Back in New Mexico

Hello!
So I have been home for a few days now. I haven't been having the social life I would have liked to come back to, but that is alright. I really considered this being the 'last post' but I think I will wait a while longer.

Utah was a lot of fun, I kept busy and saw a lot of people. Pride was probably the best part. I made out with a cute boy to piss off some protesters and it was just overall a good day, besides my sunburn. I also hooked up with a fairly cute guy up there. I had my birthday while I was up there (thank you Alan for the birthday wish) and I got like $300 worth of clothes and $500 cash, which I have no complaints about. It was the best birthday I have had in at least 3 years though. It may not have been the best visit up there, but I enjoyed myself.

Things at home are alright. My parents are both sober, for now. I expect that to change soon though, just cuz of my pessimistic nature. My dads company is being sold and there is a good chance he will lose his job within a year, which will set him off. Also, money is generally just really tight with my parents now. They are strugling with some of the bills. I don't know what the fuck they do with our money, cuz we should have more based on their incomes and our lifestyle. oh well... I have started paying for more of my own stuff to help them out. I am going to start looking for a job in early July, so I can become even more financially independent.

~If~ they start drinking again, I am not gonna deal with it this time. My plan is as follows:
-Withdraw all the money from my bank accounts, including the joint one I have with my mom.
-Pack up ALL of my stuff I can fit into my car, take it to a friends, and live with them until the end of the semester, and pay a couple hundred dollars rent to help them.
-Finish whatever semester I am in, and drop out of UNM.
-Drive myslef and all my shit to Utah, and move in with my godmother.
-Take a year off of school to work and save money.
-Enroll at the University of Utah, get an apartment and start my life and never speak to my parents again.

I am done fighting them, and this is what I am going to do if they are gonna start pulling dumb shit again.

One of my other big stress factors at the moment is the fact that my cars transmission might be dying. I'm not sure, and it is still running, but idk what the hell I am gong to do if I need a new car. ugh.

I have been somewhat more suicidal than I have been in about 6 years for the past several weeks. No worries, I wont do anything, but things just see much more bleak and pointless and nothing matters as much as it used to, not that it did much in the 1st place. If I had the money I would consider therapy, but that isnt gonna happen, so I will stick with my self medication.

The next couple weeks are probably going to be pretty crazy. I plan on partying a lot and maybe trying some new stuff. I have good self control, so no need to worry about me. I am just gonna enjoy my summer and thats that. Warped Tour is in a little over a week, and that will be my big event for the summer. It should be lots of fun.

I will probably be concluding this blog in a month or so when things look more stable, and I can leave you with closure with the parent drama and such.
Love you all
~Anton

Starting to shut down

Hey!
So I am on sumer break and I am pretty happy about it. I have been having lost of fun with my friends. I ended up going to Las Cruces 2 weekends ago... it was a crazy weekend and loads of fun. I kinda ended up cheating on my BF, but all my judgment was long gone by that point. I think I am going to break up with him tomorrow anyways. I am not really looking forward to doing it, but I just feel like its best I do before I go to Utah. I am leaving in 6 days.
I got hip tattoos! The right hip is a sun and the left is a moon. I tried uploading pictures on here, but it didnt work. :( I cant wait to get more done.
I am probably gonna be deleting sometime in the next few weeks. I have lost most of my interest in blogger, and it seems more of a chore than a hobby. It really helped me for the 1st year that I had it though. But I am hardly posting once a month these days anyways...
I will probably have a couple more posts though in the next couple weeks.
~Anton

