Saturday, March 5, 2011

On the brink of disaster.

So I know I haven't been posting lately, but I have been doing a good job of ignoring things I don't want to talk about and the things I am willing to talk about seem pointless to share. So this post has the potential to be very long and kinda depressing. I'm really not looking for judgement or advice or anything. I just want to vent. This is mostly just for me to sort out my thoughts than to ask for opinions on my insanity.

So pretty much the past like month or so things haven't been going so well. I have not seen too much of my friends here compared to usual. I have been panicking about my future with having a job and being alone and ever being successful or happy. And I have been having these problems with my best friend, Elsa, which has by far been the worst.
For those of you who don't know, we live 450 miles apart and most of our relationship is based on constant texting. Well, we haven't been talking as much and what we do talk about isn't as meaningful as usual. This is for a lot of reasons I guess. Shes been bust with school and various other things and I have been generally distant, and I am not even sure why I have been. She also has this thing going on that has caused her to be kinda absent for long periods of time every day or two. During those times I get way to stuck in my head and I feel alone and to an extent, jealous. I wont go into details of it out of respect for her privacy... but that has been causing me to detach for the past week or so. I fully support it and I am happy about it, I just need to get used to it.
Also, as I mentioned in my last post, my friends here and I are planning on going to Las Cruces again soon, next weekend actually. This time the plan is to try ecstasy. A few of them down there have already tried it and those of us who haven't are going to try it. But this has, to understate it, caused a lot of tension between Elsa and I. I have wanted to try it for over a year, because as I understand it, it is the most amazing feeling, and I am naturally curious, but she strongly disproves. I feel like I need to make it clear that all I want is to TRY it, not depend it for happiness. And I have done my research on it, this is an educated decision. I like feeling detached from reality for periods of time. It helps me come back and focus on what I need to do. Also I like the intimate bonds I always feel from trying things with people for the first time, like when I first drank or smoked weed. Lately I have felt like I have had nothing. All my friends have been distant, I have been as successful as ever romantically and I have greatly reduced my typical forms of being in an altered state, out of respect for Elsa's wishes. Those are kinda the things that keep me going, meaningful friend relationships, semi-meaningful romantic/sexual relationships, and an escape from reality, but I haven't had any of those for a long time, and its slowly breaking me down because I am too trapped in my self destructive mind and I have been over stressing about my future in addition. So I decided to go through with rolling in Cruces. But it is creating a lot of problems for me although I am 95% sure it will make me feel much much better. I feel selfish for wanting it, but I also feel like shes selfish for keeping me from one of the few things that will help me feel like I have anything going for me. I partially understand her reasons though, and I respect them, but if I keep going down the road I am on, it will lead to me hurting myself in much much worse ways. Its a gamble deciding to roll and I hope it works out, but I really feel like it will help me.

The past probably 2 weeks has been the longest period of time in over 5 years when I have been relatively suicidal. I would never go through with it, because I know what it would do to the people who care about me, so I would rather suffer alone than cause them all pain. Thats just way too selfish... even if its what I want a lot of the time. But I assure you, there is no reason to worry. I do plan on talking to my parents about getting me on some anti-depressants. I would like therapy, but I don't know if we can afford it, but I think anti-depressants would do me a lot of good.

So with all that said, don't worry about me, I will be fine, and before you give me a long winded comment about why I shouldn't or what a horrible person I am, I know already. Its stupid and selfish, but I need something to change.
Please refer to the 1st paragraph before you let loose on me. I don't need to feel worse than I have been.

With lots of love


  1. Hey kid... I haven't commented here in a while for various reasons, which I don't want to go into now...

    The reason I started following way back, was because I saw an intellectual curiosity in you that I admired... I always like that in a person. I followed your posts and agonized over your situation with the alcohol abuse in your family and it really tore at my heart- the unfairness of it all. That's the way booze and drugs can be, and in my experience, I have yet to meet a really happy person who indulges in that kind of stuff. I've been called myopic (well, not directly, but I'm pretty good at reading between the lines) because of my overall disdain for ingesting mind- altering chemicals...

