Friday, May 14, 2010

Reflections Pt. 2

Today has been one of the worst in a LONG time. 1st off my friends canceled on me for like the 3rd or 4th week in the row for coffee. But it all started with last night though. My mom was in bed and called me in when I was walking by to go to my room. She bitches me out, yet again, for the job thing and then went off about my car... But it was all made up bullshit! I posted on facebook " My parents can suck my god damn dick! I'm soooo done with this Bull Shit!!! >='( " cuz I really want one of my aunts to ask me about it and get them on my side. Then people commented and whatever asking “why”, and I don’t wanna re type the whole incident just now so here is the other bit I commented on facebook explaining it:
"I don’t know where to fucking start with them! Maybe 10 years ago when they made me move from Utah and they knew how much I loved it there. I Hated living in Wisconsin and I was suicidal in Colorado. I literally had the pills I was gonna OD on in my hand, but I pussed out in the last minute. If I stayed in that hell hole I know I would have killed myself eventually. Then I hate New Mexico! It sucks here and they know how unhappy I am, despite how much I try to be happy, but my dad still constantly rubs it in my face!
Last summer, they both decided to shrug off ALL responsibility and turn into alcoholics, they didn’t go to work, and got behind on all our payments and fucking stole $1500 from me, plus another $400 that I didn’t have!!! AND I STILL HAVENT FUCKING BEEN PAYED BACK!
They have 1 fucking kid to raise, we don’t have a big expensive house, we don’t have nice expensive things and my dad is the goddamn highest paid machinist in his shop!!! Why the fuck to they have to steal from their own goddamn child! Oh, and then they fucking have the nerve to say I’m not pulling my weight! We should have enough money to travel and have nice things from all logical viewpoints! THEY ARE JUST FUCKING DUMBASSES!!!
My breaking point happened last night when my fucking mom bitched me out for not having a job when I PROMISED her id get one when I started college! AND they are threatening to stop paying my fucking insurance. They said when I got my car they set up this 3 strike rule and 3 strikes I start paying my insurance, I’m fine with the rule but I DIDNT FUCKING KNOW ABOUT THIS TILL LAST FUCKING NIGHT!!!! They also said I’m on 2 FUCKING strikes!!!!! 1 was the whole thing last Monday, which I’m fine with, I jet my excitement get the better of me... whatever! But the second one NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED!!!! EVER!! THE FUCKING WORTHLESS SHITS ARE MAKING STUFF UP!!! THEY NEVER FUCKING COMMUNICATE EITHER!!!! I HAD NOOOOO IDEA ABOUT ANY OF THIS UNTIL LAST NIGHT!!!! I FUCKING HATE THEM!!!!!"

So... yeah. I have been shaking and crying basically nonstop since last night. I haven’t eaten today and I made myself throw up last night. I spent like 15 minutes just staring in the drug cabinet today wondering how many pills it would take to kill myself. But I haven’t been miserable long enough yet to do such a thing. A bright side though is that Jordan has been trying to cheer me up! Good sign? Idk.
I wanted to post earlier but my connection wasn’t working so I went ape shit on my mouse and beat it to hell, so I had to go buy a new one and come up with a lie for my parents. I also took this money gram to get cashed and at the 1st store they told me to fill out some stuff and take it to another store. At wal-mart they only accept money grams with the Wal-Mart logo on it and told me to go back to the 1st store that was being a bitch. So I'm still broke. Also I broke down crying in both places, but no one gave a shit or even pretended to care... I make it sound like I cry a lot more than I actually do, but I still do more than I’d like to...

When I got back from that adventure my grandparents were already at my house. I just talked to them for like 3 hours till my dad got home. I can’t stand them, they are super Mormons who are ignorant and stupid as hell and push their bull shit religion on me (sorry to the Mormon readers). The only highlight was teaching my grandma to text with T9... she’s like 85.

I have been avoiding my parents all day and I plan to continue. I’m going to somebody who I hardly knows grad party tonight, and hopefully when I'm out I can get my money gram cashed...

Social life: It has sucked for most of high school. I was close with my friends here for the first couple years but then grew further and further apart. I had a pretty constant, but distant relationship with my friends in Utah. I didn’t really see them much or have a great time with them. Early in this last school year however, when I came out, I instantly started getting closer and closer to them, and even met one of my favorite people ever through texting. Over my winter trip in Utah I also got super close to my friends there. This past semester I spent more time with my friends than anyone else. It was total make up for my lack of a social life till now. I even started experimenting with stuff.
So, in short, I wish I could have started freshman year being like this semester. I wasted most of high school in this respect and I wouldn’t have been so miserable if I could just take my leas semester of high school and turn it into my 1st.


  1. Hey Anton... I'm not sure what I can say to cheer you up, except to say that I'm sorry things are so difficult for you at home, but, you know, many kids have less than perfect homes... You can count me in that group- of course, that was quite a while back... I grew up in a fairly violent setting, and thought that my family was the only one that experienced that kind of thing. After leaving, and experiencing life on my own, I realized that the reality of most families falls quite short of the mark set by Hollywood... My parents didn't drink; that was left to other parents of friends that I had, but, my dad raised us all (7 kids) on a meager salary, so I started working at age 7... Farmwork was hard, in fact, brutally hard for someone of my age, at times, and I spent many excruciating hours with back problems that, looking back, were probably the result of overwork... They started @ about age 12, and still plague me today, at times...

    I tell you this to give you some perspective. You have made it to the brink of graduation, so, I recommend that you get that job, any job, and do what we talked about before... Procrastinating has got you to this rather unpleasant place... With your own money, you will feel more secure, and will be on your way to living the way that YOU want to live!!

    Forget the pills, and try to focus on the future... I felt, at your age, a tremendous relief to be getting out of the house, and on my own... I was anxious, of course, at times, but I've always had a philosophy about fear, and that is- you generally become fearful of things that are unknown, yet, once you have met the unknown, the fear was almost always unwarranted... My motto at your age was, 'What's the worst that can happen?'

    You're moving on, shortly, to a better life, Anton... Try to forgive your parents ineptitudes... Hating them will only make you sad... They are flawed, like most people. Take the lessons of their example, and live a life that turns their failures into your success. You are smart, I can see that. Don't waste it.

    Make new friends. I couldn't bear to have really close friends in high school, because I was ashamed of the house that I lived in, and afraid that a close friend would see the neurosis of my parents' relationship as a reflection on me, so, I pushed people away, for a long time, rather than face that... Those were not my happiest years, kid... That's why I say that your happiest years are ahead of you- if you will give life a chance... Well, I don't know if that long- winded comment helped at all; I really wish that I could give you a big bearhug, and tell you that you'll be all right... Good luck, young man!! Be strong!! luv, tman<3

  2. Are you OK, kid?? It's awfully quiet here.... luv, tman<3

  3. Im fine, just super busy. I will try to find time tomorrow to post and get back to you more. Thanks for everything, you are a super huge help/comfort.

  4. when i get my apartment you're always welcome to come and stay with me, I honestly mean it.