New Developments?

Hi!
So the visit with the fam was pretty fun. I got better acquainted with some of my 2nd cousins. I really dislike them all, but I had to make an appearance for a little cuz they all wanted to see me. They made it fun for me anyways, so it was okay.
Since then I have been doing most of my usual Utah stuff. I had another big card game and I have been to several movies. Today I saw Diner for Schmucks, it was really good! I also went to Lagoon with one of my friends and some people I didn't really know. Lagoon is an amusement park and they have some pretty good rides and I had a really good time.

My parents are showing they are devoted to changing their ways. Both of them are in detox facilities now and seeing a psychiatrist. My moms been kinda freaking and stuff, and acting really weird, but I think this situation has emotionally scared her. But anyways I'm hopeful this will keep them good at least till I move out. I had to arrange for a neighbor to come get me from the airport cuz there is a good chance they will still be gone when I get back home. I'm kinda excited about possibly coming home to an empty house. It will help me acclimate again. I have lots of parties planed when I get back, an over night trip and a concert. So i prob wont see them much even when they are back... but I will try to be social and at least act forgiving, even though I'm not, just as positive reinforcement.

I also came out to my godmother today and that went well, besides being somewhat awkward, but I always figured it would be just with the kind of relationship we have. Tomorrow I will come out one of the last ones, and then I will be pretty much liberated from hiding behind a mask, except around my extended family. I have a big shopping day tomorrow that I'm quite excited about and I plan on wasting some money!! =D I'm going to have trouble getting everything back home though... there is so much of it!

Love you all lots! I'll post more regularly after I get home sometime.
~Anton

Nostalgia

...it sucks. It (by definition) reminds me of times when I was happier. When things seemed so much better for me, and I didn't have so much shit to worry about. Its really bitter sweet. The 24th of July in Utah is one of the most powerful days of nostalgia for me. I have never been out of this state for that Holiday, and for the past several years I have had a tradition with my friends (IttyK and her sister) of running around like idiots on that particular day.
In Utah, the 24th of July is 'Pioneer Day' which is just to Mormon name for the day they got their statehood. Anyways, there are spectacular fireworks, much better than the 4th of July, and one of the sites they have always shot them off at is just like 3 blocks from where I grew up. So I usually go up that way and meet my friends (this year it was Just IttyK's sister) and we have a good time at the fireworks show. It was so packed this year! I either never noticed it before, or it was a weekend day or something, but it was really cool.

My best friend left for Sweden a few days ago and I'm going INSANE without her. I usually text her from when I wake up to when I go to bed, and she doesn't have texting over seas so I'm not really sure what I'm going with myself and I'm not sure how well I will handle being home without her for a couple weeks. But we did have a fun day together before she left.

I'm kinda excited to go home cuz I really miss my friends there. I'm sure I'm going to party it up a little bit before 2 of them move down south for college. But I also really don't want to cuz of the whole parents thing. My mom was in the hospital again for conflicting medications, and they tried to keep that little incident from me, but one of my neighbors asked me on Facebook is she was alright, and I told her I had no idea what she was taling about. But my dad says "every things returning to normal quickly" and my mother has been painting the house... so I guess that's a good sign. Apparently a lot of what I wrote to her had a negative impact on her, which is good because hopefully its the wake up call she needs... or at least it should hold till I move out, probably next year.

I have been seeing a lot of other people I've known for a long time, and it has been really nice.

Tomorrow my uncle is taking me down to Provo (Mormon central) and were having a family barbecue up Provo Canyon and taking a moonlight ride on the lifts at Sundance, which should be beautiful. Then I'll sleep at his house and in the morning we'll hike Stuart Falls and then float on tubes down the Provo River. I'm pretty excited for all of it except the float... and my family. They are way to Mormon-y for my tastes and would disown me if the knew I was gay. I loath being around them or and even worse, being around them in Provo. I can handle the number of Mormons in Salt Lake just fine... but most of the rest of Utah... not so great. But my grandparents are down south and I actually like the Uncle I'll be with most the time quite a lot. Its the rest of the family that I really want to disappear from existence.

I go back home on the 2nd... so I only have about a week left here, which does make me sad. But I think I'll be okay going home cuz never before have I had such close friends there.

Love you all
~Anton

Oh, and here is another one of my poems I wrote when I was bored, Its happier than the last, but I still don't think its very good. Haha, anyways, here's Jumping Off the Moon:

Higher than Heaven itself.
A cold rock, not unlike my home,
but absent of its trees and beauty.

