate this year and 754 people walked today. The entrance went well and the speeches were all really good except for the superintendants one. I hate her guts and want her to die. Also this stupid old member of the school board went on about how important god is to being a valuable person, which pissed me off mucho. Two speeches however reminded us that high school isn’t the best time of our lives, so that gave me some hope. Our commencement speaker was my Government teacher and that was cool, he’s a really good (and fairly attractive) man. Then they called all of our names and took like 10 pictures of us on the way up (I'll post some later). I succeeded in not falling so I was proud! It took an hour or so to get through everyone. One girl fake fell on the stage, it was pretty epic. Another tried to hijack the mic from a vice principal, but kinda just made a fool of herself. At the end everyone flung confetti in the air and it was really pretty and a good finale to high school! I gotta go pick up the actual diploma tomorrow morning, but I'm just excited to be back at that school, even if it’s for a little.
Here is our class song, just the Glee version of it cuz it’s more high school-ish... CLASS OF 2010 IS THE BEST!!! XD


On a similar note I have been to a ton of super amazing graduation parties this past week and that should continue for the next two weeks. It is great cuz after I get to spend time with my friends, and we have a limited amount of time left together so I’ll love every minute of it!

The rest of this will be about people for the most part.
First off I’d like to sincerely thank Tman for his continued support and encouragement, especially after my last post when I was so distressed.
Second, Ben ended Ben’s world, but I still talk to him quite a bit on facebook and texting and stuff.
JJ is back!!! I will re-put-up his link soon. He has some restrictions on his blog and what not, but it is good for him and I am happy about it.
IttyK, I know I kinda pissed you off with my formspring answer, but it’s just how I see things and feel about them. It wasn’t meant to hurt you, but… yeah.
Noelle, Idk. You are oblivious to what it means to have manors or decency. You have lost my respect.
I have decided to try to make peace with this bitch. I hate her, she doesn’t like me. But we don’t really know each other well, so I’ll try to be nice with her cuz it doesn’t really make sense cuz we are quite alike.
My god mother has been helping me deal with my parents. It is a HUGE comfort to have her.
Now, that friend from government that I was talking to at graduation: I got to know her a bit during the school year and really enjoy just being around her. I started to find out who she really is talking to her during graduation stuff. She confided a secret in me she has told fewer than 5 other people, thus completely earning my trust and respect, especially cuz of what the actual secret is. We also talked about a lot of other things, some personal, some just joking around. We talked about our mutual attraction to Jordan too. Sometime in this conversation I realized she is one of the 4 or 5 girls in the world at this point in my life that I know that I would consider going straight for (although one of them is Lady Gaga, so IDK if celebrities count). I am always open to the possibility of a relationship with a girl; I’m just much much more attracted to guys. I really like her and enjoy being around her and we have made plans to party and shop this summer!

My parents are oblivious to how pissed I am at them, and I don’t wanna bring it up with the grandparents here though. I am kinda happy they are visiting cuz I don’t have to deal with my parents so much, but they still annoy the hell outta me. Tomorrow we leave for an overnight trip to northern New Mexico. I’m interested to see how it goes being in confined quarters with 4 people I dislike for so long. IDK if I will be able to keep it together, but I’ll try like hell.
~Anton

Work: So I have never held a paying job, which I would change if I could, but it’s not something I beat myself up over like some other things. I have done a ton of volunteer work however with both community service projects and working on the Obama campaign. It will really help my resume, and I'm happy about that.

Travel/Hobbies: I did plenty of travel and I am very proud of that. Although I can’t get enough of it! I never really had one hobby I was devoted to, but I'm ok with that too.

Romance/Relationships: So I had a whole post about how depressing this aspect of my life was/is and how pissed I am at myself for it. I cried the whole night cuz of the stuff I wrote and couldn’t bring myself to post it, so I deleted it and... yeah. FML!!!

