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Hey everybody!

Things are kinda falling apart, but not majorly. I have been making some kinda bad decisions, keeping secrets and I am having lots of depressing thoughts about love and such. But I’m currently feeling strong enough to deal with everything and be ok.

I am back in contact with my friend who said she fell for me. I am worried about her ability to move on and be ok. Yesterday I pissed her off by telling her to move on and today we are arguing that even if anything ever happened, I’m not a worthy enough person for her. I’m angry with myself and this whole situation that was rather preventable, but I know I will be ok in the end.

I had a really good time with my friends on Friday; they continue to be a great comfort and distraction from bad things.

That’s about all that is interesting for the moment. I haven’t asked this for a while so:
1) Is there anything you wanna know about me?
2) Is there anything I can do to make my blog better?
3) Is there anything I can help you with?
Thanks guys, you’re great!
Peace
~Anton

Thoughts on Suicide...

Hey. I’m really sorry my posting has been irregular lately. I have continued to be busy and my internet has been abnormally uncooperative.

One thing that been on my mind a lot lately has been suicide. Don’t worry, it’s not like I’m contemplating it or anything…
One of my best friend’s-love interests-good friends (I know… it’s complicated) killed himself earlier in the week. My friend is pretty shaken up about it.

Anyways, it got me thinking about suicide. I have considered some of the reasons behind it and how it can often times be reasonable if you really have no happiness and don’t see any in the future. Other times it is a foolish, uncalculated decision that just damages hundreds of people. I have never met this kid who died and only saw his friend once, but it has still had an impact on my life. Death is far-reaching. Although I’m not opposed to it in all cases, I think probably 9 times out of 10 suicide is a selfish decision that people wouldn’t make if they were thinking reasonably.

About 4-6 years ago I was very suicidal. I lived in a small redneck city that I hated; I didn’t have any good friends, besides my girl friend, who ended up moving far away. I also had the biggest problems at home that I have ever had. After I got home from a particularly bad day, I went into my parents drug-cabinet and grabbed a handful of the first pills I saw with a warning on the bottle. I went into my room and lined them all up and just stared at them for a long time. I eventually decided I wasn’t ‘brave enough’ to OD on them. I left them there for another week or so and looked at them every day considering swallowing them all. Until one day I got a call from this girlfriend, that I had broken up with on account of us not wanting to do a long distance relationship, and we talked for a long time and I found enough reasons to not die, at least for the moment. I probably owe my life to that conversation, and although we have fallen out of contact for the past several years, I still think about that incident a lot.

I haven’t had any thoughts nearly that bad since then, and whenever I have a suicidal thought now it’s usually gone in about an hour. Suicide isn’t a good thing except in veeeery rare cases, so if any of you ever consider it please try to come to your senses and think reasonably or talk to someone.
~Anton

Always changing...

Hello everybody!

Saturday night’s party was fun! I ended up with a much smaller turn out then I expected, but I still enjoyed the people that did come over. One of them that did come was a new friend of mine and one of those 5 or so new boys I have been kinda crushing on. Let’s call him Kevin, and he is straight, but I kinda have my doubts about that. He is probably one of the top 10 most gorgeous people ever! He flirts with me occasionally and said last night that if he ever were to experiment he would give me a call... so, a boy can hope. =)

I am also beginning to realize what everyone is saying... John isn't worthy of me.

Anyways, I went to bed at like 7 this morning and slept about 3 hours, which is what I like. I don't enjoy sleep, I’d rather do other things, and spending time with my friends is definitely a good thing for me to do.

If you haven't yet, give to the Haiti relief causes. They need it and deserve whatever we can give them. I have been to their sister country, the Dominican Republic and I have seen how many of these people live. They need help at the best of times, let alone now... I will give you info on a fundraising network I hope to start working with sometime this week.
~Anton

Sorry, its been a while...

Holy shit! It’s been forever since I’ve posted! Well, a few days, but too long. I’-ve been up to a lot and my internet hasn’t been working very well.

So anyways, life has been busy. I haven’t got home from school once this week before 7. Having a social life is fantastic! I haven’t had one this active ever!

Tomorrow I’m having about 8 people over for a party at my house. Yes, there will be alcohol and pot, but I don’t think I will do either. My parents will be here too, so I think it would be awkward for me to be high or drunk with them just downstairs, even though they said I could. (I know… they are idiots)

I got a new radio in my car this week! I’m really excited because the one I had didn’t work and I like driving with music. But the idiots that we bought it from took 3 hours to install it, and put in the wrong one. My mom went to go bitch them out because they cheated us out of like $50 but she didn’t get anywhere. So my dad said will go and threaten to take them to a small settlements court or something if they don’t fix it…
Don’t but stuff from Audio Express!!!

