Pics and Stuff

Sorry I haven’t posted. I have been in the middle of being super bitchy and pissed at basically everyone, and posting is not what I wanted to do.
Yesterday however went well. I had a good shopping trip in the morning and I went to my neighbor’s birthday party and got to hang out with a really cute straight boy... who I have my suspicions about. Plus Friday was fun.

Today was ok. I have been feeling really down and depressed, and all the shit of reality is catching up with me. My mom has been running around the neighborhood all day getting everyone to sign a card for one of our neighbor’s whose husband passed away Friday. He was pretty nice, but I never really had anything to do with him.
Also it seems looks like my neighbors parents (the one who had her birthday party) might be getting a divorce! I Fucking hate the dad. He is a terrible person and it’s about time she kicks him to the curb! Their older daughter ran away to Mexico a few years ago with her boy friend, but she might come back this summer, which I'm happy about.

So anyways, I have some pictures and videos for you. Either me or my computer do something wrong when putting pictures up and as a result some people can’t see them, so I apologize if you are one of those people...


Here is everyone at my house before we went to prom, I’m the one on the very right with the ridiculous hair piece thing... It was much cuter than the pictures show.


Here are me and my beautiful boy that I will never ever have. I don’t care what people say, John is 10X more attractive than I am. But I still think we are cute together! Ha


Here I am with one of my amigas in math on day of silence. I thought I was rather adorable that day! haha


Here is a video that we had to do for my Natural Disasters class. We had to do a report on hurricanes. I got to dress in drag and play a weather girl. It was fun. Oh, and I blame my bad acting on my friends dad being asleep, preventing me from being loud, and the fact that I had to go home so we shot my 2 scenes in 1 take. I’m actually an okay actor.

Now here's some music that I’ve been listening to a lot lately, sorry if you don’t like some of it, I don’t have consistent taste in music...

Silver and Cold ~ AFI


Cosmic Love ~ Florence + The Machine


I Made It ~ Kevin Rudolf


Hope you enjoyed, I will try to post more than I have been.
And remember to formspring me, and if you need it, my e-mail is antonhawk@crawler.com.

With love
~Anton

And is everyone ok with the new color scheme? Let me know if you want me to change it! :)

I'M OUT!!!!!

Hey! First off, thank you for voting if you did so yesterday, I posted it with only like an hour left to vote, so... yeah. But we won by 37 votes! Out of like 17,000. My school gets some much needed money now so it’s really good.

So... Prom. Was fun, NOTHING happened with me and John and coming out went well.
We all worked on makeup and stuff for the girls before dinner. Then we went to Zio's and I paid for John, bring the total I spent on him to like $60. I don’t care though, even though I should. Dinner was good! We had fun and everyone was gorgeous! It made me happy.
Anyways, then we went to my house. I told my parents that John was my date. They acted pretty indifferent and like they expected it. But they were really nice to him and everyone. I have felt awkward around them ever since though... it will pass though. They said they will support me no matter what. Now I just have to come out to my god mother this summer...
Actual prom was ok. The DJ was great and the deserts were good. The hotel was very pretty too... Through-out the night me and John didn’t have much to do with each other and only really danced with other people. But dancing was still fun! I grinded with basically everyone. Alas, it was overall disappointing with John, it was completely expected, and I still had a good time. People slept over after the dance and I was planning on getting wasted with John and seeing where things went, but he was one of the ones that had to go home. Oh well! We didn’t even drink or anything once it came down to it. So we have a big bottle of really nice vodka for some other time. I hate vodka.

Today I dressed in full drag for a movie we made for my Natural Disasters class. I will post it later this week, along with some prom pics, I still haven’t seen the final video product yet though, but I hear it’s AWESOME!!! I had fun in drag =)
Saturday I also made a really cool duct tape wallet. I was proud of my skills.

Let’s see... (500) Days of Sumer was a good movie and My Sisters Keeper brought me to tears! I need to read the book now! It was so good!

This song is fucking awesome! The female vocals are from the lead singer of Paramore, who I LOVE!



"Can we pretend that the airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could rally use a wish right now!"
~Anton

Please vote!

vans.com/customculture
Vote for Rio Rancho High School for the Southwest finalist!!! We are in a dead heat with another high school for $10,000 for arts programs that Vans is giving away!

