Well... I'm doing better physically. I have been able to sleep and I can eat at least a little again. Emotionally however, it’s bad! It’s getting worse that it was last November/December.
I know it kinda seems like I took on too much all at once. But it’s just how things fell into place. This is my LAST chance with the guy I have fallen in love with a couple times and if I don’t do it I will regret it forever. Day of Silence will be fun, I was just freaking out cuz it’s another thing me and John will be doing together. I’m really looking forward to it though. Just the whole John thing is what’s killing me again.
Ugh!!! God fucking damnit, I’m an idiot! I like him more and more every day!!! And he is a total ass. We just got back from prom shopping, just him and me. I spent so much money! Not only did I buy his prom ticket, I just paid $40 of the $55 for the ties we are wearing. We decided to go halfsies on them, and I paid with cash 1st, and I wanted the cashier to give me like $15 back, then John would put the rest on his card. The cashier never gave me my change back and John only paid like $15. I thought he might make it up when I went to go get this super cute veiled hat thingy at Icing and pay the $15 for that... but no!
Besides that, everything went well. Too well? IDK, he was funny and amazing to be around.
On the way back home I decided I really want to ask him on a real date after prom sometime. IDK how I would pay for it, I KNOW he won’t say yes anyways though... but I probably will do it anyways. I am not spending this much time and money on someone I am like, in love with to not go all out. I will be shot down, but at least I will go down fighting for happiness! I’m emotionally fucked either way. This way it will have all been for a reason.
I think he is also coming over to my house for a sleep over after the dance. I’m so conflicted on how I feel about that.
For like half a second yesterday I thought about suicide, which I haven’t done in like 5 years. No need to worry. I’m too devoted to prom to do anything stupid like that. It just seems easier. I PROMISE I won’t though... NEVER EVER!
I did get a manicure yesterday. It was nice.
That’s about it... FUCK MY LIFE!
~Anton <3
still alive
-
It's been over ten years... wow! I thought I better log back in cos Google
are closing down old accounts.So I'm still alive, just moved back to
Oxford.... ...
4 months ago
Well, Anton, I just left a nice, encouraging comment, and, sadly, Blogger ate it!!! I don't have time to post it all over, so, I'll just cut to the chase and say- you're going to be fine, and the 2 of you are going to make a handsome couple!!
ReplyDeleteI suggest you leave it at that- fun... Don't put the extra pressure of high expectations on your buddy John... you might end up driving him away!! He's being a very loyal friend by taking this on, already, so treat him with kindness; I'm sure he's a little nervous as well!!
Cool your jets a bit, and take a relaxing bubble bath or something, and try to find the joy and excitement that should accompany this venture!! I only wish that I could be there to see the 2 of you walk into that prom!! Good luck, kid!! luv, tman <3<3
I did get a manicure yesterday. It was nice.
ReplyDeleteDidn't see that one coming only b/c it seemed like a post full of stress. You are a odd one at times.
Remember me on the Silence
Ethan
Your drama sounds kinda like mine except for I have a question for the class have you actaully asked him if he likes you? Or are you just saying that you think he doesn't. But a bath does sound really nice and just go out and have fun love thats what prom is all about. with the day of silence well it has it's purpose as well and ust be yourself you are doing this for you not everyone esle if it doesn't feel right dont do it. don't push yourself just because you had the idea. As mentioned before what do you have to prove to these people who you may never see agian soon. well I think that is all been looking for your post forever Love <~Peter~>
ReplyDeleteWhatever happens you'll remember these times always. It's a great way to finish high school and come out. I'm envious. Maybe dating him will never happen, but you're a good chance to make prom night a night to remember.
ReplyDeleteSo.... how did it go, Anton??? luv&hugs, tman<3<3
ReplyDelete