Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Breaking Down

I’m scared. I’m anxious. I’m being absolutely foolish. My mind is enslaving me to hope. I don’t like hope, it always lets me down. This week has already lasted what feels like a month. It either needs to go faster or stop entirely.

I’m stupid for having expectations for prom. But I do. I KNOW he isn’t interested like that, but thinking that something could click between us is one of the few things keeping my going. I offered to buy his ticket today, which is gonna make my go completely broke, but I think that by going all out I will improve my chances. But it won’t. There goes $30. Were going tie shopping Thursday... we're gonna get matching ties. It will be cute and make things go off in my head. I know this is my last shot with John, I know that nothings gonna happen, I’m just making things difficult for myself. It’s STUPID!

I know my parents are gonna be fine with everything, but they are making it difficult and I’m still so nervous. And there will be like 10 other people there with us when I tell them Johns my date.

I’m also thinking about dressing up quite provocatively for Day of Silence, and I keep thinking that something might go wrong with that. At the same time I’m also excited for it! It will be the day before I come out to my parents and it will be coming out to everyone I haven’t come out at school. Teachers, old friends, judgmental ass holes. The timing for Day of Silence is very interesting for everything else going on for me.

I feel sick, from fear mostly. Constant nausea. No appetite except for one time when I kinda binged. I couldn’t sleep Sunday night and only managed 3 last night. I’m gonna take sleeping meds tonight. IDK why I’m doing this to myself. Nothing is really THAT big, and I already know how everything is gonna go. I’m just building up the hype in my head and I will disappoint myself.

My friends are starting to annoy me when we hang out after school. I’m just too on-edge to deal with them. Glee is on tonight though. It makes me happy.

I’m lost. I’m a fool. I’m scared.
Anyways, I know it’s hypocritical, but, Be Happy!


  1. You know if you keep this up you are going to make yourself sick next

    Just want to say good luck with all the coming out


  2. Why are you doing this all at the same time, Anton?? I'm not sure why you decided on this strategy... It seems like it is just making you unhappy... Let me get this straight... You're a senior, ready to graduate in a few months, right?? Why is it so important to you, to make some grand gesture and come out to people that you may never see again, after you graduate??

    If it's literally making you sick, call it off!! What's the point?? I can see that you feel safe in telling your parents (or so you say, anyways), so why not do that, and just go to the prom stag, with your friend John, and just have fun, w/o all the hoopla? It's not incumbent on you, simply because you're gay, to have to come out to the whole world!! Well, kid, that's my take; I'm a little worried that this has all been just a little much for you!! luv, tman<3 hugs2

  3. hey hun everything is going to be ok that i know and if john isnt into you like that it wasnt meant to be just cant force things like that no matter how much i wish you could. As for the sickness that will always be how it is with coming out no matter how prepared you are. Because its a new step in life and you just cant uncome out. And no matter how much know you are proud of what you are we are still afriad of being jugded. JUst go out live you life the best you can live it good and things will follow in turn. Paths will always open at just the right time

    Love <~Peter~>p.s. sorry for the long wordiness and if i am off