    But, that's just one guy's take...So, there are times when I just back off and hope that some little bit of my advice and experience has helped, even in a small way.

    I have a strategy that I have applied in my life that works for me, but I recognize that pressing my beliefs on someone else is not why I came out here in the first place.

    Anton, I know you've had a rough time. You seem frustrated because of the way your friend is pressuring you to avoid the experiment with ecstasy... I guess you are kind of hoping that she'll support you.

    I understand why you feel like that, but I have to say that she is doing her very best to be a good friend, and I think she has a pretty good head on her shoulders in that respect. It would be a lot easier for her to cave, but she is taking the harder path out of love for you, and probably a measure of fear as well.

    I think you have probably touched on a most critical aspect of all this by recognizing that you are depressed. Knowing that, I would hope that you get the kind of help you need even if it's only available at a free clinic or through a gov't agency that funds it for people who can't afford it. I would devise a strategy to get that help, before I did anything else.

    I know we talked about your beliefs before and you told me that you were either agnostic or atheist... I don't want you to think that I'm pushing religion... I can't stand when people do that to me. But, in my own life, I think that a belief in a higher power has made a big difference. It has nothing to do with organized religion. In fact, because of the catholic church's views on homosexuality, I have become one of those 'lost lambs', so to speak, but that has NO bearing on my views about the value of faith and the foundation it provides in my life as part of an overall strategy to live a happy life.

    I hope that in your search for happiness, you don't completely exclude that, because I really feel that it would help, especially at times like this... luv, tman<3

  2. Sorry, kid... I didn't know it would be that long...tman<3

  3. I have absolutely no doubt that she is the better person in this relationship and that she has my best interests at heart. I just feel like I know what I am doing and that I am not doing it in a destructive way, which I would be doing with out her. So I am really torn.
    I would be seeking more help than anti-depressants if I havent been through processes like this before, but they tend to not last too long, and I will be good after a while.
    I feel confidant in my abilities to deal with my depression in the most effective way for me, I just hope to execute it with out alienating certain people. But I have a feeling it will all work out.
    Glad you are commenting again!

  4. No advice, no pressure, I just hope you're here in two weeks...

    Peace <3

  5. No-one will love me if I can't love myself. How can I love myself when no-one else finds me worthy of their love. Yup.

    Chemicals help for a bit, from the street or from the clinic, but the only cure is the talking one. Therapist, friend, lover...

  6. Hey Anton
    Got to your blog after a one night thread of RB, the JJ drama, Paul's place and the Larry tragidy so I am emotionally raw. You don't know me but I just wanted to say something. I knew Bobby. Bobby went to a party and made an "informed" decision to use Extacy. By all accounts he was having a good time. I never got to hear about it though. Bobby died. They said it was something like heatstroke and due to the extacy. It was the only time he used it. I don't know if his experiance was worth the risk. All I know is there is a hole in my heart where Bobby used to live. That's all, I hate holes like that really bad or I wouldn't have said anything. I hope with all my heart you have a teriffic spring break with tons of fun and post it all here afterwards.

  7. Love, I am sorry that I've torn you. But you must see, I'm also torn.
    Torn between 5 billion things. ANd i'm sorry I'm such a mess so much that i don't even dare think of why I feel how I do. I wish i could explain but I'm so fragile... You have to know... I'm not as strong as i say. I'm weak and breaking. And Honestly, feburary has also been the worst since my last suicidal streak. And I'm so thankful for Manda, because you've been so distant. And so gone. And I know, I've been pushing. But I don't want you to see me break. I've been trying to hold myself together.... And I don't want to put more on you. Cuz I'm such a fucking lunatic. I love you. I'll still be here. I don't want to tell you you're hurting me. I want to tell you I'm fine. But if I'm honest, that's a lie. I'm so far from fine... I feel so guilty and awful and stupid and useless. I love you, I really do...
    Sorry about everything.
    I don't mean to make things difficult for you...

  8. No comment, because you won't allow me to say what I'd like to say.

    Here's hoping you find a way to happiness that's based on knowing what is truly good in yourself and in the world.