Alone

Today has been lonely. Yes, I spent last night with friends and yes I have been talking to people for most of the day, but it has still been fucking lonely. I have been missing everyone. Old friends, friends from other states, my best friend, Jordan who's in Texas, Sonia who is behind on school work from being sick, Steph who has been working her ass of to support herself because her father wont help out his lesbian daughter, Luis, my godmother, how people were before they changed, people I have made up in my own insane head and now Bri and Jess, who I said goodbye to yet again today. The faces of my past and even those of my present are haunting me. To what I can attribute this, I have no idea.
Besides this I have been better than miserable, even happy at some points. One of the people I miss came back in my life today when she text me, although nothing will ever be the same again.

Black friday shopping was enjoyable and I spent very little money, and what I did spend, i spent on movies I really wanted. I am kinda broke though and I'm considering another job. And I have to do X-mas shopping for my friends... bleh.

I just got back from seeing Inception for the 2nd time with my dad and our neighbor. I dont know what the fuck possessed me to do such, because I hate spending time with my father, and our neighbor annoys me when he gets together with my dad. I have also come to the conclusion that my prior assertions that I wont cry at my fathers funeral, were false. I now believe that there will be tears in my eyes when that man dies. Tears of joy. Every second I am in his presence shreds the very fabric of my soul. Sober or not, I hate the man.

I briefly saw Luis in parson today, I didnt talk to him, but I did at least get to confirm that he is not just a figment of my imagination. Unless of course my frustration with not seeing him for months has driven me to hallucinations. I had a brief exchange with his brother though... nothing exciting. I am curious to what they have heard about me from other sources. I'm sure somebody in the world has outted me to them. They are some of the last people to know. I would have told them if I ever saw them anymore. And they are friendly with John, so I am curious to see how badly he has been dragging my name through the mud.

So here are some things of more artistic value than my ramblings. I feel like these songs apply to an extent in some aspects of my life, and I'm not exactly sure why i wrote the other thing, but there it is.

We hunt for peace within ourselves and seek out love where ever else. I fight for you, but to no avail. Without your touch, my happiness will cease, and my will to live flies away like a flock of wild geese. I crave your heart, but should that fail, i'll accept my place within this hell.


I like the last part of this song a lot.


January would be more accurate. I miss January. But I <3 Taylor!

~Anton

What is your biggest regret of the past year? What would you say is your biggest accomplishment? What will your new year's resolution be? (I know, it's early for this but I wanted to ask before I forgot)

Biggest Regret(s): Falling outs with Kyle, Brit, IttyK and IttyK's sister, Taking John to prom, *that* party, Not having a boy friend, Ben, I could list quite a lot here, but those are the main ones

Biggest Accomplishment(s): Continuing to come out of my shell, making new friends, graduating, starting college and getting a job.

New Years Resolution(s): Continue becoming a person i like better than the old me.Nothing really specific though...

Ask me anything

Happy Thanksgiving!

Or... as I posted on facebook: "Happy steroid-injected, overly processed, genetically modified, unethically raised, cross contaminated turkey day that signifies the relationship we had with the native people 400 years ago that ended in a genocide and continues to produce social problems."
Haha, cuz I clearly always look on the bright side of things! Anyways, today has been relaxing. I have been hanging out a lot, and very late with my friends so I'm happy to have a down day. Jordan isn;t her for thanks giving and I hate not having him here, seeing as hes one of those 3 irreplaceable people in my life, and this is just a taste of what it will be like when he leaves in a few months for Texas... Whish will be really hard on me and Sonia.

Tomorrow I am gonna do a bit of Black Friday shopping, but I'm limiting myself to $50, which will be difficult for me.

I have been thinking about getting snake bites (lip piercings) for a while. I would just have 2 small studs on each side, and now my friends are trying to force me to get them, and even talked to the person who might do it about getting it done, but I havent decided 100% yet if i want them. I'd prefer my tattoo, but I'm waiting for some more money for that...

