Yeah, it’s a bit dramatic but that what’s gonna happen for me in about 4 months or so.
So like I said 2 posts ago “I have been thinking a lot about growing up and moving on with life and I have decided I don’t want to.” Here it is:
I don’t want to go to college. I’m so comfortable in high school and I may not be happy all the time, but I am content. I like how things are and I don’t want them to change. This is inevitable and is gonna happen far too soon. For me college means constant working on school work or for a job, not having much money or free time, and responsibility. I just see it stressing me out a lot.
After that I have to search out my career and compete with hundreds of other people for the job I will have for the rest of my life. I have to support myself completely and whatever family I find myself having. I’m not ready for college let alone a career.
In high school I have had financial freedom, social independence, a limited work load, the freedom to travel a lot during breaks and all that stuff. Yes I have made what I would consider some major mistakes that I would love to go back and redo, especially with the social aspects of it all, but I’d still take it over becoming an adult. I’m not ready. At all!
For me the future is so bleak. I am about as adorable as I will ever be and I have had really bad luck in the romance department. I’m scared I will never find that person I will love unconditionally and eternally. I’m scared I will fail regarding a job or having nice things, or being able to travel like I would like to. Even outside of a personal basis the future is scary. Our environment is going to hell, there are too many people and more importantly too many idiots. The future is so uncertain and I don’t see our global problems being fixed. I fear my personal world and the greater world are doomed to despair.
This doesn’t mean I won’t try to be happy or make things better, I just don’t suspect I will be successful.
So here I am at the end of all things. My comfort zone has crumbled and I am being forced into situations I’m not ready for. I’m pretty unsatisfied with my life up to this point and what the hell can I do about it? I know I seem pessimistic, but I will give it my best to be happy. This is just how I see things. I’m scared, I’m unhappy and I’m not ready. The best could very well be behind me which is sad cuz it hasn’t been that good, but it’s time to move on and deal with whatever is coming. Happiness is improbable, but I will seek it where ever I go, just as I have always done and I will continue to get those very limited results as always.
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