I look down on the planet where IO was born.
I can almost see my house; my friends.
But I am stuck, on this cold rock, so very far away.

I take a breath; a breath lacking the nourishment of oxygen.
My feet push me off, and I soar through space.
Rocks and satellites fly by my Head, but I can already hear the crashing waves.

The atmospheric gasses are set ablaze around me,
Through layer upon layer of cool, misty clouds I fall.
Birds fly by, singing their songs of welcome.

The wind gently brushes the trees, as the rocks guard the secrets of Earth.
A rabbit pokes its head out of its hole and a dear grazes in a meadow.
My feet touch the ground, and I am home.

I'm Happy... Even if This Post Isn't

People are always preaching their philosophies and ideas like they are god. This is a problem I have with many people; my godmother, any devoutly religious person, my friend Jordan and the person I consider to be one of my closest mentors, Robert Pruitt. Its not something I'd have a problem with except that all of those people speak it like it is scientific fact. I know I do it too on occasion... but it is not something I am all that tolerant of.
People are subconsciously selfish, and pretending that every action they take is for the betterment of society is bull shit. Hell, even the Dalia Lama has his moments of weakness...
Not everyone is going to be changed by these philosophies because the number of them that there are just makes life confusing, especially when most people will defend them to the death. Its time for people to start tearing down their god complexes and allow others to make decisions for themselves.
But that's idealistic. No ones going to do that, not even me... I just wanted to bitch about it, cuz bitching about things is one of my better talents.
So cuz things aren't gonna change in this case, one philosophy I have picked up from one of my mentors that I have been applying to my life more and more is "Its easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission" It helps me be me.

Any who... I saw Inception today which was an exceptionally amazing movie and really put into perspective the nature of reality and demonstrated philosophies out of the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Jordan and I often theorise about... well everything, but one of our favorites is anything to do with multiple universes and how dreams, alcohol and weed are ways to access different universes than the one that humanity experiences the majority of the time. The different levels of dreams and the concept of limbo talked about in the movie kinda gave me some food for thought concerning reality and dreams and different universes. It was really fascinating and everyone should go see it.

I have been writing poetry lately. I'm not very good at it, mostly because i give up half way through out of boredom and rush it. This is one I wrote on my plane ride from hell. Its really emo, and keep in mind I wasn't happy when I wrote it. Its called End the Air Flow... =/

Suffocate me
Oppress me
Release me
I wont stop you
I cant stop you

Strangle me
Drown me
Gas me

Put that pillow over my face
Put your hands around my neck
Put me in my place

Strangle me
Drown me
Gas me

Let the water flow in
100 feet under the surface
Let me go

Strangle me
Drown me
Gas me

Close the door
Start the engine
Just give me that endless sleep

Strangle me
Drown me
Gas me

Suffocate me
Oppress me
Release me
I wont stop you
I cant stop you

So yeah... that was happy. And not very good, but I thought I might aw well share it.

I have been feeling like I'm losing a lot of people who are close to me. They are either moving or changing into things I don't like/don't know how to deal with in a way which will keep us close. That's another reason I'm looking forward to college. 29,000 new people to meet and get to know.

I am also under the impression my parents are somewhat responding to my ultimatum I gave them of "clean up or I'm leaving." They have supposedly dried up and are starting counseling. I know they will want me to go too... which I'm hesitant about cuz I'd only want personal therapy, and I have nothing nice to say about them in an environment like that. It would be a lot of arguing and little progress.
~Anton

Camping... Kinda

Helloooo...

So camping didn't exactly happen as planned. The sites were full, so we went on a hike of Friday instead of camping and went to the park and chilled. That night we watched The Crazies and Zombieland. Both were good! and pretty scary, well... the 1st one was. Then we slept in the tents in the back yard and today we went on a hike in Mill Creek Canyon which is GORGEOUS! One of my favorte places... It was lots of fun. Then we just laid around a bit. Its been somewhat awkward, at least for me, with IttyK... But it has been really nice here, except I really miss my friends and I wanna party with them when I get back. I also have a little trip kinda coming together for the 2nd weekend I get back which I'm pretty excited about.

I saw Despicable Me. It was pretty good, and Robin Hood wasn't bad. My allergies have been killing me here, which is one thing i don't have to deal with back east.
I have been busy and I ha vent had much time to write good posts, but I try to keep you up on anything important.
~Anton

Back

Hi!!! sorry that I've been gone forever. I didn't really have the time, energy or Internet access to post while I was on the est coast.