Ending Freshman Year

Hello!
Nothing too exciting has happened here lately, so thats why I havent posted in a couple weeks. School has been alright, we have finals in 2 weeks, so I am kinda stressed about that, but I think I will do alright in everything. Also, I got my classes for next semester. I am taking U.S. History up till 1877, Public Speaking, American Politics and Evolution and Human Emergence. So I am pretty excited about that.
I got my Warped Tour ticket, and I can't wait for that. It should be lots of fun! I also got my plane tickets for my summer trip to Utah I will be there May 24th to June 14th. So I will be having my birthday there, so hopefully that will be fun. I will also be there for one of my friends graduation. Then I will get back here, probably party hard for 2 weeks here, go to Las Cruces for a week or so for warped tour and party double hard there and then get serious about getting a job in July and tone down the partying and such.
Um... I've been kinda depressed for the past week or so. Nothing too major, I have just felt like shit. I am gonna spend the day with my boyfriend today, so hopefully that will cheer me up. I do think I will end it with him the week or so before I go to Utah though. He is sweet, but we just arent compatible and I kinda wanna be single over the summer anyways. I think it will be harder than I am expecting to end it with him, but I feel like if I dont just tell him I will end up cheating, telling him and then having a much nastier break up. I wanna end it on good terms.
I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna dye my hair purple before I go to Utah, and I will probably keep it like that for a month or so before I go back to blond.
I have kept up with working out 3 or 4 times a week for the mot part. its nothing too serious, but I definitely wanna lose 10 pounds or so.
Well, thats about it.
<3
~Anton

Warped

Hello :)
Things have been going pretty well for the most part lately.

The whole Jordan issue thing is definitely behind me. I have been hanging out with him a lot recently, more than anyone else actually. Its felt good to have one of my best friends back, especially as I grow further and further apart from some of my other friends.

School is also going pretty well. My grads are still kinda slipping, just cuz I'm in the last month or so, but I'm still gonna get all A's and B's. I have a lot of studying to do for my tests this week, but I will get around to that this evening.

I have been talking a lot to this really cute boy who lives in New York. He makes me happy and is one of the like 3 people I would get into a long distance relationship with. But I do have my boyfriend, so that doesnt really matter. Bobby has been annoying me a bit lately though. He is just too indecisive. But he slept over the other night, which was fun. I like him a lot when we are both intoxicated. haha :)I will probably break it off in a month or so. I wanna be single over the summer I think.

I have been listening to a lot of punk and post-hardcore type music lately, and I just found out that Warped Tour is coming to Las Cruces this year. Warped is basically a big concert with a whole bunch of those types of bands. My aunt said she will buy my ticket for me, which Is awesome cuz I am pretty broke. So as long as I can get at least one other of my friends to commit to going, and like 5 of them want to, I will have her get my ticket. I am so excited!!!!

So that is Junt 29th, so I will probably try to go to Utah for 3 weeks at the end of may/beginning of June and spend my birthday there. Then I will get back in time to start looking for a job. If I dont have one by the beginning of July, I will start trying really herd and look at places I would much less prefer. But I kinda wanna wait till I get done with my summer travels. I am really broke though, I think I will have to take some money out of my savings account to get me through till I get my birthday money.

I am also playing with the idea of deactivating my blogger. I probably wont for several months. I probably will once my tumblr has more followers than this does. I just enjoy tumblr more, and I can post rants on there too. I just don't feel dedicated enough to blogger to keep it up. But Idk, I am just thinking about possibilities. I will be here for a few more months at least.

<3
~Anton

Peace and Parties

Hello!
I just thought I would post a little update.

So the other night Jordan came over and we hung out for a few hours. 1st thing he dis was apologize for being a douche bag for the past 3 weeks or so. It was pretty much everything I wanted to hear from him. He even talked about what a hypocrite he was and it was just really nice. So peace has been made and things are returning to normal.

Last night my friends came over and drank. It was their first time meeting Bobby. I was kinda anxious, but everyone liked each other and it was really comfortable. I thank alcohol for easing the awkwardness. But the whole night was fun. A lot of fun. haha

Oh, and this one really cute boy i only kind of know from macroeconomics apparently got my number from jordan a couple days ago. He is really annoying, but really cute. He hasn't texted me yet though, but just the knowledge that he asked made me feel good.

He is always at these parties that happen every friday, so I am kinda wanting to go to the one tonight, but that depends on if anyone else wants to. I am gonna try to get Bobby to sleep over again tomorrow night. He is really nice to be with. haha

Thats about it for now!
Byeeee
~Anton

P.S....

just in the hour or so since my last post down below, I REACHED 100 FOLLOWERS!!!!! :D
Than you all so much! I love each of you and you all mean a lot to me. Thanks!!!!