I have had a super hectic day and i will post about prom tomorrow! I promise!
Spoiler alert: nothing interesting happened... =(

But now the important thing is to vote for my broke ass school!!!
vans.com/customculture

Day of Silence

...went well. I made it until the last 11 minutes i was there. Hardly anyone did it but it was good anyways. I looked freaking adorable!

I saw John tonight... it was pretty normal. I picked up on some signs that he is not interested as i have always known. IDK what the hell I was thinking yesterday. I have no intentions of asking him out anymore. Sanity has come back to me.

TOMORROW IS PROM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAHH!!!!!! sooo excited! sooo nervous! I cant wait! haha. And I'm coming out to the rents!!!

So, I'm wearing a black suit, white shirt and a metallic aqua tie that matches Johns color perfectly. Mine has a vertical wavy pattern and his has diagonal stripes. Then I'm also wearing a Mini top hat hair piece with a black flower, black feathers and a veil thing. Its CUTEEEEE!!! haha
Hopefully my hair isn't a bitch like usual.

Its rainy and beautiful, i love stormy weather!

I'm in denial that it is so close to prom!!! I should be having an anxiety attack, but I'm doing completely fine. I'm not complaining!

That's about it, i wont be posting tomorrow but I will give you the prom dish on Sunday! =)
Laters.
~Anton

IDFK!!! (i dont fucking know!!!!!!!!!!)

Well... I'm doing better physically. I have been able to sleep and I can eat at least a little again. Emotionally however, it’s bad! It’s getting worse that it was last November/December.

I know it kinda seems like I took on too much all at once. But it’s just how things fell into place. This is my LAST chance with the guy I have fallen in love with a couple times and if I don’t do it I will regret it forever. Day of Silence will be fun, I was just freaking out cuz it’s another thing me and John will be doing together. I’m really looking forward to it though. Just the whole John thing is what’s killing me again.

Ugh!!! God fucking damnit, I’m an idiot! I like him more and more every day!!! And he is a total ass. We just got back from prom shopping, just him and me. I spent so much money! Not only did I buy his prom ticket, I just paid $40 of the $55 for the ties we are wearing. We decided to go halfsies on them, and I paid with cash 1st, and I wanted the cashier to give me like $15 back, then John would put the rest on his card. The cashier never gave me my change back and John only paid like $15. I thought he might make it up when I went to go get this super cute veiled hat thingy at Icing and pay the $15 for that... but no!
Besides that, everything went well. Too well? IDK, he was funny and amazing to be around.
On the way back home I decided I really want to ask him on a real date after prom sometime. IDK how I would pay for it, I KNOW he won’t say yes anyways though... but I probably will do it anyways. I am not spending this much time and money on someone I am like, in love with to not go all out. I will be shot down, but at least I will go down fighting for happiness! I’m emotionally fucked either way. This way it will have all been for a reason.
I think he is also coming over to my house for a sleep over after the dance. I’m so conflicted on how I feel about that.

For like half a second yesterday I thought about suicide, which I haven’t done in like 5 years. No need to worry. I’m too devoted to prom to do anything stupid like that. It just seems easier. I PROMISE I won’t though... NEVER EVER!
I did get a manicure yesterday. It was nice.

That’s about it... FUCK MY LIFE!
~Anton <3

Breaking Down

I’m scared. I’m anxious. I’m being absolutely foolish. My mind is enslaving me to hope. I don’t like hope, it always lets me down. This week has already lasted what feels like a month. It either needs to go faster or stop entirely.

I’m stupid for having expectations for prom. But I do. I KNOW he isn’t interested like that, but thinking that something could click between us is one of the few things keeping my going. I offered to buy his ticket today, which is gonna make my go completely broke, but I think that by going all out I will improve my chances. But it won’t. There goes $30. Were going tie shopping Thursday... we're gonna get matching ties. It will be cute and make things go off in my head. I know this is my last shot with John, I know that nothings gonna happen, I’m just making things difficult for myself. It’s STUPID!

I know my parents are gonna be fine with everything, but they are making it difficult and I’m still so nervous. And there will be like 10 other people there with us when I tell them Johns my date.

I’m also thinking about dressing up quite provocatively for Day of Silence, and I keep thinking that something might go wrong with that. At the same time I’m also excited for it! It will be the day before I come out to my parents and it will be coming out to everyone I haven’t come out at school. Teachers, old friends, judgmental ass holes. The timing for Day of Silence is very interesting for everything else going on for me.