Reflections Pt. 2

Today has been one of the worst in a LONG time. 1st off my friends canceled on me for like the 3rd or 4th week in the row for coffee. But it all started with last night though. My mom was in bed and called me in when I was walking by to go to my room. She bitches me out, yet again, for the job thing and then went off about my car... But it was all made up bullshit! I posted on facebook " My parents can suck my god damn dick! I'm soooo done with this Bull Shit!!! >='( " cuz I really want one of my aunts to ask me about it and get them on my side. Then people commented and whatever asking “why”, and I don’t wanna re type the whole incident just now so here is the other bit I commented on facebook explaining it:
"I don’t know where to fucking start with them! Maybe 10 years ago when they made me move from Utah and they knew how much I loved it there. I Hated living in Wisconsin and I was suicidal in Colorado. I literally had the pills I was gonna OD on in my hand, but I pussed out in the last minute. If I stayed in that hell hole I know I would have killed myself eventually. Then I hate New Mexico! It sucks here and they know how unhappy I am, despite how much I try to be happy, but my dad still constantly rubs it in my face!
Last summer, they both decided to shrug off ALL responsibility and turn into alcoholics, they didn’t go to work, and got behind on all our payments and fucking stole $1500 from me, plus another $400 that I didn’t have!!! AND I STILL HAVENT FUCKING BEEN PAYED BACK!
They have 1 fucking kid to raise, we don’t have a big expensive house, we don’t have nice expensive things and my dad is the goddamn highest paid machinist in his shop!!! Why the fuck to they have to steal from their own goddamn child! Oh, and then they fucking have the nerve to say I’m not pulling my weight! We should have enough money to travel and have nice things from all logical viewpoints! THEY ARE JUST FUCKING DUMBASSES!!!
My breaking point happened last night when my fucking mom bitched me out for not having a job when I PROMISED her id get one when I started college! AND they are threatening to stop paying my fucking insurance. They said when I got my car they set up this 3 strike rule and 3 strikes I start paying my insurance, I’m fine with the rule but I DIDNT FUCKING KNOW ABOUT THIS TILL LAST FUCKING NIGHT!!!! They also said I’m on 2 FUCKING strikes!!!!! 1 was the whole thing last Monday, which I’m fine with, I jet my excitement get the better of me... whatever! But the second one NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED!!!! EVER!! THE FUCKING WORTHLESS SHITS ARE MAKING STUFF UP!!! THEY NEVER FUCKING COMMUNICATE EITHER!!!! I HAD NOOOOO IDEA ABOUT ANY OF THIS UNTIL LAST NIGHT!!!! I FUCKING HATE THEM!!!!!"

So... yeah. I have been shaking and crying basically nonstop since last night. I haven’t eaten today and I made myself throw up last night. I spent like 15 minutes just staring in the drug cabinet today wondering how many pills it would take to kill myself. But I haven’t been miserable long enough yet to do such a thing. A bright side though is that Jordan has been trying to cheer me up! Good sign? Idk.
I wanted to post earlier but my connection wasn’t working so I went ape shit on my mouse and beat it to hell, so I had to go buy a new one and come up with a lie for my parents. I also took this money gram to get cashed and at the 1st store they told me to fill out some stuff and take it to another store. At wal-mart they only accept money grams with the Wal-Mart logo on it and told me to go back to the 1st store that was being a bitch. So I'm still broke. Also I broke down crying in both places, but no one gave a shit or even pretended to care... I make it sound like I cry a lot more than I actually do, but I still do more than I’d like to...

When I got back from that adventure my grandparents were already at my house. I just talked to them for like 3 hours till my dad got home. I can’t stand them, they are super Mormons who are ignorant and stupid as hell and push their bull shit religion on me (sorry to the Mormon readers). The only highlight was teaching my grandma to text with T9... she’s like 85.