Life goes on

Hey!
Well, not a ton has been going on in my live. It seems like I am kinda reverting to my antisocial, friendless existence that I used to have. Well, not really. I just haven't been seeing really any of my friends in ages. They have their own things going on or whatever... It feels like all my relationships are kinda falling apart except for a few.
The most angering is definitely the situation with Jordan. I may have talked about this before, but basically he ditched us all, except Sonia, for his boyfriend, who he just started seeing and who is moving very soon. I wouldn't have a problem if they had been in a long relationship with him, but he rushed into this thing that is obviously gonna hurt him in the end, so I have no remorse for him. He is choosing to hurt himself. The REAL issue is that he was the one who lead our efforts to kick Brittany out of the group after she chose her scum bag boyfriend over us. Jordan is just being a fucking hypocrite.
I would never leave my friends for a boy. I will always honor plans I have already made with my friends and I would never stop hanging out with them for anyone. I balance friends and romance and I don't get why other people cant fucking do that and they have to throw something good away.
Anyways, he has been all offended that we felt hurt about his betrayal and things have been pretty tense between him/Sonia and me/Sam, with Steph in the middle. I have seem him once in the past 2 1/2 weeks and that wasn't the most pleasant experience, but it was okay. And then today I saw him leaving and he gave me the coldest little wave he could. So Idk, I guess that friendship might be over, which sucks, but I guess he might come around. whatever.

Anyways, things are going okay with my boyfriend. He is sweet and treats me well and makes me happy. I don't particularly like him a TON, but we have some good times. I think the major reason I settled for him is that 1) he is cute 2) My social life is going to hell and I need someone new in my life that I can rely on seeing and 3) I kinda want a relationship, and he was there. Overall I am grateful I am in the relationship, but I also dont plan on it lasting more than a few months. Who knows, its the best thing I have going for myself at the moment. Most other aspects of my life are kinda bleh.

I am trying really hard to get all A's this semester, but I have so little motivation to study these days. I know I wont get worse than a B in any class, but A's would be nice.

So thats it for now.
ttyl!
<3
~Anotn

The Boyfriend

Hello!
So first things first, Las Cruses was a lot of fun. I had a great time with my friends and going to a couple parties. There were a few surprises down there, but over all it was a lot of fun and I dont really regret my decisions. It was a good experience to have once. The thing about me as opposed to a lot of people my age who like trying new things, is that I dont have an 'addictive' personality. I am just curious and I like knowing what things are like, but thats about the extent of it. But anyways, it was a good visit and it definitely made me happy.

So the other big news is that I have been on a few dates with this kid I met through Connexion and who also knows my friend Stephanie, and were kinda going out now. He graduated from my school in the same year, but I never new him, which isnt so weird considering we had nearly a thousand in our grade.
Anyways, his name is Bobby and he is pretty cute. He is not exactly the smartest person in the world, and I think its probably cuz he did too many drugs in high school. I honestly dont think we are built to last more than a couple months or so, but I am just bored and I really wanted something new in my life. He one of those really 'damaged' people, which I kinda have an issue with. I feel bad for everything that he has had to deal with, but I'm not a care-taking kind of person, I suck at empathy and healing people and I have little tolerance for some of the stuff he says. I prefer when I am the more damaged one, its so much easier. But there a lot about him that I like, and some things I dont like s much, so idk, its something to keep me happy for a while, and it may ending up as more than that. He does make me happy though, and thats all I care about at the moment. We'll see what happens, but I'm keeping my expectations low.

So thats about all of it.
Post again soon!
~Anton

On the brink of disaster.

So I know I haven't been posting lately, but I have been doing a good job of ignoring things I don't want to talk about and the things I am willing to talk about seem pointless to share. So this post has the potential to be very long and kinda depressing. I'm really not looking for judgement or advice or anything. I just want to vent. This is mostly just for me to sort out my thoughts than to ask for opinions on my insanity.