Now for a political rant: I am extremely liberal and volunteered about 100 hours of my time to the Obama campaign in the fall of 2008. It has been a year since he was inaugurated and since Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi have taken lead with a 60% majority in the House and Senate. I am nothing but disappointed. They may have pulled out of Iraq, but we continue to support the endless war in Afghanistan. They don’t have the balls to push through a public option bill in the Senate, even if it means resorting to reconciliation which would allow it to pass on 51 votes, not 60. Their stance on climate change is weak and won’t get us anywhere. Guantanamo is STILL open. The Bush administration isn’t being investigated. CEO’s still have their money from those outrageous bonuses. Education reform isn’t even being considered. In short, prospects look bleak for democrats and the progressive agenda. They haven’t done what needs to be done, and now it’s too late go get it all done. The administration has thus far been a failure. Yes, it’s better than the Bush era any day… but I am still very unhappy with Obama. I really hope he start doing what we elected him for…

For the first time in a long time I have established a lot of little crushes… I am making progress getting over things.
I will try not to take so long to post, but I have been very busy.
~Anton

A little poem

Hey! So Elsa, my friend and one of my favorite people in the world started a blog. It’s at http://atopalilypad.blogspot.com/ go spam her with love or I will disown all of you... jk. but you should deff. go check her out. Here is one of her poems that describes my life perfectly (other than the parts where she says 'nearly insane,' I would take out the 'nearly') haha

I am,
a person,
a being.
I am,
living,
breathing,
feeling,
thinking.

I hear constant screaming.
Inside my head,
and out.
It drives me to near insanity.

I see one million people.
Who are dying on the inside.
And who are crying on the outside.
And it brings me to tears.

I smell a town, a land, a country.
A world.
Full of some kind of fake peace,
weapons just under the surface.
A world.
Full of lies, and believers.
It fills me with immense hatred.

I feel the air around me.
The air that has no control,
over anything,
so unprotected.
It makes me feel incredibly helpless.

So,
I am,
a person,
a being.
And I am,
nearly insane,
crying,
hateful,
and helpless.

good eh?

I have been doing a lot of thinking about stuff in my post Saturday, but I haven’t come to any conclusions yet, so I won’t go into depth.

Hope life is treating you all well, if not, I’m here to vent to if you need...
~Anton

Oh, and if you have anything you yours (photos, poems, stories, whatever) e-mail them to me and i will post them. =)

My Encounter with Drugs...

Hey guys!!!

The past 2 days have been unbelievably great! School yesterday was very relaxed and sped by in what seemed like a couple hours.
Afterschool I went to my friend’ houses, like most days, and had fun chillin till the rest of our group got out. We played Sims 3 and screwed around on the computer until then. It was pretty average, but fun.

We had a party/bon fire/ sleep over thing set up for last night, so after our other friends got out we went over to the person’s house we were partying at and just set up stuff and waited for everyone else to show up. We ended up with 10 people at one point and 7 slept over. Most of my close friends from New Mexico were there, along with 2 new people and John even ditched his swim party to hang out with us. I continue to be emotionally stable around him and I am proud of myself for that.

We had some karaoke so start with while everyone was getting there. The wind was preventing us from having our bon fire, so we all squished into the back of John’s truck and got out some rum and vodka and smoked a hookah. I only had a little rum to drink because I don’t care for alcohol and I am weary of it, considering my families alcoholism problems, but I am responsible. I reeeally enjoyed the hookah even though all that you really get from it is a small nicotine high and some light headedness or whatever. We had a competition to see who could take the longest hit and I won with 26 seconds, even beating John who has swimmers lungs. We realized that the two who could suck on the hookah the longest and best were the 2 gay boys. =)

After we were all light headed from about 2 hours of smoking, and most of us were a bit tipsy or drunk from the alcohol, we got out of John truck to find that the wind had died down. We, in all of our non-sober geniuses, lit a couch and a desk on fire we had acquired for our bon fire and proceeded to roast smores, sing loudly and run around like idiots. Good times, good times…

John and two others left for the night, and another two went to bed early. The five of us left awake went over to the playground of an elementary school to smoke pot. No, I didn’t do it, but after they were done I decided I wanted to, and that next time I will take a hit, just to try it out. I decided that I love the smell of it! It was windy and a really bad night for smoking anyways, so I think maybe it’s good I waited, idk.