I have been some what of an emotional wreck when I am alone lately, except for today, and I have these sudden onsets of misery and its really no fun.
In other news, 5 must see movies I have watched recently:
1. Harry Potter 7 (duh)
2. Girl, Interrupted
3. Howl's Moving Castle
4. Spirited Away
5. Hard Candy

I have considered switching my major to pharmaceutics. Pharmacists make so much money, and they dont have an incredibly hard job. Its more chemistry than I would like, but I think it might pay off in the end.

Anyways, I gotta go do stuff with my neighbors now. They are coming over for Thanksgiving desert. I really wish Luis was among the neighbors coming over. I miss seeing him a lot.
~Anton

High School Reruns?

Hello! So today was my last day of school for the week, Yay Thanksgiving break!! My red hair has kinda turned pink and I like it quite a bit :) I saw Harry Potter and it was AMAZING!!! I cried twice during it :P
3 of my friends who moved away for college are back in town and we all hung out last night. It felt exactly like the old days in high school!!! I miss it and I miss them, Its gonna be a fun week with them visiting.
I'm kinda in a rush, so I'm not really going into depth on anything... haha.
I'll post more detail soon
~Anton

HAIR

I got a haircut today.... I got these certificates for $50 at this place last month and decided to use one today. I had this funny gay hair dresser and had some interesting conversations with him. It was a better price than my usual place, $75 ($25 with my certificate) and it took my average 3 hours... I really changed my look though! I like it.





so... yeah :)

I failed...

Start at 100% and subtract 1% for everything you’ve done.
1. Smoked.
2. Drank alcohol.
3. Cried when someone died.
4. Been drunk.
5. Had sex.
7. Been to a concert.
7. gotten/given a handjob.
8. gotten/given a blowjob.
9. Been verbally/sexually harassed.
10. Verbally/sexually harassed somebody.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 91%
11. Felt someone up and/or been felt up.
12. Laughed so hard something came out of your nose.
13. Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
14. Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.
15. Been to prom.
16. Cried at school.
17. Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store.
18. Went streaking.
19. Given or receieved a lap dance.
20. Had someone of the opposite sex in your room.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 83%
21. Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.
22. Slept over at someone of the opposite sex’s house.
23. Kissed a stranger.
24. Hugged a stranger.
25. Went scuba diving.
26. Driven a car.
27. Gotten an x-ray.
28. Hit by a car.
29. Had a party.
30. Done serious drugs.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 77%
31. Played strip poker/darts.
32. Got paid to strip for someone.
33. Run away from home.
34. Broken a bone.
35. Eaten sushi.
36. Bought porn.
37. Watched porn.
38. Made porn.
39. Had a crush on someone of the same sex.
40. Been in love.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 72%
41. French kissed.
42. Laughed so hard you cried.
43. Cried yourself to sleep.
44. Laughed yourself to sleep.
45. Stabbed yourself.
46. Shot a gun.
47. Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day.
48. Been online for 9 consecutive hours.
49. Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.
50. Watched an animal die.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 64%
51. Watched a person die
52. Kissed and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person present.
53. Pranked somebody
54. Put somebody in the hospital.
55. Snuck into someones room and/or your own room after being out.
56. Kissed somebody of the same sex.
57. Dressed punk.
58. Dressed goth.
59. Dressed preppy.
60. Been to a motocross race.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR; 58%
61. Avoided somebody.
62. Been stalked.
63. Stalked someone.
64. Met a celebrity.
65. Played an instrument.
66. Ridden a horse.
67. Cut yourself.
68. Bungee jumped.
69. Ding dong ditched somebody.
70. Been to a wild party.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 50%
71. Got caught stealing something.
72. Kicked/punched a guy in the balls.
73. Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.
74. Gone out with your friends crush.
75. Got arrested.
76. Been pregnant.
77. Babysat.
78. Been to another country.
79. Started your house on fire.
80. Had an encounter with a ghost.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 46%
81. Donated your hair to cancer patients.
82. Been asked out by someone that you never thought you’d be asked out by.
83. Cried over a member of the opposite sex.
84. Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over or 3 months.
85. Sat on your butt all day.
86. Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.
87. Had a job.
88. Gotten cut from a sports team.
89. Been called a whore.
90. Danced like a whore
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 39%
91. Been mistaken for a celebrity.
92. Been in a car accident.
93. Been told you have beautiful eyes.
94. Been told you have beautiful hair.
95. Raped somebody.
96. Danced in the rain.
97. Been rejected.
98. Walked out of a restaurant without paying.
99. Punched someone/slapped someone in the face.
100. Been raped.
Total: 33%