I feel sick, from fear mostly. Constant nausea. No appetite except for one time when I kinda binged. I couldn’t sleep Sunday night and only managed 3 last night. I’m gonna take sleeping meds tonight. IDK why I’m doing this to myself. Nothing is really THAT big, and I already know how everything is gonna go. I’m just building up the hype in my head and I will disappoint myself.

My friends are starting to annoy me when we hang out after school. I’m just too on-edge to deal with them. Glee is on tonight though. It makes me happy.
And.. ADAM LAMBERT IS ON AMERICAN IDOL!!!!

I’m lost. I’m a fool. I’m scared.
Anyways, I know it’s hypocritical, but, Be Happy!
~Anton

A Lovely Sunday

Hey hey...
Today was pretty good. This morning was nice and relaxing. My mom made a good breakfast and I dropped several hints that I know that she hasn't repaid me.

Then I went to coffee at my favorite coffee place with a couple of my friends who are now in college. We spent 3 hours there and we are gonna hang out again on Wednesday.

I went to Wal-Mart twice; the first time was for groceries for my mom. The cashier had probably an IQ of 20 and when I was ready to pay was like "Hey man, you hear bout that Poland President?" at which point he made a hand motion of a plane crashing and made a really loud crashing sound. I thought it was quite inappropriate, but that’s what I get for going to Wal-Mart. The second time was to get some colored duct tape for Day of Silence, which is this Friday. I got one that is blue and purple tie dye. It is supper pretty! On Friday I'm gonna tape it over my mouth and write "FAG" on it...

I had a really good conversation with Ben from Bens World today. It took my mind off life and we made some insane plan to fly to London to see Lady Gaga for her next tour. But it is something I would totally do too! XP haha

This evening I watched Fame. FABULOUS movie!!! During it I dot this reeeeally weird nauseous feeling. It was like a mixture of misery and terror. There is no explanation for it, but it’s awful. One of my friends says she thinks it’s an omen of something either really good or really bad. I’m gonna pretend it’s something really good and keep my fingers crossed for prom night! ;)

I am going accessory shopping tomorrow, hopefully with John. If he can go later in the week I may wait to then too. But I want him there cuz we wanna match and it would be easier that way. I’m so stoked!

Thanks for all the comments on yesterdays post! It really put my mind to rest.
Love you all!
~Anton

The end of my known world...

Yeah, it’s a bit dramatic but that what’s gonna happen for me in about 4 months or so.

So like I said 2 posts ago “I have been thinking a lot about growing up and moving on with life and I have decided I don’t want to.” Here it is:

I don’t want to go to college. I’m so comfortable in high school and I may not be happy all the time, but I am content. I like how things are and I don’t want them to change. This is inevitable and is gonna happen far too soon. For me college means constant working on school work or for a job, not having much money or free time, and responsibility. I just see it stressing me out a lot.

After that I have to search out my career and compete with hundreds of other people for the job I will have for the rest of my life. I have to support myself completely and whatever family I find myself having. I’m not ready for college let alone a career.

In high school I have had financial freedom, social independence, a limited work load, the freedom to travel a lot during breaks and all that stuff. Yes I have made what I would consider some major mistakes that I would love to go back and redo, especially with the social aspects of it all, but I’d still take it over becoming an adult. I’m not ready. At all!

For me the future is so bleak. I am about as adorable as I will ever be and I have had really bad luck in the romance department. I’m scared I will never find that person I will love unconditionally and eternally. I’m scared I will fail regarding a job or having nice things, or being able to travel like I would like to. Even outside of a personal basis the future is scary. Our environment is going to hell, there are too many people and more importantly too many idiots. The future is so uncertain and I don’t see our global problems being fixed. I fear my personal world and the greater world are doomed to despair.
This doesn’t mean I won’t try to be happy or make things better, I just don’t suspect I will be successful.

So here I am at the end of all things. My comfort zone has crumbled and I am being forced into situations I’m not ready for. I’m pretty unsatisfied with my life up to this point and what the hell can I do about it? I know I seem pessimistic, but I will give it my best to be happy. This is just how I see things. I’m scared, I’m unhappy and I’m not ready. The best could very well be behind me which is sad cuz it hasn’t been that good, but it’s time to move on and deal with whatever is coming. Happiness is improbable, but I will seek it where ever I go, just as I have always done and I will continue to get those very limited results as always.

Back to 49... =/

Meh! one of my followers left. it was sad. Oh well...