I have been avoiding my parents all day and I plan to continue. I’m going to somebody who I hardly knows grad party tonight, and hopefully when I'm out I can get my money gram cashed...
~Anton

Social life: It has sucked for most of high school. I was close with my friends here for the first couple years but then grew further and further apart. I had a pretty constant, but distant relationship with my friends in Utah. I didn’t really see them much or have a great time with them. Early in this last school year however, when I came out, I instantly started getting closer and closer to them, and even met one of my favorite people ever through texting. Over my winter trip in Utah I also got super close to my friends there. This past semester I spent more time with my friends than anyone else. It was total make up for my lack of a social life till now. I even started experimenting with stuff.
So, in short, I wish I could have started freshman year being like this semester. I wasted most of high school in this respect and I wouldn’t have been so miserable if I could just take my leas semester of high school and turn it into my 1st.

Reflections Pt. 1

Hey guys. So like I said last week, I’m gonna have a few posts just like reflecting on my school career (mostly high school) and what not.

But 1st, today I basically chilled and went to pick up graduation tickets. I made $30 off my extras!!! I finally have some money!! I also chilled with my friends for a bit and we had a good time, although it felt odd being out of school. I'm pretty sure that in college we are gonna start growing apart like a lot of friends do, but we will also meet new people too. Ooh, also, some of us went to the pound too to look at dogs cuz my parents said I could get one for graduation, if I wanted. I want one, but at the same I'm not so sure... I didn't fall in love with any today, but there were ones I really liked...

Also I have new Formspring questions up now (or will very soon) thanks to those of you who asked.
~Anton

So... Reflections. I have been thinking a lot about the stuff I did and didn’t do in school. I will have a couple little things at the bottom of my posts this week talking about it.
Academics: I'm satisfied with the grades I got in school. I could have done better, but I wasn't challenged enough or motivated enough to do so. I did get a few C's, mostly in math, and I didn’t take the number of AP or duel enrolment classes as I should have. I totally slacked on home work and B.S.ed basically everything, but I did get to the point where I was so good I could get basically A's or B's on everything, which is pretty much what I got in all of my classes. Could I have done better? yes. Do I care? no, I’m going to a state school and I still got a 3.8 cumulative GPA anyways...

Over.

You have changed, for the worse. I can’t get over it, I blame myself. This is my fault.

Hey.
So school is over. I miss it already, it keeps feeling like I’m going to go back, but I never will... Graduation is next Monday. What is probably the greatest chapter of my life is over, and it really wasn’t even so great.

I'm a psychopathic mess. I spent all of Sunday night just crying for like no reason, and the same thing happened yesterday. I also made myself throw up again on Sunday, but I think I'm done, for now at least.

The last day of school went well. It was pretty enjoyable, but very sad. One of my friends was really sad though because her parents are kinda crazy. I did my best to comfort her, but I was a bit of a mess inside that day so I doubt I helped much. Any who, she started her own blog called "Letters To Anton" (yay) and it is really cool, although she hasn’t posted much. I love this girl to death! =) Links on the side.

We went to the Senior picnic after school and there was this HUGE shaving cream/water balloon fight, which I got out of unscathed, but my car got a bit dirty. I didn’t even get to see 1/2 of the people there that I wanted to, but it was a good end of high school thing. We also got to ambush my friend’s brother with water balloons when he was getting home. And we got John too. It was fun. Also my friend who though she was preggers started her period (eew) but yay cuz that would have sucked if she really was!

We went to my house later that afternoon, cuz most of us were gonna sleep over. It was me John and Jordan driving, and we kinda had a race. John was winning by a good half a mile for most of it, so I decided to take a gamble and went out to the highway to try to catch up ground, and when I turn down the street that you turn onto my street from, and I see John at the other end so I speed up and turn down my street. The thing is this one bitch and her fat ass boy friend were crossing in the middle of the street. I wasn’t speeding by more than 5 mph, but I think my sharp turn scared her, and John and Jordan did the same thing behind me, but we all slowed down and went around them. But anyway they come to bitch us out, which I was okay with cuz I shouldn’t have been racing in the 1st place, but I did kinda get them to shut up by pulling the J-walking card and I just told them that " I know I shouldn’t be speeding but I was just excited to get home on my last day of school, and that I expect people to cross at the cross walk where they are supposed to cross, so drivers can see them."