The boy, The girl, the end. (A 'borrowed' story)

As the story goes: They were the only ones who could make each other feel that way. She was beautiful and could have whoever she wanted. She chose him. He offered her everything, and could never stand to see her sad. His smile would light up her life. He was a brilliant student, and recieved a job offer from one of the highest after only a year in the academy. He was the best of the best, and she was right behind. But it was that man who pulled him up. The man whose touch turned everything dark. The man who never cared about anything except being on top. The boy accepted the dark man's request, but not for himself. It was always for her. He wished to make the world better. A world where he would never have to see her tears again. He knew she would have to hate him for his path, but he was willing to give it up. He promised himself he'd return to her. He knew she would forgive him once he explained everything. Even if he hated that man, he would keep her in mind. That man's course was the one he had to take for her. He went along with everything the man told him to do. When the time came, he ordered the one beneathe him to attack her, but not to kill her. He knew she would never forgive him until he could see her again. She didn't understand. She had done everything he'd ever wanted. Now it seemed as though he had betrayed her. Why would he do such a thing? Had he never loved her? Had every word he'd spoken been a lie? Her heart was broken, but she carried on. She could not let herself fall. She thought that if she could talk to him, she could bring him back. When the moment was right, she tried. He pushed her back. He didn't want her to get hurt by that terrible man. He knew that if she tried to help him, the man would hurt her. He wouldn't let her get hurt. She could never understand it. She didn't understand until the end. Until it was too late. She would have been able to bring him back, she thought. She knew. She would have been able to, but he had never left. He'd always been with her. And in the end he tried to rebel against that man. He saw that if he let the man go on, she would end up dead. He couldn't let that happen. He tried to steal the man's powers, and he thought he did. But then the man returned. The man returned, and he left. He was gone. She saw all of this, and went to his side. His eyes had finally opened, and then they had closed again. He didn't see her tears, but they came. He wanted to tell her why he had hurt her, but he couldn't. He didn't have to. She already knew. She knew that the last years she had hated him for nothing. He was doing it for her. He wouldn't want her to be sad now, but she couldn't help it. He was gone. The boy who had given her everything, the boy she had given everything too, the boy who had been the only one for her, the boy that she had been the only one for. He was everything to her. Now everything was gone.
Their fairytale never had a happy ending. It was never meant to.
That man destroyed it all.

Personal annotations/additions: At times the ferocity and anger of the girl against what the man was doing were so great that the man feared that if she ever caught him, she could have destroyed him out of pure hatred combined with the love she had for the boy.
No matter how much the boy tried to protect her in his fight against the man, he seemed to have caused her irrevocable harm. Perhaps more than even the man himself could have caused. What would have happened if he had never resisted? Would he still be her everything? Would she still be his? Would she still be utterly whole, not the damaged being the battle between the boy and the man left her as? Would all things in the world still be as they were meant to be? Would mistakes be unmade? Who was this man even? Was he really that bad? Or just cause harm with no intentions of such? Alas, neither the boy nor the girl will ever get these answers, because the man DID destroy it all.


This story brought tears to my eyes. I dont know if it was the magnificence of how it was written, the genuine emotion put into, how accurate it is or how personal it is, but it is honestly one of the most moving stories I have yet come across. It definitely puts things in perspective and indicated that fixes were possible.

Thank you.

Today I had coffee with a friend and had a good conversation. I haven't had an opportunity to talk about recent things in my life with anyone for a while, so it was enjoyable, and doing such helps me put things in perspective. I was supposed to go to a drag show at UNM tonight, but everyone I was interested in was busy.

