Thursday, December 31, 2009

Last Post... of 2009 (even though it actually turned 2010 while i was typing this...)

Hey guys!!!!

Here we are, at the end of one of the most interesting years, for me at least. We saw Obama take office (which I spent months of volunteering on his campaign for), the king of pop gave his final performance and we witnessed the "Miracle on the Hudson," among many other extraordinary things. I personally got my 1st car, visited Washington DC and New Orleans for the first time, battled my father and his alcoholism... twice, fell in love with someone who doesn't have reciprocated feelings, started my blog and above all, realized for sure i was gay and came out to my friends.

My last day of this roller coaster of a year, and my last day in Utah =( ended with me spending time with my closest friends, and truly discovering what they mean to me. I think my return home will be harder this time then most others because of this... but i find it to be a good thing, along with sad. The worst part of the day was a VERY close call while driving home from dinner. Some douche almost pulled into us and I would have been hit on the passenger side if we were pushed over even another inch. But I lived and have another whole year ahead of me that i have to worry about surviving now!

Humanity as a whole has many struggles to face and I too can foresee troubles in the year to come in my own life. But I think i am in an adequate mind set to deal wit it though. So to you, 2010, i say: "Bring it Bitch!" haha

Hope your year goes well, and remember, we are all gonna be dealing with it TOGETHER.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Snowy Days, Card Games and Belated Holidays

Today was pretty amazing. I had a relaxing morning and then this afternoon we (my godmother and I) had about 10 people over for an intense card game. I saw a ton of people i haven seen in 6 months and had fun getting my ass kicked! lol. This evening we went to this beautiful house owned be a very well known and connected local artist and activist. We go over there every year for their Hanukkah celebrations, and even though I'm not religious in any way, it is still a nice thing to do.

We also got like 4 inches of snow today which i LOVED! The city is absolutly beautiful right now.

I am in the process of mentally preparing myself for going home in 2 days and getting ready to deal with all the shit that goes on there. I should be busy all day tomorrow having fun, so I should get a bit more emotionally/mentally centered which is something i worked on today.

Oh, I also hope to have a profile set up on this one website i found out about where people can ask anonymous questions that i can respond to. It sounded kinda fun...

Anyways, have a good last day of 2009 tomorrow!!!
~Anton =)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Man Period?

Today was ok. I saw Avatar for like the 3rd time and spent some quality time with my godmother. This evening one of my friends had a bit of a self-esteem breakdown (something I'm familiar too) and I helped her get over it by telling her some things i thought she needed/deserved to know and in the process discovered some new stuff about myself (in particular my feelings).

I have also begun doing this thing i do every month or two, which is, my emotions get the better of me and become stronger and more out of control then normal. Hence the title of this post... haha. A lot of it may have to do with stuff i mentioned in yesterdays post, but as long as i talk things out and focus on distractions it shouldn't last too long.

Tomorrow should be super busy which will be a very good thing. I enjoy being busy. I am also going to start formulating my new years resolutions and make sure i follow them this time!

Hope you had a good day! ~Anton

Monday, December 28, 2009


So today was kinda dull again, saw a couple people and played a card game... nothing very fun. I spent a lot of time thinking about, well everything. Which is probably bad, but its what i do when I'm bored. I over think things a lot and try to analyze them and create scenarios in my head all the time, which all usually leads to me getting depressed about my life.

I am truly unsatisfied with my life. I made some huge mistakes in my past that i would love to change, i don't like where i live, there is the whole John thing, I'm SCARED to HELL about what the future has in store for me (and for everyone else too) and i have major issues about how i look and stuff, even though several people tell me I'm cute... There has been some other stuff that I've been thinking about too, but i wont list it all or i will be here all night.

On the other hand, i am also very happy. Coming out to most people has liberated me and this blog has given me a feeling of being appreciated. I also seem to be getting closer to a lot of my friends...

So pretty much i am an utterly miserable person while being happier then i have been in a long time, all at once! I have no idea what to think about it all... *sigh*

Sunday, December 27, 2009

cool vid

Hey, so I had a boring/lazy day but im really tired anyways and cant think if anything really interesting to post, but i thought this was a cool vid. so check it out...