My trip there was alright. It was far worse than any other NSLC trip i have ever been on, but it was still a beneficial experience. We did a lot of work concerning our vision for the future. A lot of it seemed counter productive to deciding on a specific path, but I also was helpful in a lot of ways. We also had very little group bonding time, which has always been the best part of any of these trips. We did have a dance at the end which was pretty fun, and I was introduced to Zumba, which is a really fun exercises that I am going to start doing when I get home. We also saw the Washington monuments at night, which I have done before, but was still fun. We also went to Baltimore Harbor where my really good friend from a previous trip and I did some shopping, got hit on by some old hobos and had a nice diner.

I was the last to leave the conference, which just sucked, then the lines in the airport were RIDICULOUS. and when i was drooping off my bag it was over weight so i had to move stuff to my carry on, go through the line again, it was still over weight, so i had to go through that long line a 3rd time. Then security line was long and i forgot to take my laptop out and they had to run all my stuff though again. on the plane i got yelled at cuz i took my computer bag out of my carry on and i cant have 3 bags, so i had to put it back, but then it wouldn't fit over head, so i had to get back to the front which pissed everyone off and give it to the flight attendant who totally bitched me out. then my ipod died in like the 1st 5 minuets, and the airplane movie/music sucked. and they ran out of the food i wanted, so i didn't like mine, and i spilled ice on me when we hit this pocket of turbulence, and the old lady 2 seats over sneezed in her tomato juice and it hit everyone in the area. and there were a billion loud and annoying kids on the flight, including right behind me. and i sat right by the engine where its really loud. WORST TRAVEL DAY EVER!!

Then as soon as i got here things got better. I was greeted at the airport by IttyK and her sister and we went to their house and had cake, and then I came back here to my godmothers house, ant I just felt totally relaxed and at peace with the world. Yesterday wasn't so good. I was in this endless cycle of self loathing, disgust with my existence and remembering things I didn't want to. It was really miserable, and i have been experiencing it on and off for the past little while. Today I seem to be doing better. I am spending the afternoon with some of my best friends and I plan on having a really good time. Friday I'm going on a camping trip with them and I really need the get away from modern society.

Over all its a billion times better than being at my house. I haven't talked to my mom much, besides to check in a couple times and give her an ultimatum that if both of them aren't in A.A. by the time I get back, I'm moving out.

I will be posting more often now that I'm here, but still probably not as much as usual.
Love you!
~Anton

Heading Out

Hey!! Sorry it’s been a while... it’s been busy.
So I'm leaving in about 13 hours for Washington DC!!! I'm really excited; it should be so much fun! Worst part is that I have to get a ride to the airport with my dad... It totally sucks having any interaction with either parent, both keep acting like things are totally acceptable, which pisses me off. I have made sure I have kept things tense with my mom, she needs to know how pissed I am, but I also am holding back to not make her drink more. I'm sticking to my conditions that both of them have to be totally sober and in A.A. when I get out, or I will find a roommate to get an apartment with... I will remind her of it a couple times while I'm gone, and we will just have to see what they do.

Let’s see, we had a little mud hut party the other night. It was just a couple of us, and no John, so I was kinda really sad about that. I went to see How to Train Your Dragon with Luis the other day. It was really good!!! Then I went to see fireworks on the 3rd and 4th. They were really good, and both nights the people I was with had tons of illegal’s, which were really loud and cool, and scary... I almost got hit by a few of them. Fortunately, I'm a ninja. =)
Both nights John was supposed to come, but wasn’t able too, which really sucked, cuz I wanted to get drunk with him before I left... oh well... I will when I get back. I decided I really don’t want a relationship, but I want John... IDK.
A lot more has happened, but I can’t really think right now, and I gotta go pack more... But I will keep you updated on anything big!
~Anton

I Gots Mah Hair Did!!

Haaay!!
I'm so happy with my hair! It looks really cool! Which it better cuz including the cut last week, i spent about $175 on it!


Here is a kinda close up...


And here is me failing at my attempts to be cute...



Haha, I got hi lights through out, low lights in the bangs, and the tips of my bangs darkened.. it took like 2 hours, but it was pretty fun.

Dad went to work today, which was a shocker, cuz he got pretty drunk last night. I left him a note for when he gets home thanking him for not going totally over board, cuz he needs the positive reinforcement.
My moms sobered up quite a bit today after reading my letter, so hopefully it will get her in her place till I can find someone good to move into an apartment with.

Now imma go shopping with some friends and then have a mud hut party tonight, probably without John, but a boy can hope...
~Anton