So pretty much the past like month or so things haven't been going so well. I have not seen too much of my friends here compared to usual. I have been panicking about my future with having a job and being alone and ever being successful or happy. And I have been having these problems with my best friend, Elsa, which has by far been the worst.
For those of you who don't know, we live 450 miles apart and most of our relationship is based on constant texting. Well, we haven't been talking as much and what we do talk about isn't as meaningful as usual. This is for a lot of reasons I guess. Shes been bust with school and various other things and I have been generally distant, and I am not even sure why I have been. She also has this thing going on that has caused her to be kinda absent for long periods of time every day or two. During those times I get way to stuck in my head and I feel alone and to an extent, jealous. I wont go into details of it out of respect for her privacy... but that has been causing me to detach for the past week or so. I fully support it and I am happy about it, I just need to get used to it.
Also, as I mentioned in my last post, my friends here and I are planning on going to Las Cruces again soon, next weekend actually. This time the plan is to try ecstasy. A few of them down there have already tried it and those of us who haven't are going to try it. But this has, to understate it, caused a lot of tension between Elsa and I. I have wanted to try it for over a year, because as I understand it, it is the most amazing feeling, and I am naturally curious, but she strongly disproves. I feel like I need to make it clear that all I want is to TRY it, not depend it for happiness. And I have done my research on it, this is an educated decision. I like feeling detached from reality for periods of time. It helps me come back and focus on what I need to do. Also I like the intimate bonds I always feel from trying things with people for the first time, like when I first drank or smoked weed. Lately I have felt like I have had nothing. All my friends have been distant, I have been as successful as ever romantically and I have greatly reduced my typical forms of being in an altered state, out of respect for Elsa's wishes. Those are kinda the things that keep me going, meaningful friend relationships, semi-meaningful romantic/sexual relationships, and an escape from reality, but I haven't had any of those for a long time, and its slowly breaking me down because I am too trapped in my self destructive mind and I have been over stressing about my future in addition. So I decided to go through with rolling in Cruces. But it is creating a lot of problems for me although I am 95% sure it will make me feel much much better. I feel selfish for wanting it, but I also feel like shes selfish for keeping me from one of the few things that will help me feel like I have anything going for me. I partially understand her reasons though, and I respect them, but if I keep going down the road I am on, it will lead to me hurting myself in much much worse ways. Its a gamble deciding to roll and I hope it works out, but I really feel like it will help me.

The past probably 2 weeks has been the longest period of time in over 5 years when I have been relatively suicidal. I would never go through with it, because I know what it would do to the people who care about me, so I would rather suffer alone than cause them all pain. Thats just way too selfish... even if its what I want a lot of the time. But I assure you, there is no reason to worry. I do plan on talking to my parents about getting me on some anti-depressants. I would like therapy, but I don't know if we can afford it, but I think anti-depressants would do me a lot of good.

So with all that said, don't worry about me, I will be fine, and before you give me a long winded comment about why I shouldn't or what a horrible person I am, I know already. Its stupid and selfish, but I need something to change.
Please refer to the 1st paragraph before you let loose on me. I don't need to feel worse than I have been.

With lots of love
~Anton
<3

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Hey! So yeah, I couldn't thinnk of a post title, hence ^ that. This weekend has been one of the most boring ever. Well, not really, but it has been kinda lame and I have had way too much time to myself.

Basically I did nothing productive, even the little but of homework i had, which I will have to do on the bus or in astronomy tomorrow. I did go to a party one night with Jordan and Sonia. It was pretty fun and full of moderately attractive gay boys and some straight girls. I mostly just sat around and talked to Sonia and occasionally some other people. There was a guy there who reminded me sooooo much of John. So it kinda disgusted me cuz i truly hate his guts, but it also brought up some old feelings. Anyways, that party ended, so we went to another, which seemed interesting, but Sonia was leaving and Jordan was super drunk (and ended up at someone else's house) so I left with Sonia and ended up getting home at about 4.
Then the night after I hung out with my friends for like 3 hours. But that has been the extent of all my social interactions for the past 4 days, which has been painfully little for me.

Also my parents are being annoying tits. When they are sober they are obnoxious as fuck, when they drinking they throw all our money away and fuck things up. There is NO middle ground that I can tolerate. I'd definitely rather have this then the drinking, but I still hate them both so much. In the middle of the week I was seriously considering moving to Las Cruses and just saying fuck it, which I may still do for next semester. I may also just try to rent a house here with Sam and Steph. IDK, but I hate being around these idiots.
Also, my moms short term disability that she is getting for her surgery is nearly a month late, so I gave her a $200 loan, and I am getting $300 back when the money gets here. And they are sending her more than she was expecting, so hopefully some more of that money will make it my way. I would LOVE to get a new car.