And one goal i had with this blog is to help you guys if there is anything i can do for you so if you need to vent or hear my advice or whatever feel free =) ~Anton

Saturday, December 26, 2009


Hey guys! had i fun day! I did some shopping and got some cute new clothes. =)
This evening i went to the Mormon temple and see the x-mas lights with a couple friends and we were all emo-ed out and i had guy liner on and looked pretty amazing if i do say so myself! haha. I got sooooo many dirty looks and had a good time.
Don't think I'm intolerant and trying to insult them or anything, i just grew up with them and don't like them for their strong anti-gay rights stance. I think it would be amazing to get a bunch of gay couples to make out on Temple property and have a gay rights rally right on their door step. I'm Still pissed off about the Prop 8 thing in Cali. (if you didn't know the Mormon church was the source if 1/3 of the anti-Prop 8 money)
So anyways, that was my political statement for the week, and I had a great time! =)

Friday, December 25, 2009


Hey! I had a really good Christmas, even though i didn't get much. I went and had a fantastic brunch with my godmother. We had everything from fresh sushi and duck to crepes and quiche! I think i ate more today then in this whole past week... but i could honestly stand to gain a few pounds.
My godmother, who i am staying with here in Utah, is pretty much the person i credit all of mu successes too, cuz with out her and her partner who passed away almost 2 years ago, i would be screwed. My parents did a TERRIBLE job being the mom and dad they should be. My godmothers gave me all the support i needed with everything i did and showed me a direction where i needed it. Its cuz of them I'm not in a ditch somewhere with a heroin needle sticking out of my arm and absolutely no future, cuz that's pretty much what my parents set me up for.
So anyways i have another week here and I'm gonna use it to as much of my advantage as possible... how was your Christmas?

Thursday, December 24, 2009

What I'd like for X-mas...

So i know i keep bitching about being single and all of that but its been what i have mostly been thinking about the past few months... I love this vid because (even thought they aren't together anymore) this is the kinda relationship i would like to be in, in the near future. And they are cute as hell! hope you guys like it too =)

Happy Hollidays! (not merry christmas!)

Hey guys! I had a great day tubing down the mountain and acting crazy in public, i like my friends here SO much more then most of them back home in New Mexico...
Tomorrow should be relaxing. let me know how your Christmas goes!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I Love the Snow!

Hey guys, sorry for not posting yesterday, i didn't have access to a computer.
I try to post something everyday, even if nothing really exciting happened but the past two days I have just enjoyed the Utah snow (such a nice change from New Mexico!) and chilled with some old friends i haven't seen in forever. Nothing very exciting.
Hopefully starting tomorrow my life will start being interesting again so i don't bore you all to death!
In the mean time: what should i change about or add to my blog to make it more enjoyable for you to read? any ideas?

Monday, December 21, 2009

1 Week!

Hey guys! Had a good day learning to dance to Single Ladies with some of my friends and tomorrow were gonna go out and have fun on the town haha. I've been blogging for a whole week today! I think its really good for me and it has made me a lot happier. It really cheers me up seeing your comments, even if its just one or two. I just wanted to say thank you for all that you have given me! you guys are great!
<3 Anton

