Saturday, May 8, 2010

1 more day

Monday is my last day of school. It’s only like a half day and then we have the senior picnic, which should be totally awesome. And then I'm having 10 or so people who are coming over for a little party/sleepover. It’s just pissing me off though cuz I have 2 friends who keep trying to get all of these other people to come who I REALLY don’t want there.

Ben and I might hang out soon. I don't understand why he wants to though. I suck. He's sweet.
Jordan is back in town too! I saw him late last night. He’s adorable. But I’m sure he doesn’t like me like everyone else I’m interested in, and who could blame them.

I’m doing a good job of pissing people off lately, but they are stupid and deserve it. I’m right about all of it too... they just have a hard time admitting it until they get hurt. I’m sick of people hurting themselves, but I have smoked more this week than I have the whole rest of the semester, so I'm kinda on the bandwagon; just not as bad as most people. Still... one friend is totally being used by this guy that she thinks cares about him when all he wants is to get into her pants, and I’m sure that she will let him soon enough, and then she'll be crushed. Another is moving WAY too fast with drugs and sex and everything and is gonna fuck her life up. I’d bet money on it and it kills me inside cuz I love her (yes, my song yesterday was for you) and another really good friend is quite possibly pregnant. She can’t handle a kid and neither can her boy friend, but they will probably keep it if she is.
Then, on a less dire level there is the one friend is an eternal idealist and can’t see reality for what it is. One has an ego bigger than mine can be and can’t deal with being wrong. One is totally using guys. One judges people based on superficial or subjective thoughts and few facts or points of view. One puts herself in a bubble and ignores problems. One is self destructive, which is sad cuz I don’t think she realizes she’s one of my favorite people ever.

I know I’m bad, but I don’t cross lines nearly as bad as all of these people, except maybe for being self destructive. It’s unreasonable and stupid.

I don’t think I'm gonna end high school with the grades I want. And I still have SOOO much to do for college. And I’m broke!

I am physically sick. I can’t stop shaking. My heart feels over worked. I’m nauseous and twice in the past 2 days I forced myself to throw up. It relaxes me and I used to do it occasionally back in the dark days of endless misery to relieve some stress. I need to try and stop. It’s bad, but it helps. I haven’t done it in years!

I'm not going to drink at the party thing Monday. I fuck up my body too much anyways.

My world is a total fucking mess, but I’m strong and I don’t really care. I’m just gonna do my own thing, but my tendency to speak my mind starts a lot of wars with people. I just need to alienate myself from them and quietly watch their lives collapse instead of getting involved and pretending I care.

Writing this post has totally relaxed me and helped me realize some shit. I have a ton of shit to deal with, but I just need to care less.
Still… people leave me speechless everyday with the things they do…



  1. Your world sounds like a disaster right now. I hope you can make it through all this unscathed and emerge on the other side ready to make your way into the rest of the world of life successfully.

  2. Thank you! your words of encouragement make me feel a lot better! Im tough, I will be fine...

  3. sounds troublesome, my best friend is also self-destructive, it's hard to help her but sometimes you just have to pick your battles, some people don't want to be helped and some others desperately need some...
    So pick your battles and hope you got the right ones, good luck with that :]

  4. I like that you try to help people out but like eye said you need to pick your battles. B/c it sounds like you have WAYYY to much on your plate and some of it needs to be tossed.

    Well how about you write stuff down here on your blog to relive your stress rather then the toilet?

    And yes you are right the drinking will just mess you up so more so I'm glad you think it is a bad idea.

    This is a bad storm but I'm certain you will come out of it a smarter person


  5. I'm sorry, Anton, but I know it was stupid but making me feel even worse is only going to make things worse. It's what got me into this mess in the first place. I felt like shit, he makes me feel really good about myself and I don't think when I'm with him. As you can tell. I'm sorry I hurt you, but you know you would do the same thing if you were in my position.
    I still love you! Pinky promise! =]