Um... I also really hate my hair. It is ridiculous and nasty and annoying and I want someone else's hair. Also I wanna get my 1st tattoo soon. I just cant decide if i want it on my right ankle, right fore are, right shoulder or one of my wrists. Also I kinda wanna get my lip pierced. I cant decide if i want spider bites or just my left side though... I need to be less indecisive. Hmm...

Well, I think thats it for now
Post again laters
<3
~Anton

The Weekend

SO I just got back from Las Cruses a few hours ago. In summary, Friday night was one of the best of my life, and made the whole trip unbelievably good. The drives there and back were pretty uneventful and I drove the whole way both ways, which I was fine with cuz my friends suck at driving.

We got there and we got settled with our newish friend, Nia and a totally new person who was kinda an obnoxious bitch, but tolerable. Then eventually Bri and Jess show up with Andy. After they got there we started blasting music and played with glow sticks and started doing some shit and having fun. Then we went to our 1st party of the night and we met some people who went to high school with us and stayed there for an hour or so. Then we went to a kegger where this cool band playing and a ton of people and stayed there for another hour or so, but only Steph and I were having a blast, but we met some other people there who were throwing there own party later which we went to after a quick return to their apartment. We spent about 6 hours at that last party and got kinda fucked up, but I ended up drinking far less than I would have expected. At that party there was this guy who had these gloves with flashing colored lights at the ends of these gloves and in the dark they provided an AWESOME light show. haha, and the same guy also gave a couple of us in the group fantastic back massage. We just chilled there for a few hours and various other things happened, but some areas are kinda fuzzy.

The next day everyone but me slept in till 2, i got up at and just watched TV. We saw some more old friends and met some new ones when they came over that afternoon and we played Wii and just chilled. That night we went to this frat party that was surprisingly small and kinda lame. Beer pong was fun though we lost. Then we sang happy birthday for the guy whose party it was, but one of his frat brothers cake slammed him really hard and busted a couple of his teeth. So that party died and we went back to the apartment and had our own chill party and had an early night, well, 2 am, which is early for there. This mornig we got breakfast and said a teary goodbye, but we have plans on going back in almost exactly a month when we will go to this amazing gay club in El Paso and more fun stuff. I cant wait. I miss those friends so much and I have such a good time when I'm down there with them.

I have been kinda pissy since I got home cuz I was so much happier there, but if I was there a lot longer I would have got annoyed being around so many people. I wanted to meet this one gay friend of theirs, but I never had the chance. Maybe next time. So tomorrow I will just get ready for school and whatever.

I have taken like 2 hours to work on this cuz I am watching the Grammys and I keep getting distracted.
Post again soon!
~Anton

Going out of town

Hey guys. I just wanna give you a quick update, cuz I still have to pack. This weekend 2 of my friends and me are going to Las Cruses to see some of our old high school friends who go to school there. I am really excited.
This past week has been pretty good. We had Stephs 19th birthday party and I have just seen a bit of my friends and had school. I had my 1st test in Macroeconomics and I am pretty sure I aced it.
BORN THIS WAY by Lady Gaga premiers tomorrow!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited!
Um... thats all I can think of now. But I gotta go pack now, so I will update you all after I get back. Sorry, if its a but boring on here lately
~Anton

Land of Ice and Death

So the past 24 hours or so has been interesting.

Last night I met up with all my friends to go see The Rite and have a sleep over. First off, The Rite wasnt even scary and hardly interesting. Country Strong was much better. Then we say in a Mexican restaurant for like an hour from about 11 to midnight. We downloaded this really cool app on out phones though called Zombie Run. It tracks your gps location and it has zombies chase you and you have to run away. So we kinda played around with tat for a bit.

Then we went back to my friends and just hung out for a while. I got up at my usual time to go to school and I showered and all that. But New Mexico is having this insane cold spell, tonight we are getting well below 0, and the roads were super icy. But I decided to go to my other friend who i carpool with and 1/2 way there (its like a mile from one friends house to the other) I hear UNM is on a 2 hour delay, so I go back and get on Tumblr for 2 hours. Then about the time Im supposed to go in for the delay I decide to wane my friend up so she can lock up behind me. So after I start my car and almost fall on my face on the way there from the ice, I get a text message from UNM saying it has been canceled, so I go back in and try to sleep, cuz I couldn't really last night, but that didn't happen.

