So I know I haven't been posting lately, but I have been doing a good job of ignoring things I don't want to talk about and the things I am willing to talk about seem pointless to share. So this post has the potential to be very long and kinda depressing. I'm really not looking for judgement or advice or anything. I just want to vent. This is mostly just for me to sort out my thoughts than to ask for opinions on my insanity.
So pretty much the past like month or so things haven't been going so well. I have not seen too much of my friends here compared to usual. I have been panicking about my future with having a job and being alone and ever being successful or happy. And I have been having these problems with my best friend, Elsa, which has by far been the worst.
For those of you who don't know, we live 450 miles apart and most of our relationship is based on constant texting. Well, we haven't been talking as much and what we do talk about isn't as meaningful as usual. This is for a lot of reasons I guess. Shes been bust with school and various other things and I have been generally distant, and I am not even sure why I have been. She also has this thing going on that has caused her to be kinda absent for long periods of time every day or two. During those times I get way to stuck in my head and I feel alone and to an extent, jealous. I wont go into details of it out of respect for her privacy... but that has been causing me to detach for the past week or so. I fully support it and I am happy about it, I just need to get used to it.
Also, as I mentioned in my last post, my friends here and I are planning on going to Las Cruces again soon, next weekend actually. This time the plan is to try ecstasy. A few of them down there have already tried it and those of us who haven't are going to try it. But this has, to understate it, caused a lot of tension between Elsa and I. I have wanted to try it for over a year, because as I understand it, it is the most amazing feeling, and I am naturally curious, but she strongly disproves. I feel like I need to make it clear that all I want is to TRY it, not depend it for happiness. And I have done my research on it, this is an educated decision. I like feeling detached from reality for periods of time. It helps me come back and focus on what I need to do. Also I like the intimate bonds I always feel from trying things with people for the first time, like when I first drank or smoked weed. Lately I have felt like I have had nothing. All my friends have been distant, I have been as successful as ever romantically and I have greatly reduced my typical forms of being in an altered state, out of respect for Elsa's wishes. Those are kinda the things that keep me going, meaningful friend relationships, semi-meaningful romantic/sexual relationships, and an escape from reality, but I haven't had any of those for a long time, and its slowly breaking me down because I am too trapped in my self destructive mind and I have been over stressing about my future in addition. So I decided to go through with rolling in Cruces. But it is creating a lot of problems for me although I am 95% sure it will make me feel much much better. I feel selfish for wanting it, but I also feel like shes selfish for keeping me from one of the few things that will help me feel like I have anything going for me. I partially understand her reasons though, and I respect them, but if I keep going down the road I am on, it will lead to me hurting myself in much much worse ways. Its a gamble deciding to roll and I hope it works out, but I really feel like it will help me.
The past probably 2 weeks has been the longest period of time in over 5 years when I have been relatively suicidal. I would never go through with it, because I know what it would do to the people who care about me, so I would rather suffer alone than cause them all pain. Thats just way too selfish... even if its what I want a lot of the time. But I assure you, there is no reason to worry. I do plan on talking to my parents about getting me on some anti-depressants. I would like therapy, but I don't know if we can afford it, but I think anti-depressants would do me a lot of good.
So with all that said, don't worry about me, I will be fine, and before you give me a long winded comment about why I shouldn't or what a horrible person I am, I know already. Its stupid and selfish, but I need something to change.
Please refer to the 1st paragraph before you let loose on me. I don't need to feel worse than I have been.
With lots of love
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