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Your ?'s answered

Hey guys. So I asked a couple days ago to ask stuff you wanna know about me so here are your answers.
But first i will tell you about my day. Today probably the best thing for my mental sanity happened: i came up to visit my friends and godmother in Utah for the next 2 weeks. Now i have a nice long break from reality and can focus on getting my emotions under control without distractions like John or school. I got to see two of my best friends ever, these two sisters, one of whom i had a crush on way back when... They greeted me at the airport and gave my a couple of very needed hugs and then we went to go see Avatar... again. So now i will get to the questions:
Have you always lived in N.M., U.S.A.? no, i was born in Utah, lived there for 8 years, moved to Wisconsin for 2 years, then Colorado for 3 years and now New Mexico for the past 4 years
Do you like living there? HELL NO!!! there is nothing to do, i don't care for a lot of the people, Albuquerque is too small, its too hot, there is too much sun and not enough rain/snow and its all ugly brown sand with no trees! I cant wait to move!
Have you had the chance to travel much? I travel a bit. I have been to Thailand and the Dominican Republic and places in the U.S. like I went to Washington D.C.and New Orleans earlier this year and i visit Utah twice a year. I plan on doing A LOT more though...
Do you have interests such as hobbies? I like blogging (obviously) and I am very into politics. I also like travel, music and socializing with people... just pretty normal stuff for the most part.
Do you have a supportive family? Friends? I love my friends, they are all very supportive. Most of them are girls or other gay guys and we are all very close and have fun together. I haven't told my parents yet, not because they wont be supportive, but because they are really annoying when it comes to anything to do with relationships. As far as the rest of my family... they are Mormon so i don't think i will be coming out to them anytime soon.
What do you do for fun? Socializing and just hanging out is mostly what i do. I watch a lot of hulu and sometimes play Sims 3. New Mexico has NOTHING fun to do and everything is so far away!
Are you gay or bi? Most my life i thought i was Bi but about 3 months ago i realized i was gay and i am about 95% sure of it at this point...
do you have a BF/GF? Nope. =( never had a boyfriend before but i am actively looking for one. I am also in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way, which sucks! I had a middle school GF for about 2 years, but then i moved...
What is your fav food? I don't really have one. I really like Asian food though, but i eat a bit of everything
What is your fav music? I like a little of everything except screamo or country. Right now my fav artists are Adam Lambert and Lady Gaga.
You said in your (about me) that you were recently outed, who outed you and why? I came out to most of my friends and told them i was sick of being in the closet and pretending to be someone i wasn't... so then it just spread. there are still some people i need to come out to though.

If there is anything else you wanna know in the future feel free to ask. Thanks guys! =)

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Avatar: My Critique

So tonight I went to go see James Cameron's $400 million movie Avatar with this gorgeous boy (who is unfortunately straight lol) and I thought I would give you my opinion of it.
I saw it in 3D, which definitely enhances it, but it really wasn't necessary for it to be breath taking. The animation and special effects were unbelievably realistic and flawlessly put together. The scenery and plant life and animals on the planet (or moon, I’m not sure which) 'Pandora' where the story takes place are so beautiful and intriguing that I was ready to pack up and move there!
The entire cast was also very good. The actors were believable and were clearly very devoted to executing their parts to perfection. They successfully connected with my emotions and drew me in to the movie on a personal level.
Although the movie was a visual masterpiece, the true excellence of the movie comes in with the premise of the story. I will try not to ruin the movie for you but I will give a brief summary. The main character is a paralyzed ex-marine who is the twin of a scientist who died. He was part of a team devoted to studying Pandora which is also being exploited for its rich mineral deposits by a corporation that's operating under military supervision/protection. The scientists on Pandora have developed 'Avatars' of the native people that are identical to the real natives, but are controlled by a human through a genetic connection to the avatar. The main character is brought in to control his brother’s avatar, which he can do because they shared the same G-Nome.
He ends up forming relationships with the head scientist, a pilot and another scientist who are important to him throughout the movie. He ends up getting stranded in the jungle and encountering one of the natives and eventually gets initiated into their community. During this process he brings back reports of his avatars progress to the head military commander, who is given the task of moving the locals out of their home so the corporation can get access to the mineral deposit underneath.
Once he makes connections with the locals, one of them is given the job of teaching him their ways. He begins to fall in love with this native and her whole species. There ends up being a war between the humans and the people of Pandora with much bloodshed. The entire purpose for the attack on the people is the greed of the humans is so great that they are willing to do anything to make a profit. IDK who I’d say is more evil, the top military guy who wants to kill all of the natives or the corporate official who is in charge of making a profit off of exploiting Pandora.
The best part of the movie for me was the way in which the planet functioned. All beings are connected with each other. The beings of Pandora have appendages that allow them to link their minds with all other creatures and plants, which is how they interact with things like their horse-like beings. Whenever the natives kill an animal either in self defense or for food, they thank it and give it a blessing of gratitude and good will for what it had provided them/the life they took. The writers emphasized the point that all energy is borrowed and shared. It came from somewhere before we had it and will go somewhere else when we are done with it. Energy isn’t created or destroyed.
In this world there is a tree that is the center of their belief system. It channels the memories and energy of their ancestors and gives balance to life. I personally don’t believe in a ‘creator god’ but I do believe that we are all interconnected through the energy of the universe. It may not be as strong as the connection of that on the world of Pandora, and we as humans are very out of sync with it, but I believe that it is there. These beings may not have advanced technology or even societies anymore developed than tribes, but they are clearly more advanced then we will ever be. They have found a harmony with the universe that we will never have, and I am convinced that if we were presented with a choice to preserve the harmony or to destroy it to turn a profit, we would undoubtedly make the wrong decision, just like what happened in the movie.
This movies social commentary hit right on and gave me a whole new perspective on the universe, existence and human nature. Not only is this the movie to change the way movies are done, it is my new favorite movie OF ALL TIME! I highly recommend you go see it.
~ And sorry if I lost you at parts, I’m tired and my brain is working rather slowly.
~Thank you to those of you who asked questions regarding yesterdays post, I will put up my responses tomorrow.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Hey! so today was my first day off for break and it was kinda boring. I mostly just sat around the house thinking about life and love and all that good stuff that ends up making me slightly depressed.
Tomorrow will hopefully be a lot better. I'm planing on going to a party or at least a movie with some friends and doing something fun.