Then we had fun showing John and Jordan our tortoises cuz they hadn’t seen them yet, we had burgers that my mom made for us, and then started drawing on each other with high liters and painted the walls of the mud hut with UV paint cuz we had black lights so that night the walls and our bodies looked SOOOO FUCKING COOL!!!! It was light up all crazy and was awesome!

I stuck to my word about not drinking, but I did get stoned off my ass. It was super fun with all the neon stuff on the walls, I kept feeling like I was in space or something. It was relaxing and fun and totally the best mud hut party I have ever had!

John wasn't able to stay over, but I was okay with it cuz I am doing a really good job getting over him, although I could fall for him anytime if he started showing signs. I really like Jordan and we get along much better than I do with John. He is here for a few more months, and I don’t have a good enough read on him yet to know if he might be interested or not. I’m guessing not. But anyways, he’s super cute!

I have been cleaning for the past 2 days and it sucks!!! It’s for my stupid bitch ass grandparents are coming for graduation. I CAN'T STAND THEM!!! My doggy is in surgery today to get some infected teeth removed and to fix her gum disease. It makes me so sad to see animals in pain. And I think I’m getting sick. I hate being sick!

This is getting too long so I will go now. And please formspring me if there is anything you wanna know, and I will answer everything honestly, so... yeah.
~Anton

Mothers day...

Happy mother’s day everyone! I hate my mother so I didn’t really do much to make it special for her. I may once I get my fucking $1500 she stole from me back... idk. We did go out to eat at some steak house. It wasn’t very good, but we got free desert cuz my mom sold the manager there a car, there was a CUTE bus boy and there was this funny big black waiter there who was a total flamer.

I got my car a year ago today! It has pretty much given me my social life and any reason to live from day to day.

People are right, I do fight too many battles and I need to pick them better, but I guess I’d rather have the stress from them from the thoughts I’d have otherwise. My mind needs to be kept occupied. I'm talking to IttyK again kinda. We just keep missing each other on facebook and she doesn’t have her phone. She is probably my second biggest cause of stress right now and is usually high up on the list, cuz I do care a lot about her, despite how much we fight. And I also got her sister to kinda open up to me today which isn’t something she does easily.
My other friend from Utah is being too happy. I dislike it.

I think gay prom is off; we have too many graduation parties going on that day. I’m not really that upset cuz I am done with john and Jordan didn’t want to go in the 1st place.

Today things seem like things take forever to do, but a lot of time passes during them very quickly. It’s odd.

Last night I went to Iron Man 2 with Luis. He is sooooo cute! The movie was ok, I liked it better than the 1st one, but I still didn't really care for it.

Tomorrow is it for school!!! I cannot believe it’s over! It’s scary and imma cry. The picnic and the party at my house will be fun though!

Oh, and what is something you want me to post about. It can be anything really, I just wanna post about something you all care about and not just me talking and not knowing if anyone gives a shit. I may not get around to it for a little while, but lemme know what you wanna know!
~Anton

P.s. JJ had to delete his blog. It was fantastic while it lasted. He grew so much while having it and it was a mistake that his parents made making him get rid of it. We will miss you, but you have good stuff going for you and you seem to be happy over all. I’m glad for you, there needs to be happiness in the world (even if it’s obvious happiness isn’t meant for some of us) you brought it to everyone who read you at least once. Thank you and see you around. Good luck in everything you do

1 more day

Monday is my last day of school. It’s only like a half day and then we have the senior picnic, which should be totally awesome. And then I'm having 10 or so people who are coming over for a little party/sleepover. It’s just pissing me off though cuz I have 2 friends who keep trying to get all of these other people to come who I REALLY don’t want there.

Ben and I might hang out soon. I don't understand why he wants to though. I suck. He's sweet.
Jordan is back in town too! I saw him late last night. He’s adorable. But I’m sure he doesn’t like me like everyone else I’m interested in, and who could blame them.