We went back to the house and watched Hercules, which got over at 2 am. None of us really wanted to go to bed so we watched another movie, which I need to find out the name of, that was trippy as hell! I wasn’t even that messed up from anything but I was still like “whoa! Wtf!?” through the whole thing… we didn’t get to bed until about 5 am.

At 7 a.m. one of my friends jumped into bed with me for some reason and just laid there for a while, till she went to do that to everyone else. At that point a realized I had a text from one of my closest friends who I love to death, but have a very odd relationship with. I decided to screw sleeping (despite me only having had 2 hours of it) and to talk to her. We talked for about 12 hours straight, which isn’t uncommon, but lately our conversations have gotten rather edgy and sometimes uncomfortable. We yelled at each other for things like me doing a few different bad things and for her doing a little drinking. We argued like usual about who was the worse person or who makes the worse choices and about every other depressing thing you can think of; getting fairly disappointed in each other. I got home at about two and proceeded to have a normal day from that point.

Over all it was a fantastic night and I have obligated my friends to do something like this about once a month now. I am pretty happy with the choices I made and the decisions I have come to. Tonight I am an uncommonly happy person, despite being a bit irritated.
~Anton

1 month - 30 posts

Hey guys! So I've been on here for a month today! It feels like its been longer. This is definitely something i enjoy doing, and i love having people read my stuff and give me feedback. =) I love you guys!

Yesterday was horrid. I continued to have my break down over John, and i ended up having a pretty bad anxiety attack in the school library. It was just after i got out of my classes and I went up there to see a friend. It was pretty emotionally crippling but more of a physical breakdown . It was AWFUL. Then I just kinda talked stuff out with my friend and felt better... well, good enough to go home. I kept getting re-depressed over John and super jealous all afternoon.
I ended up forcing myself to socialize with my parents so they wouldn't ask why i was being all sulky. Then I watched American Idol and laughed my ass off at all of the failures, even though i can't sing AT ALL. I actually felt truly happy after it. Idol heals all! lol check it out, i LOVE this guy...



Anyways, back to life. Today my happiness persisted, even when i was around John. I decided i am happy for him; which is something i never feel for someone who gets in the way of my being happy. I usually want them to be as unhappy as i am, so this is a good step. I even found out who this boy he's fucking is, and checked out his facebook profile. He's cute! Still a bit jealous, but happy!

I'm looking forward to a party with my friends tomorrow. I think i have made a turn around from last time I talked to you, so hopefully it will last...

Laters
~Anton

Emotional Apocalypse

Fuck. My. Life.

So I am still really frustrated with that whole situation with that friend of mine. You guys gave really good feedback. The hardest thing about that situation is the fact that she is out of the country now and it makes things even more complicated in the long run.

Then, I said less than a week ago that I was almost entirely over John. Well it turns out I’m not. Thank god he didn’t make the whole situation with my friend’s boyfriend telling him that I liked him awkward. I'm sure I was over reacting and that he disregarded it.
So anyways, I found out that on or Sunday or yesterday or something he hooked up with some guy... all of the sudden I start feeling the same way I did before Christmas. I was utterly upset and totally jealous, two things I promised myself I wouldn’t about John ever again. I thought I was done with this!!! Idk if I’m just being over emotional again or something, but I am ready to crawl in a hole and die. My emotions are becoming unbearable and I have spent all night bitching to some friends who probably don’t care all that much.

I ultimately blame my relapse to the fact that I hardly know any other gay guys at my school, and none of those that I do know I had interest in for very long, besides John of course. I go to a school with 3,200 people, so I know they are out there, I just need to find them!

I also have a friend who will most likely lose her aunt over night. I hate it when my friends are sad, it sucks! My best wishes go out to her whole family.
~Anton

Yepp... The Sky Fell.

The past 20 hours have been the craziest and worst ever. Everything has changed... again. I thought I knew who I was, I thought I knew what I felt, I thought I knew what I wanted. My life is falling into ruins and it’s not even related to that thing I fear might happen tomorrow with John that I mentioned yesterday.

Last night one of my very best friends (who I hadn’t come out to yet) was texting me about some of my crushes and guessing who I currently liked. I wouldn’t tell her and she eventually asked me if I was gay. I said yes. After not responding for a while she replied and told me that she had fallen love with me. The thing is... i used to really like her, and after visiting with her in Utah over Christmas, i started to wonder if there was still something there. I’m still pretty sure I’m gay... but if ever there was one I would try to go back for, it’s her. I love her... it’s just a question if it’s possible for me to love her in a romantic way. She also leaves on a month long trip to Costa Rica tomorrow, and I will barely get to hear from her. We talked a little tonight and tried to get some sort of closure... but neither of us knew what to say.