Anyways, about the money situation. Thanks for the advice. I had resolved a long time ago to break all financial ties with my parents when I'm 18. I will close my current bank account and start one of my own and all of that. Until then i will hoard all my cash in my room and lock it up. This whole thing has really given me a wake up call to get a job, and i will start applying Sunday.
Earlier i did tell my mom that i was needing to withdraw $100 or so for prom stuff just to see her reaction. She said she would just give me the money so i didn't have to go through the bother of going to the bank. FUCKING BITCH! gah, she pisses me off so much! Oh well... 2 months till I'm 18.

I wasn't supposed to post tonight cuz i was gonna sleep over at my friends but her dads an ass and kicked us out... so here i am. I did have a very good evening though. I spent most of it with John and other friends. (and Dolphin and Turtle are back together!!!) We were getting along better than ever. He is really excited for prom too and i am keeping my fingers crossed that some magic will happen on prom night... WHICH IS IN A WEEK!!!! He also talked a lot about some of those things that make me jealous/envious /sad. I may be in danger of falling for him as hard as i did late last year again. Its really hard and i cant wait for coffee Sunday to talk to my friends and stuff.

One of my friends is also in the process of fucking up her life or is at least on the slippery slope of doing so. It takes all my will power to talk to her but i don't want to be emotionally involved. I'm an ass and i don't really care. People should know better and be smarter. NOT MY PROBLEM!!!

I also have some new answers on formspring. ASK MORE! or not... i don't care, i just like answering things.
Night.
~Anton

YAY!!! 50 Followers! :D

hey hey! So quite a bit has been up.

We keep going shopping for prom stuff which is super fun, and now I think all I have left to do is accessorize. I am gonna get this one really cute ring and a head band or something adorably queer to wear on my head. When we were at the mall today I saw one of the cutest lesbian couples ever, which I typically wouldn’t say. I’m fine with lesbians; they just tend to scare me a bit. Speaking of being frightened, I was on a walk with my friends tonight and we were nearly attacked be a huge ass spider. I am terribly arachnophobic and was freaking out while they took pictures of it.

I have determined my Natural Disasters teacher is on crack after he ran around the room pretending to be a train one day. We also had the WORST pep rally imaginable today. t-o-r-t-u-r-e.

I want to rip my bitch-ass cunt-face moms head off. About 9 or 10 months ago when both of my parents were drinking a lot they were stealing money from me. I had $1,500 in the bank and when I went in to go cash a check or something last summer they said my balance was about -$450. Today when I went in to withdraw $50 or so dollars for prom stuff I found out I only had $32 dollars in there even now. Fucking bitch never paid me back the money that she took without permission!! And over half was money I raised and the rest was college money. I FUCKING HATE THAT BITCH!!! Tomorrow I’m gonna bring up needing to withdraw money and when she tells me there is nothing in there I'm gonna bitch her out. I'm so pissed!

I am gonna start applying for jobs again this weekend. I also have a coffee date with some old friends Sunday and I’m super excited!

I have been thinking a lot about growing up and moving on with life and I have decided I don’t want to. But I won’t make this post too long so I will save that for another day.
~Anton

.

Im Im not really in the mood to do a real post. I have had a lot going on and I havent been exactly the happiest person ever. But I'm dealing...
Anyways, this really cheers me up. Adam Lambert is one of my biggest celebrity crushes ever and this song is one of my faves(which you probably know cuz i have posted another version before). I found this version and fell in love!
Enjoy:

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

Missed opertunities and new prospects

Yesterday my friends came over and we just hung out and watched movies and stuff. We went on an adventure through these rain drains that are about 2 or so miles long at 9 at night... that was pretty fun and creepy! haha
We were talking about how we are all excited about prom and where we wanna go eat beforehand. Then someone brought up dates and who some others were taking, and John got brought up. They said that he really liked me for about a week or so after the first night in October when we made out and stuff. They had hinted at it before, but he never seemed to show signs of it, that’s why I never acted. So I have been pissed at myself for the past several hours... If I had acted I may have the thing that I really want right now! oh well... I guess =/

The idea that he liked me at one point thought made me excited for prom even more. If I play my cards right I may make him realize he likes me more than he thought and maybe something will come out of it?
Also, our gay friend who lives in Texas and who I have a crush on broke up with his boy friend a couple days ago... He is coming back here in August so I may see what I can make of that situation then.

I’m just taking the bad and looking forward to possible good, even if I’m doubtful that anything will come of either situation.
Love you
~Anton