I’m doing a good job of pissing people off lately, but they are stupid and deserve it. I’m right about all of it too... they just have a hard time admitting it until they get hurt. I’m sick of people hurting themselves, but I have smoked more this week than I have the whole rest of the semester, so I'm kinda on the bandwagon; just not as bad as most people. Still... one friend is totally being used by this guy that she thinks cares about him when all he wants is to get into her pants, and I’m sure that she will let him soon enough, and then she'll be crushed. Another is moving WAY too fast with drugs and sex and everything and is gonna fuck her life up. I’d bet money on it and it kills me inside cuz I love her (yes, my song yesterday was for you) and another really good friend is quite possibly pregnant. She can’t handle a kid and neither can her boy friend, but they will probably keep it if she is.
Then, on a less dire level there is the one friend is an eternal idealist and can’t see reality for what it is. One has an ego bigger than mine can be and can’t deal with being wrong. One is totally using guys. One judges people based on superficial or subjective thoughts and few facts or points of view. One puts herself in a bubble and ignores problems. One is self destructive, which is sad cuz I don’t think she realizes she’s one of my favorite people ever.

I know I’m bad, but I don’t cross lines nearly as bad as all of these people, except maybe for being self destructive. It’s unreasonable and stupid.

I don’t think I'm gonna end high school with the grades I want. And I still have SOOO much to do for college. And I’m broke!

I am physically sick. I can’t stop shaking. My heart feels over worked. I’m nauseous and twice in the past 2 days I forced myself to throw up. It relaxes me and I used to do it occasionally back in the dark days of endless misery to relieve some stress. I need to try and stop. It’s bad, but it helps. I haven’t done it in years!

I'm not going to drink at the party thing Monday. I fuck up my body too much anyways.

My world is a total fucking mess, but I’m strong and I don’t really care. I’m just gonna do my own thing, but my tendency to speak my mind starts a lot of wars with people. I just need to alienate myself from them and quietly watch their lives collapse instead of getting involved and pretending I care.

Writing this post has totally relaxed me and helped me realize some shit. I have a ton of shit to deal with, but I just need to care less.
Still… people leave me speechless everyday with the things they do…


Laters
~Anton

2 days left..

Friday and Monday... That’s it. I’m scared. I’m not ready. I'm sad. And I hate people. They suck. Well... a lot of them do.

I don’t have much hope or faith, in myself or other people, some more than others. I'm beyond disappointed with some people, like... IDK. I just don’t know anything anymore, it’s all changing and I’m not sure where it came from. School, friends, people, life... ugh. I have nearly broke down crying today for a ton of reasons. Tests, music, conversations, thinking about my crush (my neighbor), my friend... they have all nearly sent me over the edge today.
[I wrote this like 2 hours ago and since then i have been physically feeling the stress like i did before prom. I cant handle some people! I think I'm starting to cry]

I have officially decided I like my neighbor, Luis, more than John, even if he is straight. I finally decided to name him; "cute neighbor" wasn’t working. So yeah, IDK. I hate how I look. Sooo fucking ugly. hmm...

I blazed yesterday with 3 of my friends. I felt guilty about it afterwards, but it was still super fun during, especially going to the art show at my school that I made my friends go to, cuz John had a piece in there. The art was very pretty!

So the week between when I get out of school and graduation I’m gonna have a series of posts reflecting on my high school experience. I have been thinking about it a lot and it will be good for me to get my feelings out there. It may be depressing though, but I will at least do my best to not bore you with it...

Probably most people won’t like this song, but it’s angry, and how I feel right now.



Be happy, someone needs to be.
~Anton

Dont Cross Me, Bitch! (5 days of school left)

Hey! So I'm pissed right now so the 1st part of this is gonna be me bitching/venting.

I was having a normal conversation with IttyK's (from In which I Vent About Everything) sister today when, out of nowhere, she goes off on me, calling me a "dick face," "superficial," "crude," "pointless because I spend all my time looking cool which will never get you further than the most willing vagina" (she doesn't yet know I’m gay) and that I'm gonna get stranded in some city, being a whore basically. Then she says something about me or someone lying to her and won’t explain it and says I will find out. Then she says something about, IDK... Anyways I told her to fuck off and that was the end of that.
Bitch is lucky she lives 450 miles away cuz next time I see her imma fuck her shit up! I’m ready to burn a bitch! I’m really pissed cuz it came from NOWHERE and she wouldn’t explain herself.