Here is the part that will probably make you lose all respect for me. First she’s 3 1/2 years younger than me... I know! Creeper status! Also, for the past, idk, 8 months or so we have been texting a lot. Just for fun we do this stupid flirty stuff and whatever... so now I’m thinking that this could have given her a false sense of attachment towards me. I could have seen this coming from a mile away if I had any brains and could have stopped it. I was too much of a pathetic coward to come out and say I was gay, or even that we shouldn’t do this anymore. Now I Have broke one of my best friend’s hearts as well as my own. I can barely live with myself!

The last girl I liked was this one I met on a trip to Washington DC, and she was awesome... but eventually the feelings went away. Then I became sure I was gay and fell for John. I just got over him and now I have found that one girl who could be worth trying to switch back for. And that’s saying something because coming out has made me happier then I have been in years!

Tomorrow she leaves for a month and I am stuck to deal with a possibly awkward conversation with John, now that my friend’s boyfriend told him how I felt...
My life is a fucking soap opera!

I hope the sky isnt falling...

Hey guys. Sorry if I miss some days... my internet in my room doesn’t work well so sometimes I don’t have enough connection to post, like last night. I don’t like to use the family computer either cuz I don’t want my parents finding my URL even though they found out I have a blog…

Yesterday was a very enjoyable day of school. Afterschool I went over to a friend’s house like usual and played Sims 3 and we had fun. We then had a good time making fun of my friend because we found out her boyfriend had given it to her in the ass… then they pointed out I was gay and we laughed our assed off. Then my friend’s boyfriend kept asking me who I would ‘do’ and then he asked if I would do John so, not thinking, I said yes. He then calls up John who is at a swim team party and is like, “Anton wants to bone you” and hangs up! I am desperately hoping this doesn’t cause any drama, and I am guessing John will think he was kidding or something. Hopefully.

So yeah, here are my philosophical thoughts I had earlier: I realized today, with the help of a friend, that emotions drive thoughts, thoughts drive emotions and both drive actions. We are all just metaphorical tightrope walkers and we are performing a balancing act and if we let either side (of emotions or thoughts) slip, the other is in danger of slipping too, and once you fall you could end up in a world of bad actions, bad habits and general trouble. I know how hard it can be to get back on that tightrope and how much it hurts to fall.

Thanks for the great responses on the post Thursday post! It helped me to give in and tell more people I KNOW about the blog, which is a big step because some of the stuff on here is stuff I wouldn’t tell them normally.

I added a ton of new blogs on the side bar so check them out! (and if you are one of the blog owners and don’t want it up there let me know so I can remove it). I got most of the new ones off of http://btmyb.blogspot.com/ who btw has a great poem on his second blog: http://btmyb.wordpress.com/2009/12/02/forgiveness-work-in-progress/

Love you guys! If there is anything I can do for you, let me know! ~Anton

Life beyond lies

Trust. Its the fundamental piece of any MEANINGFUL relationship. I have a hard time trusting people and i don't trust anyone completely. Mistrust is a defense mechanism and i am afraid of being vulnerable. Afraid of people taking advantage or judging me for who i am. I also have had many accounts where trusting someone has backfired on me and i have been hurt. I have seen time after time that it is not in human nature to be trustworthy. Gossip is part of our social nature. But i still feel guilty for not trusting, because by not trusting i prevent myself from getting close to someone. Since I have come out to people at school I have done a better job at trusting people, but i am scared something bad will come of it.

Anyways... school is continuing to get better and better and i am becoming a lot more interested in other guys. I am also planning on going on a trip to Atlanta next month, and i am starting to raise money for it. Its a good way to occupy my spare time. Its with the group I went to New Orleans with in November and we do some disaster relief work. Atlanta apparently had some bad flooding and It seems like a noble way to spend a week.

So yeah... those are my thought for today. Hope life is going well for you!
~Anton

Dear John...

Hey! So i think i truly am getting over John. I noticed a difference in how i felt around him even from yesterday. My goal is to be over him by the end of the week. Hence the song...