SO we kinda get ready and by that time the roads are clear and we go get breakfast and do a bit of shopping and all of us are in super mean bitchy moods, which made for interesting conversations. We then go and hang out some more and play a game we made last year, which was pretty fun.

By about 6 the streets were really icy and terrifying. A lot of them are now closed and it took about 40 minutes to drive the 10 or 15 miles to my house. I say so many cops and wrecks, it was exciting and terrifying all at once.

Oh, and my stupid school district that I graduated from last year was the only one in the metro area to not close and from what I heard there was over $50,000 in damage done to student and staff cars from the horrible conditions. I do not miss that place at times like these.

I am loving having alone time at home to just be with myself, I have been with people for so long :P My friend is trying to convince me to add this one bi boy of facebook that she thinks would get along well with me, but idk... it seems weird.

So yeah, I though I would share my interesting day.
~Anton

Onto February

Hey!
So things have been... odd. I have lots of free time, but I feel like I have very little time to get things done that I need too. I reeeally need to write my resume to apply for this summer internship, but it sounds like soooooo much effort.

I;m getting ready to start looking for a job, but the fact that I have so much spending money at the moment is discouraging me from looking. But I will, soon.

I found out John has a tumblr. I kinda wanna follow him to make it reeeeally awkward, but I could see a lot of drama coming out of me having any contact with him.

I have been considering renting a house with a couple of my friends this fall, but I don;t know if I could handle being around them so much. I love them, I just need a lot of completely alone time. Also, I want to save money for when I move out of the state after college, and possibly out of the U.S. at some point.

Apparently one of you are old friends with Jordan and found him again from my Tumblr account, so thats pretty nifty. :) When he told me it was a "Whoa, small world" moment.

Tonight I am going to see The Rite with my friends. I think it looks terrifying, and it is hard to scare me.

Thats about all the news here.
ttyl :)
Anton

New and Old

Hello! Sorry I am not posting on her as much as I have in the past. Ive been busy and to be honest, Tumbler is what I am more interested in. But at least for the time I will keep this cuz I like using it as a journal.

So school is pretty good. My Astronomy class is huge but the professor tries to feep in interesting. Macroeconomics is possibly my favorite, every example he gives of an economic situation involves alcohol and hos. And this guy is like 80 and swears every other word but he is also very good at explaining everything. My Sociology teacher is really hot and the subject is really interesting. My Statistics teacher is a twice devoiced ex-military ass hole. But the subject is really easy, i have the class with one of my old friends who was one of my 1st real friends in New Mexico and there is a cute boy in the class. Linguistics is hell. its at the end of the day, the teacher is boring and awkward and the material is tedious and pointless. I am considering dropping it before it is too late... but it counts as an english credit.

I am really into the British version of Skins. I think it is a really interesting show. The American version isnt nearly as good, but I will keep watching it. I am also listening to a lot of music that I used to not even like. A lot of it is punk and I have even downloaded some screamo. not like hardcore screamo, but stuff with it in it. I like a ot of it. Im also listening to a lot of dubstep, and then all my old stuff.

This semester is gonna be a lot like the old one I think, but I don't know. I am kinda lost at the moment and just going with what ever comes my way...

Hope everyone is well
~Anton

New Beginning

Hello! sorry about my absence for the past 3 weeks. I didnt have much of a chance to post in Utah and I have been working on getting settled back in.
Utah was lots of fun. I got to a lot (but not enough) time with my best friend and I got to know a couple of her other friends. One in particular I really like. I saw a bunch of my other friends too and had fun. My god mother is apparently going through with her move 30 miles north of the city which I can live with, but im not happy about.

Since I got home I have seen a little too much of my friends. 2 of them that I was previously closest too, Jordan and Sonia, have been getting on my nerves relentlessly with their perpetual over happiness and elitestness and secretiveness. But one good thing came out of it. I am totally not interested in Jordan romantically anymore... yay! haha

School starts tomorrow. I cant wait for the new semester. I really need a job, and I will start looking for one very soon.

Sorry this was a short post, but I have a lot to do tonight for school. I will post again soon
Anton