And this mother fucking homophobic skinhead ass hole totally failed at his thesis presentation today! It made me so happy! Hope the ignorant bastard fails!
AND MY FUCKING INTRNET ISNT WORKING FOR ME!!!!!
Ok... I'm done. It felt good.

The rest of the day was good. School went by fast and after school was fun too. We walked around target for a while and kinda played tag. John was there so that was nice. Then me and 2 of my girlies went on an adventure full of balls. Yeah, sounds funner than it was, but it was still fun. We walked around the country club, took some pictures, stole a sign, 3 golf balls, and 17 tennis balls. It was pretty crazy and fun!
I also saw some very nice pictures of my gorgeous 'straight' neighbor at his last track meet. yum.

So here is some new music I like, it helps me calm down and what not, Enjoy:

This is a happy song that is rather pretty… and a hot guy!


And this one has lots of hot guys and it’s a total work of art!

6 Days

...left of school! It’s crazy! I can’t believe I’m almost done!

This weekend had been AGONIZINGLY boring and my internet connection has been sucking worst than usual in my room.

I don’t think that I’m going to have a graduation party cuz I don’t think that many people would go to it, and I wouldn’t bother having one unless I am getting tons of stuff, which I probably wouldn’t. Plus all of my friends are having theirs that I can go to.

I will actually have a birthday party this year though, something that I haven’t done in a long time. I’m haven’t totally decided what I’m going to do yet, but I am leaning towards a 'black' theme. You know, watermelon, fried chicken, kool-aid, ghetto music... all of that. haha... no, I’m not racist, I just enjoy the stereotypical black culture.

I have come to the conclusion that I am an awful person. I know I may not *always* seem like it but I am... Like for instance, I am absolutely loving the spectacle of watching this one friend’s life fall into ruins. It is soooo much fun! Especially cuz most of it is avoidable. But that is really only the tip of the iceberg. If there was this epic battle between good and evil, I'd probably choose evil, just to shake things up. Or I'd choose the side that would benefit me the most, cuz I am a fairly selfish person...

I think too much when I am alone for long periods of time like this weekend. It has been very depressing in my head this weekend, I really want a therapist. It would be a major help for my stress that a result of my fucked up thought sequences. Sigh...

I will post again when my life starts getting more interesting... hopefully tomorrow or sometime this week.
Till then
~Anton

It feels like Sunday...

Hey, sorry again for my failure to post in forever.

My excuse is that I have been working on thesis shit for the past week, basically non-stop. It had completely killed my motivation to do anything else. But I totally kicked ass on it! I have always been pretty good at presenting in front of people, and this time was one of my best, probably cuz I knew the subject so well. I made my teacher start cracking up at one point, convinced a republican bitch that a public health insurance option is the way to go and after class my teacher shook my hand and told my how well I did. It went really well!

I only have 6 more school days! It’s quite terrifying to be honest. I feel extremely stressed and I just wanna go on a hike in the mountains and never come back!

I am planning on going to another prom. PFLAG is having a gay prom in May and I am planning on going with a big group of gays from my school, including John. I’m totally done trying to make things happen with him and I’m not even going to go with a date, unless someone asks me. I am somewhat interested in Jordan however. He was kinda the "gay of the group" before I started hanging out with my friends. He moved to Texas and I've only met him a couple of times. Last time I saw him he had a boy friend, but since then they broke up, so... we'll see where things go... He will be in town soon, and will be here for gay prom.

On top of that I watched Sherlock Holmes last night with my gorgeous straight neighbor, it was very enjoyable! I kinda view my relationship with him as being similar to Kurt and Finn, for those of you who watch Glee. The only difference is he doesn’t know that I’m gay/interested in him, and I’m not at all gorgeous like Kurt... but I’m still not 100% sure my neighbor is totally straight.

April went by unbelievably fast!!!
Have a good day
~Anton