But if anyone is wondering more about where my obsessing over John came from, here it is: Shortly after I realized i was GAY and not bi and came out to my friends we all hung out one night are were putting on henna and just chillin. After my friends parents left we decided to play truth or dare and things were going pretty normal. Then they decided to test if i really was gay, so every time it was Johns or my turn they would have us do stuff with each other; although it never got to be more then making out and lap dances. =/ I had had a crush on John Since school started, but after that night my mind basically out of control and I had fallen for him... stupid, right?!?! Then things got worse after that as i dwelled on it more and more... but i think thats ended, thank god!
I think i had such an over-the-top reaction to my liking him because he was the first guy i had a full gay crush on and the 1st guy i ever kissed. I think I may have even LOVED him. And this all happened a day or two after i came out to them too... and he's SUPER cute! So yeah, thats the stupidity behind it all...

Oh, and Jaykodot had to shut down because of some legal problems. =( Thats now 2 of my favorite blogs gone this week! Sorry to see you guys go, hope everything works out for you!

The Begining of the End

Hi guys! Sorry I missed you yesterday but NOTHING happened!

Today school started again. First day of my LAST semester!!! I still haven’t accepted it yet. Growing up and getting responsibilities sounds very unappealing to me, I have decided I’d like to stay in high school! Other than me being in denial and scared, I think it’s gonna be a great semester! I have good classes with a lot of friends in them, I get out at 12:35 and I have lunch with all my friends. School life is gonna be good this semester!

BTW, i sat John today at lunch and didn't feel anything NEARLY as strong for him as i din before break! I'm making real progress in getting over him!

I have also made a decision to be a self employed tutor and also sell jewelry with some of my friends. This eliminates my major deterrent to drugs (drug tests at work) so idk...

So, tonight I am doing a competition with one of my friends in Florida. We are seeing which one of us can stay up the longest... yes; I know I’m an idiot! I am already tired, which is very uncharacteristic of me, but she said she only had 3 hours of sleep so... =) we also decided to not use caffeine or anything and idk if she will honor that rule but I will do my best to. Hopefully it won’t last anymore then one night! The longest I stayed up at once was 56 hours, but I was really occupied and stuff, so we'll see how it goes tonight. Of course we have tried to do this about 4 times before and things keep coming up so we postpone it, so it may not (hopefully won't)happen tonight.

How have you guys been?
~Anton

...!

Whats up!?
So its 1 o'clock and im reallllly hyper and just spent 3 hours downloading a ton of music to my iPod and now im just sitting around listening to it. Had a great time with my friends at the mall and got some cute clothes from Aero. =) And i also kinda flirted with a really cute boy there, It was fun. God i need to find someone haha =/

I also had the opportunity to reconnect with a really cool friend on facebook that i haven't had a good conversation with in a long tome. Tomorrow one of my really cool friends is getting back in the country and i have REALLY missed texting her!

Here are some of my new years resolutions I've come up with so far:
-be more confident
-be more compassionate
-get a job
-find a god damn boy friend!!!
but im sure i will come up with more.

I am trying to decide if i should come out to my really christian neighbors. I think they deserve to know, but idk if they will be all judgmental. I wasn't even considering it, but it turns out they know John and like him, so idk... i'm sure they will find out eventually anyways.

I have also thought a lot about drugs/alcohol lately. So far i have been a relatively good kid. i only did a little drinking a few times, and the worst of it was in Thailand but my parents were there to supervise me, and I've never done pot or anything. i dont really want much to do with alcohol at the moment considering my parents history with it, but i keep finding myself more and more curious about pot. I think the only reason i haven't done it yet is cuz i was looking for a job and i didn't want them to detect it in a drug test or anything. I still dont know if i will soon cuz sometimes my will-power completely falters and i give into impulses. I promise to try not to, but... idk.

That's kinda it for now... i just killed a scary spider. i hate spiders. New Mexico has TONS of black widows. dont come here.

Tell ppl about me! or dont. whatever. Sorry for all this craziness, but like i said im really hyper.

The Beginning

Heyyy.
Not much happened today besides my flight home getting delayed. Things seem to be ok here, but idk yet. I have officially started a book on my own free will (something i haven't done in ages) and its pretty good. I know one of the authors moms and i got a signed copy, which was pretty cool. Its called Beautiful Creatures and its supposed to be the new Twilight... but i actually enjoy reading this unlike that travesty of a book.

I have a profile now on http://www.formspring.me/Antonhawk so go ask me some anonymous questions on it...

Also one of my very favorite bloggers ,Joey, decided to take a (possibly permanent) break from blogging, which made me sad but i wish him lots of happiness in his choice.

Tomorrow i will give you something more interesting to read then this, but im reallllly tired. Hope you all had a good New Years Day.
~Anton