So i was wondering if there is anything you guys wanna know about me? It can be whatever; personal, stupid, anything. but id like to answer any questions you might have about me... if there are any, that is. haha

BAD (BRO)MANCE! -Shane Dawson

Hey guys. This is an amazing video from my favorite Youtuber, Shane Dawson. Check him out and subscribe to him if you haven't yet! Hes currently #5 on Youtube but deserves to be #1! Hope you laugh as much as i did!

Glambert on SYTYCD

I thought this was a great performance and just wanted to share it... God that mans gorgeous! haha

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Winter Break!

Hey guys!

Today was the last day of school until January! We had our last finals and I'm sure i failed AP Psych pretty epically, but i should still do ok in the class.

I've thought a lot about John today and as i was in the process of starting this post and wondering what i had to say about him, my iPod switched from "Where is the Love?" to "Love is Dead" so my iPod is obviously trying to make a point. And its right! or at least in this case it is. Its been 3 months and its time to move on... now its just a matter of getting my heart to understand that nothings going to happen between us and that it needs to let go.

As far as the situation with my dad, its still not great but he is drinking less and less.

Thanks for the support and let me know if i can help you with anything =)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


Hey guys,
So i don't have too much to say today. My physics final was rough but only one more day this week to get through until break! My dad is at least sober enough to speak today and i got a cool new phone yesterday.
John is still being annoying, but i guess that's actually good if I'm ever gonna get over him.
All around I'm feeling better then i would expect. Life finally seemed to improve, even if it was only by a little.

Oh! and if you haven't had your dose of crazy for the day my friend Ariel started a blog too. its over in the links section... have fun!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Something to Cheer me up...

I LOVE Adam and this is one of my favorite songs off his new album. Hope you love it too!

Life suckes sometimes...

Hey guys! so here's whats up:

-My dog died Saturday night and it hit us all pretty hard, but my dad who was a history of alcoholism problems started drinking again. Because of this, my mom left to go stay in a hotel last night and said she won't come back until he stops. Last night i left him a very emotional note pleading with him to stop and made my case to him... He hasn't stopped. So my mom won't be coming home tonight and I don't know what to do with him. any ideas?

-I am scared to death about finals and I cant find much time to study. I really want to keep a good GPA for my last year in high school, but idk if its gonna happen...

-This guy who I really, really like, John, is supposed to get me something for our Secret Santa thing that I'm doing with my group of friends. We were supposed to exchange gifts today but he didn't bring mine. In fact he seemed to kinda ignore me all together today. I mean, I know he doesn't like me like I like him, but it really sucked. And i have been apprehensive about what he will end up getting me. So yeah love hurts but i would really like a boyfriend right about now...

How are you guys?

Monday, December 14, 2009

Let me introduce myself...

Hello everybody! My name is Anton, I'm a senior in high school, im 17 and I am gay (or at least I'm pretty sure i am).
The past few days I've been dealing with some terrible stuff. My amazing dog passed away, my dads being a drunk ass hole (again) and I'm basically in love with this guy who doesn't like me as anything more then a friend. I'm making this blog to express my feelings, occupy my mind and maybe help some people out along the way... although I'm not sure yet how often I will post, or what sorta stuff.
So anyways, thanks for reading and lemme know if there is anything i can help you with.
~Anton =)