Its been a failry relaxing weekend though... I need to do homework thugh. :(

I was compelled earlier to go through some old e-mails from some friends. I've said it before, but NOSTALGIA SUCKS! Anyways, these are from Aug/Sept, 2009, about 6 months before things with some people really started falling apart..

A: ,('o'),
C: cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute
A: i know! right?
C: not you, the face!
A: its a fish, not a face, and yes me too
C: how the hell is that a fish? and no you aren't
A: ITS A FUCKING FISH!!!! AND I AM SO!!!
C: okayyyyy... And no you aren't, unless you are comparing your self to, say, Michael Jackson.
buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurn
A: well, hagrid is sexy compared to you!!!
C: ooooh buuuuuurn....
A: no, true......
C: what?
A: nm...
C: you are weird! i hate you! go to hell!
A: ok, see u there!!!! =D
C: kaleidescopes!
A: omfg! yesssss!
C: love em!
A: and sneekoscopes r cool too!
C: hahaha yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup
A: yay!

I have lost 4, once very important, relationships in the past few months, and I certainly miss them, but I'm not sure if they will ever be meaningful again, or even if I want (at least 2 of them) to be reestablished. Its definitely a price paid from growing older and the different paths everyone chooses. At least I have 5 very good friends as of now. We'll see what happens with these 4 though... Hopefully I'll know about 2 after Thanksgiving and the other 2 after new years.
~Anton

Rate My Life?

This is all from a website that I took this quiz on today...

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	4.7
Mind:	4.4
Body:	6.1
Spirit:	4.5
Friends/Family:	3.2
Love:	1.4
Finance:	4.8
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Your Life Analysis:

Life: Your life rating is a score of the sum total of your life, and accounts for how satisfied, successful, balanced, capable, valuable, and happy you are. The quiz attempts to put a number on the summation of all of these things, based on your answers. Your life score is on the low end. Making key changes to different aspects of your life will bring you greater fulfillment. Do not be discouraged. Seek help outside yourself if need be. There is always time to change, and change will bring many rewards.

Mind: Your mind rating is a score of your mind's clarity, ability, and health. Higher scores indicate an advancement in knowledge, clear and capable thinking, high mental health, and pure thought free of interference. Your mind score is rather low, which means that your mental state is not in tune. Learn to filter out the noise of everyday life. Unplug, relax, read a good book. Take up a new area of study. Simplify and focus your mental energy and your mind function will improve.

Body: Your body rating measures your body's health, fitness, and general wellness. A healthy body contributes to a happy life, however many of us are lacking in this area. Your body score is fairly average, which means there is room for improvement. Keep a focus on your physical health. Protect your body as it is your most valuable physical asset. Nutrition, stress reduction, and exercise are key.

Spirit: Your spirit rating seeks to capture in a number that elusive quality which is found in your faith, your attitude, and your philosophy on life. A higher score indicates a greater sense of inner peace and balance. You seem to be lacking in spirit. Improve your score by refining your beliefs and searching for answers to philosophical questions. Consider new belief systems if your current beliefs are not rewarding you.

Friends/Family: Your friends and family rating measures your relationships with those around you, and is based on how large, healthy, and dependable your social network is. Your friends and family score suffers, yet it does not need to be this way. Strengthen your social network by reaffirming old bonds. Seek out new friendships, and they will provide you the reward you need.

Love: Your love rating is a measure of your current romantic situation. Sharing your heart with another person is one of life's most glorious, terrifying, rewarding experiences. Your love score is very low, indicating trouble. There is love out there for you. Seek the advice of wise people on how to go about finding it. Do not lose hope.

Finance: Your finance rating is a score that rates your current financial health and stability. Your financial score indicates some trouble. Raise your score over time by making changes which will lead to greater prosperity in the future. Be sure to live within your means today.

Endless Week

All day I have thought it has been Thursday, which is the last day of my week. I find this distressing.
It has been an alright week though so far. School has been pretty average and things seem to be going pretty well in all my classes. I LOVE my World Cultures teacher!!!!
Tomorrow I'm wearing my FCKH8 shirt, so I'm pretty excited about that. If you dont know what FCKH8 is google it and watch their "Straight talk about gay marriage" video. I'd post it but I bet almost everyone has seen it and it might get old after the 20th time watching, but if you havent seen it, its really good.

Let see. Luis took state for track which is pretty exciting! I havent seen him in way too long though. I have yet to give up on my suspicions he is gay.
Then someone told this one kid at school who I have always hated just how much I hate him. I explained why this is to to a friend on facebook earlier and it went something like this:
"I dont know who doesnt know that i dislike him. he is a pathetic attention whore who pretends to be gay and have amnesia because he cant find any way for any one to even talk to him unless he is differant or disabled in some way because hes so god damn pathetic and whiney and annoying to talk to under any normal circumstance!!
haha, sorry. I'm done."
But its true. And I have no problem being an ass. i honesty couldn't care less that knows i despise him other than he is at all sorts of gay events. But I'm the king of awkward situations so it wont stop me!

There are kinda plans to go see my friends in Las Cruses in a couple weekends, but honestly I dont want to go. Its too time consuming and costly to travel that far and kinda stressful. Plus I know they are replacing us with people there, as we are replacing them up here and i don't have the resolve to keep up dissolving relationships when I have the minimum of meaningful friendships I need, and I have far more than the minimum at the moment. And their ugly annoying gay friend who I have NEVER had contact with added me on facebook and tried to talk to me the other day and I ignored him cuz it kinda creped me out.

My car is a piece of shit and pissed me off yesterday so I kinda kicked it and it has a dent in it. My parents are convinced i was hit in a parking lot. I'd feel guilty if my mom didnt work at a car place and can get it fixed super easy. I used to have a really bad temper and that behavior would have been normal, but not so much anymore. I just had a bad day yesterday.

Oh, and I basically got rid of all my links on the side. They annoyed me though, and I still have "blogs I follow" on the sidebar.
~Anton

Quick Business

First off, I did start a tumblir... http://poisonspring.tumblr.com/
SO FOLLOW IT!!!! ...or not, but it would be cool if you did. A lot of my friends have really great tumblrs and they would be worth following too. I am not posting this URL on that site because this one I'm keeping open as my 'journal' which I'm not entirely cool with my friends like Jordan to have access to (considering I talk about him a fair amount on here.
I will keep this one up though, I will probably just post on the other one a lot more and have a wider variety of things I'm going to share on it. And I'm pretty sure what I wrote for my 1st post is about as long as those posts will get.

AND! here is my award winning tinkerbell costume that I have been asked to post on here, :) god I need a haircut.

Resurrection

So I am back from the Dead. I know it has been FOREVER since I posted, but with work and all I have not had the time or interest for anything on the internet with the exception of the occasional facebook or m-mail check in.
Yesterday was the last day of work, seeing as it was the election, and it couldn't come fast enough. By the end i was exhausted, but the money is very welcome, considering I have been spending so much of it lately.
I will spare you most of my ramblings and just give you a short synopsis of whats been up with my life in the past month.
~School. It has taken a lot of my time but I am maintaining fair grades in all of my classes, as far as I know.
~I have seen less and less of my friends because of busy work schedules and stuff, but we are still as close as ever.
~I got a psychiatric evaluation at school and scored high for anxiety and very high for depression. They have referred my to the therapist, but I have yet to have time for that.
~I won the QSA Halloween costume contest...I went as tinker bell. :) Halloween night was fairly uneventful however.
~I finished the BEST book series in the world (The Hunger Games) and as soon as I have enough money I plan on getting a tattoo that is a reference from the book. CAN'T WAIT!
~Joined Connexion, a gay social/dating site... kinda lame. :)
~Broke 2 boys hearts
~Found a boy I'm sure is gay and is super cute. I only saw him like once at Sonic, but imma go back and flirt as soon as I see hes working there again.
~I've met a ton of high profile Democrats...

Ummm... thats about all I can think of now. But im back for now at least.
Love yallll
and I may start posting on Tumblr soon, so stay tuned
~Anton